Thinking Out Loud

The more the world challenges us with nonsense and angst, the greater our responsibility to respond with control and reason.

Facing A Hard Truth. ("Life, Medicated." Part 11)

I realize this may be a scary thing for some to read, but my promise in writing this series was to stay honest and candid. So here goes today's shitty realization:

"Depression is going to kill me."

Like I said, not a great thought. But there it is. It hit me this morning like a brick. And I don't know what to do about it, exactly.

What am I talking about? Not actually taking my own life in a depressed state. That isn't what this is about. I am confident that I have safeguards in place to protect myself should I ever get to that low a point.

No, I am talking about something different but related. I am talking about the negative physical consequences of depression.

One study found that depression is as harmful to the body as obesity. 

Depression is almost as likely to cause heart disease in men as obesity, according to new research.

Another study found that ongoing depression is as bad as smoking. Seriously, smoking. Holy crap. Like I needed another thing to worry about, right? I thought I had a handle on my depression and coping mechanisms in place. But I hadn't taken into account the negative physical impact of depression.

Again, to be clear, this isn't about depression leading to suicide. This is about the adverse physical impact that depression has on a person's physical health. And that scares the crap out of me. Because I am already fighting obesity and my depression makes it harder to stay motivated to do anything about it.

What a vicious circle. Feel depressed so don't work out. Don't work out so don't lose weight. Stay heavy and feel depressed. AND then, suffer physical health problems on top of all that.

Okay, okay. I get it. I need to fix what is happening before it does even more harm to my body. 

So why do I feel even worse knowing all of this?

*sigh*

Hello, Depression. ("Life, Medicated." Part 10)

It's been nearly two months since I blogged here. In blogger-time, that's forever. But it doesn't feel that long to me. And that's because everything seems to be a bit of a blur right now, time wise. Days are slow but weeks are flying by.

"You're depressed."

My husband said those exact words to me yesterday, and since then, I can't stop replaying them in my head. It seems so obvious - now - but I really didn't see it while it was coming on.

I don't feel like reading.
I don't feel like writing.
I don't feel like watching TV.
I don't feel like listening to music.

I don't want company.
I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to to work out.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to hang out.

But I haven't a clue what I want to do.

Depression is sneaky.

Depression is not always a dark, sullen mood filled with horrible thoughts and endless tears. Sometimes, it's just the steady drone of nothingness. And in some ways, that's worse than the dramatic depression.

When I've been that low, I've been smart enough to reach out for help.

"Hey, I'm bottoming out and I'm afraid of being alone." 

But this? What the heck would I say to people? 

"Hey, I'm feeling absolutely nothing and want to do absolutely 

nothing, so let's not get together for a beer, okay?"

Depression is in for the long game.

I have been depressed for weeks now, if not for months. I've struggled to find excitement in any of the things I usually do. But I don't want to do anything but sleep. I've gone from being busy each day with workouts and friends to coming home from work, napping for an hour or more, having dinner, and then killing time until I can go to bed.

Looking back, I can see that this has been going on for a long time. I have covered it up with bursts of "the old me," but it's just an in-the-moment fix. Afterwards, I'm right back to being this non-person.

I'm not sad, necessarily. I mean, I feel sad when I sit and think about where I am right now. But overall, no, I'm not feeling sad or gloomy. But I'm not feeling much of anything, to be honest. I'm not excited or happy about much right now, either.

I did talk to my therapist earlier this week, but I think I really glossed over how I'm really feeling. I said all the right things, but until my husband called out my depression, I didn't really believe things had become this bad.

There is no quick fix.

Fighting depression isn't as easy as just snapping out of it, anymore than mending a broken leg is as easy as just walking on it. It's not really possible to jump from depressed to just fine. But there are steps I can take to start moving in the right direction.

First, I can move my body. I have a group run scheduled for tomorrow morning (that, of course, I have spent the day trying to find a reason to not attend). But I will go and I will run some miles with my local Fat To Finish tribe members. That will be a good start.

