Wednesday, November 30, 2016

This Is What's Wrong With You.


Nothing is wrong with you. And what would make you click on something like this, anyway? Why would you think some random negative words on the internet apply to you?

None of us is perfect, true. And we each have character and personality traits that others may not like. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with any of us. We're just different.

I know, I know. This sounds so touchy-feely, "we're all special," blah blah blah.

But what if I'm right? What if we ARE each special? And what if the biggest thing wrong with us is our belief that we're not okay just as we are?

My Call-To-Action today:
Take a few moments to think about what is right with me, with my life, and with my circle of friends. Spend time celebrating what is amazing instead of looking for reasons to criticize and attack.

Feel free to join me. I mean, we can all use a little more positive in our day, right?

Monday, November 28, 2016

A Limerick for Monday

A wise man who once thought to wait
At the intersection of Chance and of Fate
Decided instead
To get out of his head
And take action before t'was too late.

He started the day in a fog
On the wheel of life, another cog
Then the thought struck
"Man, what the fuck?
I've more to create than this blog!"

A promise was made then and there
The details so sharp and so clear
"I'll publicly say
I'm writing a play"
Imagine the hurrays and the cheers.

I've done it before, back in time.
"Goodbye, David," written in '99.
It was my first
My best and my worst
And I even delivered some lines.

So enough with "what if" looking back
I've got the power to get me on track
If I want to write
I can't say "I might"
I must proclaim it as fact.

Yes, it's true, I'm a playwright
But "one and done" doesn't sound right
What I need to do
Is write number two
A blend of the dark and of the light.

Friends, take note of this date
And then, of course, patiently wait
Because I commit
A play, I'll write it
The whole thing will be done by Feb 28.

The details are beginning to form
But changes, of course, will be norm
Working title, I'll make,
"A Man's Worst Mistakes"
And with that, it's time to brainstorm

Sunday, November 27, 2016


Some twist of fate left a child here
The corner of heartbreak and fear
Struck by closed hearts and closed fists
And all of the love you missed

Silent mornings become drunken nights
No one should live with this fright
A child accustomed to this rage
Grows up and wants to turn the page

And I know you still feel all that pain
Emotions they all churn
But with time and reasons to change
I know you can unlearn

Your childhood has finally past
But scars from that will always last
It defines you and sets the pace
A sorrow that you can't erase

You think you're broken, torn apart
No one will ever love your heart
How could you know what lies ahead
Or know who you will be instead

Life is more than what happened before
All grown up, it's your turn
And life has much for you still in store
It's time that you unlearn

So much pain but now you're grown
Standing tall out on your own
Making friends and meeting those
Who draw you in, pull you close

You take a risk and love so deep
Someone who's promise they don't keep
Again the pain, a familiar ache
Lost in the dark of love's heartbreak

I know you feel that you can't trust
It never was earned
Closed and defensive was a must
But you can unlearn

Heartbreaking what you're used to
Days and nights alone
No door knocks, no messages
No ringing telephone

But time comes when you finally see
It feels so good to simply be
A person who feels strong inside
A peaceful soul who walks with pride

And I know you felt you weren't enough
But this life can turn
And I know that change can hurt so much
But you, my friend, can unlearn

So rise from what you used to be
And let the world around you see
That inside is a warrior heart
And you love hard, and deep, and smart

Then spread that message wide and far
At church, at work, a local bar
And let the folks who know you know
The pain stops here, only love will go

Look at you, at who you are
The child shall finally return
To love, to dream, to reach a star,
You truly have unlearned.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

"The 22nd."

A boy leaves home, becomes a man.
Stands tall, does proudly what he can.
Serves to defend a greater plan.
But knows nothing of himself.

Days, then weeks, and months again,
Fighting in the desert sand.
Sees things his friends can't understand.
But can't think about himself.

His mind is out beyond the wire.
Thoughts of those caught in the fire.
The innocents in funeral pyres.
Taking pieces of himself.

Then finally, "you're going home,"
A place that he no longer knows.
Cannot tell a friend from foes.
No longer knows himself.

Long days become longer nights,
Eyes closed but still engaged in fights,
Shadows that don't fade with lights,
A stranger to himself.

That's when the voices come to call.
"Fuck this pain, just end it all."
A hero now becomes so small
He cannot see himself.

A bottle, a gun, a quiet descent,
Hopeless, broken, fully spent.
Too numb to fight, to cry, to vent,
An ending for himself.

How many more will we watch go?
Or worse, backs turned, not even know?
Heroes once, now broken souls,
Nothing left of themselves?

Enough has got to be enough.
The toughest can't always be tough.
And finding words might be rough,
But we owe it to ourselves.

Because we need each one of them.
We need them whole and home again.
So let today be the day when
We truly offer help.

