Wanting Out.

There's no way to write this blog without just putting the truth out there, so here goes.

The last couple of weeks, I have felt completely and totally out of control. I have felt distanced from friends, been abrupt with co-workers, and responded irrationally to a seemingly unending tide of day-to-day annoyances. I feel like I'm trying to flee from my own skin, I'm so out of sorts.

Earlier this week, I found these images created by Czech photographer Michal Macku. They represent perfectly every uncomfortable and angry feeling I'm struggling with right now. The first photo I saw, with the artist literally coming apart at the seams, captured my own desire to shred my connection to everything and just be gone, away, anywhere, even if only for a moment. It's as if shedding my skin would magically transport me to a whole new dimension of peace.

I realize that sounds so melodramatic and desperate, and that's so much farther off the chart than I am really am. But the idea of being able to step outside of my life for a moment definitely has its appeal.

The second photo was much more specific for me. Who hasn't imagined anonymity, the chance to go out into this world and say and do anything without repercussions or blowback? The desire is strong to engage completely anew without consideration of all of the baggage that I carry. I imagine it would be similar to striking up a conversation with a stranger on a plane, where the option to be completely honest (or creatively deceptive) would be without fall-out or consequence.

And the other side of that possibility draws me, too. Imagine having someone speak to you without presuming to know in advance how you will respond. It would be conversation in its purest form, speaking and actually listening.

Ask me what I truly want right now and I would have to answer honestly, I don't know. Is it to be left alone or to be engaged by others? Is it privacy or company?

Again, pretty melodramatic stuff, I know. It's just where my head is right now. I know I will work my way through it, because I always do. But the process takes its toll. Unfortunately for the people in my life who care about me, the process also takes its toll on them, in that they are aware of my shift in behavior and attitude but are powerless to do anything to influence it.

I will continue to do what I always do in these situations. I will go about my daily routine as if I am fine, and ultimately, "acting as if" will become my reality. I just have to keep pushing on.

And so I will.

I Can Handle This... Right?

Oh, the best laid plans, right?

I'm working on a six week holiday challenge, and so far, it's been terrible. I was in trouble as soon as I began, to be honest. I have just started a new job, and while I'm incredibly happy to have it and excited about the days ahead, the truth is that the first couple of months are going to be super busy. I've been working 10+ hour days and that will continue well into the new year.

What does that mean for my challenge? Well, it's not a reason to just abandon it. And I'm not using it as an excuse to quit working out and eat like crap. But it is affecting the amount of time I have and my energy levels.

I'm struggling here. I have to balance my need for downtime, my desire to work out, and the demands of my new job. It's tough.

Add to that my husband's unfortunate accident last night. While attempting to make dough for homemade pizza, he dropped an incredibly sharp food processor blade onto his foot and sliced all the way down through his tendon. We had to go to the ER last night, and now we will have to meet with an orthopedic surgeon this week and figure out if (when?) he will need surgery to repair the tendon.

Here he is last night, settling in on the couch and trying to rest.

This morning, I got to wake up at 4:30 so I could drive him to the office and then get to work myself. I'll take lunch to him later today and then pick him up whenever he gets off work late this afternoon. It's going to be a long day for me and, judging by my yawns already, I doubt I will have the energy to workout. I may just force myself to go for a run, though. I'm hopeful that will help me burn off the stress/worry I have over his injury.

This life/work balance thing can be tricky, but it's something that people deal with all the time. It won't be enough to knock me off balance or keep me from my goals.

And how is YOUR Monday?

Dealing With Stress.

I posted this originally in a message thread, but I wanted to post it in my own blog as a reminder to myself. I know this is true, but sometimes, it helps to read it over so I don't forget.) 

Someone posted that when they get stressed out, they turn into junk-food eating machines. She asked what others do to handle that without emotional eating. This was my answer: 

"To answer your question, I can only tell you how I deal with stressful situations. If I already have one problem to handle, why would I purposely invite another one to join it? It's like fighting with one friend and saying, you know, I should call up another friend and totally pick a fight with them, too. 

Now, that works for me because I do not see gorging myself on all kinds of junk food as comforting. I see that sort of behavior as negative and problematic. So I avoid it, especially when I already have other things to worry about. 

Perhaps this is a better way to ask. If you are struggling with a problem, would you call a real friend that you know cares about you or would you call a fake friend that pretends to care but actually hurts you? The real friend, of course. It's the same thing with food. When you are most in need, why turn to the junk food that brings problems? Turn to the healthier food to give you real strength to face adversity." 

It helped me to write this out. It helps me to read it. And maybe, it will resonate with someone else, too.