Second, I will continue to write daily, positive affirmations here at the Daily Dose of Good. It may or may not help anyone else, but starting each day off with a positive statement helps me.

Third, I will talk with my Psychologist and let him know how I'm really feeling. I don't know if he will want to make any adjustment to my medications, but that's always a possibility. I just know I need to be honest with him if I am going to address this depression head-on.

Fourth, I will find a reason to engage with other people each day. It might be as simple as a text message exchange or as involved as meeting for dinner, but I will stop isolating myself away from everyone.


This isn't a feel-good blog entry, I know. But I promised myself when I began writing the "Life, Medicated" series that I was always going to be honest. Well, here's some honesty. Thank you for reading along and I hope that it offers some insight into what others - or you, personally - might be going through.

Relays: More Than Just Running

I've just finished running the Ragnar Relay Series Del Sol event in Phoenix, and I am still on a high from my adventure. I spent thirty-six hours with my team, Kilty Pleasures, and we had such a great time that I have difficulty even finding the words to describe it.

Looking back on the relay, I realized that when I've described it to other people, I've focused on the running exclusively. "Oh, you run thirty-six legs, three per person." But that really only scratches the surface. There's so much more to running a relay race than just the running. So, I thought I would take this opportunity to explain the different roles people play during the event.

Runners
Of course, there are runners. Twelve of them, usually. And each runner does run three legs each. So runner 1 goes out and runs anywhere from two to ten miles, on average. Then runner 2 does the same. Then runner 3. And on it goes until runner 12 finishes. At that point, runner 1 starts again and the cycle repeats twice. Some runs are easy while others are difficult. Some are flat and some are all uphill or downhill. Some runs are during the heat of the day and others are in the cool of the night. But rain or snow, sun or shade, all the runs must be done.

Drivers
While the runner is on the course, the rest of the team is either off the course inactive (six members) or in the van leapfrogging. As the runner goes out, the van will pass him, wait to check on him and make sure he is okay, then drive ahead, then wait on him, etc. This happens until the runner is close enough to the exchange, at which time the van drives ahead and the next runners gets ready to go out. Being a driver at a relay can be incredibly stressful. You have to watch for regular traffic, other vans, and all the runners out on the course. You have to stay awake when others are napping, stay alert behind the wheel, and stay focused on everything around you. It's a lot of pressure but it has to be done.

Navigators/Safety Officers
The driver is assisted by the front-seat passenger. This person acts a navigator, making sure the driver knows where they are going. This can be extremely confusing, as there are potentially three different routes - the runner's route, the directed van route, and the most direct route offered by GPS. Sometimes it's easy when the runners all go down a long, long highway. Other times, it's made difficult by lots of turns and different roads. This person is also the designated Safety Officer, tasked with helping keep the driver, the other passengers, and the runners safe.

Timekeepers
Keeping time in a relay race is super important. The first part is paying attention to the time your runner has been on the course. You need to know when to expect them to run by during a check-in stop and when to expect them to come into the exchange at the end of their run. You don't want to screw it up and miss your runner. The other important element of timekeeping is when you are switching from one van to the other. The inactive van needs to keep up with the active van so they know when to get to the exchange and take over. Screw up the timekeeping and you end up with a runner coming in and no one there to replace him.

Social Media Team
Be honest, half the fun of running a relay race is the chance to show off your adventures on social media. But that takes time and energy, so it's good to designate a person to keep up with Facebook/Instagram/Twitter, etc.

On Deck and Recovery Runners
While one runner is on the course, there are two other runners to deal with. One is the person who has just finished. She needs time to recover after her run, so she will usually settle in the van and spend time cooling down, getting out of her running gear, and often grabbing a quick snack and a drink. The other runner is the On Deck runner, who needs to spend time getting ready to run. That means they are fidgeting with their earphones and music, GPS watch, running shoes, etc. They are focused on themselves and need that time to get prepped to run.

