Sunday, December 10, 2023

This Very Hard, Very Awful Week

There is something complicated that happens when you learn that a loved one has lost their battle with depression.

You feel shock and then a sadness because they are gone.

You feel guilt, wondering if there was something else you could have said or done to help them hang on.

And if you're me, who struggles with my own depression, the next thing you feel is fear. What if I am not strong enough and one day, that same battle takes me, too?

I'll be candid. I'm not handling this well. I move between the guilt over not saying enough of the right things when we spoke to make him stay and the sadness that sometimes there isn't anything to say to change someone's mind and fear my own depression will be what takes me out someday. Either way, it all just leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach.

Goodbye and safe journey, Scott. May you finally be free of the pain. May you finally know the peace that has eluded you for so long.

As for me, I'm clinging to this life I have with every ounce of strength that I have. I am being open and honest with friends so they understand when I am having a bad day. I am taking a mood stabilizer to help mitigate the emotional highs and lows. I'm in counseling, seeing a therapist and finally making a real effort to move on from the trauma of my past.

In other words, I am not going to quietly accept my fate and leaving this life by my own hand. Oh, no, that will not be me. I am doing everything I can to convince the me struggling that life is always still worth living. Because I have so much still to do.

Life is so, so good. And I want to stick around for it.


  1. I feel your conflict, John. You fear you didn't say enough and fear nothing would have BEEN enough. And that scares you reflecting on your own battle. No one knows what the answer is but know you are loved beyond measure by so many and we truly are here to listen and hold you in this world. ❤️

  2. Thank you for keeping it real! As I struggle with my own anxiety and fears I am thankful to know that I have you in my circle to reach out too. Please know that I am here for you also! You are changing the world and we all need these changes.

  3. Hang in there. I do every day.

  4. Thank you for sharing so openly, and vulnerably. I cannot imagine what you must have felt - and are still feeling - losing Scott to a battle with mental health that you yourself are dealing with - fear must be a hell of presence, as you say.

    I wish there were words that took your pain away, that made your depression less, and easier to deal with. But the only words that matter here, are yours, and how you are able to reflect on your loss and your progress.

    Wishing you well on a very challenging journey.