There's so much that we each can do.
Reach out and offer a piece of you.
To one, or two, perhaps a few.
Give them part of yourself.

They may recoil, they may resist.
But steady on, you watch their six.
There is no quick or easy fix,
But trust they'll find themselves.

And when they do, and they stand tall,
When thankful that you heard their call.
When words won't come to them at all,
Know that you've saved yourself.

Monday, November 21, 2016

"I'm Broken."

I'm broken.

It's three am, a pitch black room,
And not a single thought.
It's so much pain and emptiness.
It's everything... and not.

I'm broken.

Hard to hear when said aloud,
Harder to believe.
Harder still to own these words
And wear them on my sleeve.

I'm broken.

It's not like in the movies,
A public spectacle.
It's more a quiet stepping back.
A silence and a lull.

I'm broken.

It's all the fear that follows me,
A past that won't let go.
It's shame for wrongs that still go on.
The me that no one knows.

I'm broken.

Maybe you don't see it,
Or do but look away.
Maybe you are damaged, too,
And don't know what to say.

I'm broken.

It's every day, the struggle,
The battle waged within.
Not wanting this, not wanting that,
But showing up again.

I'm broken.

It's therapy, it's "talk it out,"
It's "learn to let it go."
It's medication, numb myself,
And no one has to know.

I'm broken.

And then there are the moments,
When heart and mind connect.
The friends, the times, the feelings,
So good, it feels perfect.

I'm broken.

It's looking back at fifty years,
And all has come to this.
A broken man, who alternates,
Between despair and bliss.

I'm broken.

But awesome is as awesome does,
And I continue on.
It's six am and still it's dark,
And always comes the dawn.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Some Days Just Suck.

Went to Vegas with the From Fat To Finish Line tribe. Had a lot of fun hanging out with the team. Then I ran/walked a cough-filled 5k.

And the good went to bad.

Woke up Sunday morning coughing and congested. Never felt better despite resting all morning, so opted to not run the half-marathon. And that sucked, watching everyone else run and not being able to join them. I was proud of all of them for crossing the finish line, but I'll admit it felt crappy to not be out there with them.

Got home on Monday, saw a doctor on Tuesday, and I'm now assigned to bedrest until tomorrow morning at the earliest. Apparently, running a full marathon, two half marathons, and a 200-mile relay race in just over a month is considered "pushing the limits" of what my body can handle. And now I'm paying the price.

Cue the blues.

I feel like crap. Instead of basking in the glow of a wonderful weekend with amazing people, I'm wallowing in a terrible mood of failure and sickness.

So, yeah, some days just suck. But at least I'm honest. I trust tomorrow will be better, but my expectations for today are going to stay right here at the bottom rung.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Back To The Future, America.

It happened. America elected a thrice-married, four-times bankrupted, repeatedly failed businessman to the highest office in the land. And it happened with the full support of evangelicals, white supremacists, and suburban women.

Congratulations, America. You did what no one thought possible. You took America back to the 1950's. And now, we have to figure out where to go from here.

I'll be honest. The thought of a Trump Presidency, a Republican led House and Senate, and a conservative Supreme Court is just too much to deal with right now.

Marriage equality. Women's reproductive health rights. Immigration. Equitable tax laws. Environmental protections. Religious freedom (and freedom FROM religion). All of these will likely suffer under a self-proclaimed "business first" President.

And me? I'm done. I'm almost fifty years old and tired of fighting the same battles. 

This is what you wanted, America, so this is what you get. You wanted a politically inexperienced leader and a gaggle of sycophants around him, so well done. That's what you have now. Where it goes from here is anyone's guess, but it certainly won't be good for progressives.

As much as it pains me to say this, I give up. I'm through trying to be a voice of reason. I'm through explaining to those who seem completely unaware of what life is like for a non-Christian, non-white, non-straight person in a nation of religious extremists.

"Gays are destroying America."
"Homosexuals are worse than terrorists."
"Atheists should be hung from a cross and crucified like Jesus was."
"Go back to Africa, niggers."

So this is the country the majority of people wanted, where racism, sexism, and homophobia are casually accepted and supported. I mean, the KKK is absolutely celebrating the election results. And you are the company you keep.

Honestly, at this point, there is nothing more for me to do. It doesn't matter. So I'm going to back away from politics completely. Because what has happened in this country makes me feel like my fellow Americans hate me and those like me. And what's a guy supposed to do when he feels like that?

My actions from here on out are simple. Protect my home. Protect my husband. Protect our friends. And protect my tribe. I'm armed and I'm fully prepared to do whatever it takes to keep those I love safe.

Welcome to America in 2016. Where even the most optimistic of us have moved from "make the world a better place" to "I'll protect mine and the rest of you are on your own."