Cheerleaders/Supporters
This may be the most important role of all. While your runner is on the course, you want to make sure that you stop alongside the road, wait for them to pass, and then cheer and encourage them. You might also meet them with water or snacks, depending on how long they have been on the course and what they need. You also want to be at each exchange to cheer your runners in and out.
____________

If you're counting, you'll see that makes eight distinct roles, but each van only has six people. And that means that people often have to cover more than one job at the same time. Teammates will shift around and take responsibility for different tasks based on the needs of the van at any given time. And each job is important.

So, if you want to run a relay race, be prepared to do more than run. This is truly a team event, and there is something for everyone to do at any given time.

Okay, now who wants to run a relay race with me?

Project One Five - Day 001 (Actions 001-005)

With a single Tweet, this project has now gone from "I wonder if I should" to "so this is happening." And that increases my likelihood of sticking with it.

Not everyone is on board with something like this, so why engage with them when I'm trying to focus on doing something good for myself? Nope, no need. So it's time to clean up my social media feed and make sure it's positive and affirming.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Working while standing is a great way to increase my energy levels, burn more calories, and feel better all day. It's a win/win.

I'm not pretending to swear off junk food completely, but today, I'm choosing a better lunch option.

This is the start of this one hundred day journey, so I'm making an exception to my once-weekly planned weigh-in. This is embarrassing to admit, but the truth is the truth. This is what I weigh. Catch me again a week from Saturday and we'll see some changes. Count on that.

And that's Day 01.

#ProjectOneFive

Project One Five? Yes, Project One Five.

There is a craziness about doing the same things over and over despite knowing they don’t work. I mean, repeat the same behavior and you get the same results. It’s that simple. And when the behavior is bad or ineffective, the results will be poor.

What hasn’t worked

Quick fixes. There is no way instant solution that fixes everything. Expecting that to happen leads to disappointment and I ultimately fail.

Extreme shifts. All or nothing behavior isn’t sustainable in the long run. I change drastically, then cave back to my previous behaviors and ultimately fail.

Scale-based challenges. As much as I want to see my body weight numbers fall, I know that physical health is more than digits on a scale. Sooner or later, the scale stalls, sending me into a tailspin and I ultimately fail.

Myopic changes. Being focused on just one piece of my overall health means that other areas are neglected. I become unbalanced and ultimately fail.

Small goals and short-term plans aren’t cutting it. They all lead to failure.

What has worked

Back in 2012, I signed up to run the Pasadena Marathon. But at the beginning of the year, I knew I was in no shape to run it. I had put on weight since running the Marine Corps Marathon in October 2011. I was (not) dealing with depression. And I felt completely adrift from training and preparation. I was just stumbling from day to day, honestly.

But I found a way. I created Project One Five, a hyper-focused training program to prepare me for Pasadena. I made a one-hundred-day commitment. Each day, I would find five different ways to help me get ready for my upcoming marathon. Items would include physical training, emotional recovery, spiritual study, and mental planning. Anything counted, provided it moved me from where I was to where I wanted to be.

It was a total success. Without working on a specific weight loss goal, I still managed to drop to 182 pounds. I raised more than $2500 for Semper Fi Fund Injured Marine Fund. And I ran a 4:40 marathon, beating my previous PR by nineteen minutes. By all measures, Project One Five helped me get completely back on track and reach all of my goals.

All that said, it’s clear to me that I need to kick off another Project One Five if I am to be successful again.

It sounds intimidating, I know. Five hundred actions between now and June 16, 2017. But when I break it down to one action at a time, five actions per day, it becomes possible. And when I look back on my previous experience, I know it is more than possible. It’s absolutely doable.

Wednesday morning, March 8, 2017, is day one. Feel free to follow my progress on my blog (Runner12) or on Twitter (@JohnHulsey).

I can do this. Again.