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Be the Person Who Returns the Cart

Some weeks I feel like I am barely holding it together. I wake up already tired. I carry around a knot of frustration that I pretend is just “being busy.” I snap at things that do not deserve it. I lose patience with people who are doing their best. And I hate that version of myself.

Maybe you know that feeling too.

We are all walking around with invisible bruises. We are all carrying something heavy. And somewhere along the way we started acting like our pain gives us permission to stop being decent to each other. I do it. You probably do it. Most of us do. That is why this matters.

Be the person who returns the grocery cart.  

Not because it is easy. Not because anyone will notice. Do it because it is a tiny moment where you choose to be better than your mood. Do it because it reminds you that you still have control over the kind of person you are becoming.

Be the person who uses their turn signal.  

It is such a small thing, but it is a way of saying that the people around you matter. It is a way of acknowledging that you are not the only one trying to get somewhere.

Be the person who lets someone merge when they signal.  

You have been that driver before. You know what it feels like to hope someone will show you a little grace.

Be the person who turns off your speakerphone in public.  

No one needs to hear your call. No one needs to absorb your noise. Respect the space you share with other human beings who are carrying their own invisible weight.

Be the person who holds the door.  

Be the person who does not sigh loudly when the line is slow.  

Be the person who does not treat strangers like obstacles.

Here is the truth I do not love admitting.  

I fail at this all the time. I get impatient. I get self absorbed. I get wrapped up in my own stress and forget that everyone around me is fighting their own battles. I forget that kindness is a choice I have to make again and again. And when I forget, I feel it. I feel the distance it creates between me and the world.

Maybe you feel that too.

These small choices are not small at all. They are the difference between a world that feels survivable and a world that feels hostile. They are how we remind each other that humanity is still alive. They are how we rebuild trust in a time when trust feels fragile.

Return the cart.  

Use your turn signal.  

Let someone in.  

Hold the door.  

Turn off the speakerphone.  

Choose decency even when it costs you a little comfort.

If enough of us do that, maybe we will remember what it feels like to live in a world where people look out for each other. Not because they have to. Because they want to. Because they know it matters.

And I want that world. I want to be someone who helps build it. Even on the days when I fall short.

Especially on those days.

Learning to Be Kind to Yourself

I’ve spent most of my life being harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And let’s be real: that’s saying something, because the world isn’t exactly gentle with people like us. But somewhere along the way - between the chaos of my twenties, the grief of the 80s, the slow burn of adulthood, and the ongoing wrestling match with depression and anxiety - I realized something I wish I’d learned decades earlier.

Being kind to yourself isn’t indulgent. It isn’t selfish. It isn’t weakness.

It’s survival.

And yet, it’s one of the hardest damn things to do.

We’re taught from a young age to push, to strive, to hustle, to “be strong,” to “shake it off,” to “get over it.” We’re told that rest is laziness, that vulnerability is embarrassing, that asking for help is some kind of moral failure. And if you grow up queer in the era I did, you learn to armor up even more. You learn to anticipate judgment before it arrives. You learn to apologize for taking up space.

You learn to turn the knife inward long before you ever point it outward.

So yeah, being kind to yourself? It feels unnatural. It feels like speaking a language you were never taught.

But here’s the truth I keep coming back to: if you don’t learn to treat yourself with compassion, the world will eat you alive. And you’ll help it.

Kindness toward yourself isn’t about bubble baths or scented candles—though God knows I’m not knocking either. It’s about giving yourself permission to be human. To be flawed. To be tired. To be grieving. To be healing. To be in progress. To be a mess. To be magnificent. To be all of it at once.

It’s about recognizing that you are not a machine built for productivity. You are a person. A complicated, emotional, beautifully imperfect person.

And you deserve the same grace you offer everyone else.

I’ve spent years telling friends to take care of themselves, to rest, to breathe, to stop beating themselves up. I’ve written paragraphs of encouragement to people I barely know. I’ve held space for others in their darkest moments. But when it comes to myself? I’ve been stingy. Brutal, even. I’ve held myself to standards I would never impose on another living soul.

And I know I’m not alone in that.

So let me say this plainly, in case you need to hear it the way I needed to hear it:

You are allowed to be gentle with yourself.

You are allowed to forgive yourself.

You are allowed to rest.

You are allowed to not be okay.

You are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to be loved, by others and by yourself.

Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean you stop growing. It means you stop bleeding for the sake of growth.

It means you stop treating your life like a punishment.

It means you stop believing the lie that you have to earn your own compassion.

And look, I’m not pretending I’ve mastered this. I still wake up some mornings ready to wage war against myself. I still hear the old voices telling me I’m not doing enough, not achieving enough, not being enough. But I’m learning, slowly and stubbornly, to talk back. To soften. To breathe. To give myself the same patience I give everyone else.

Some days I succeed. Some days I don’t. But the effort itself is a kind of kindness.

So if you’re reading this and thinking, “Yeah, but I don’t deserve that,” let me stop you right there. You do. You absolutely do. Not because you’ve earned it, not because you’ve achieved something, not because you’ve checked all the boxes on some imaginary list.

You deserve kindness because you’re human. Full stop.

And if no one has told you that lately, let me be the one to say it.

Be kind to yourself. Not someday. Not when you’ve “fixed” yourself. Not when you feel better. Not when you’ve accomplished something impressive.

Now. Today. In the middle of the mess.

You’re worth that much.

Trans Rights Are Human Rights. Full Stop.

Trans Rights Are Human Rights. Full Stop.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to live in a country that claims to value freedom and equality while actively stripping both away from some of its most vulnerable people. And let me be clear right from the start. Transgender rights are human rights. There is no debate to be had. There is no moral gray area. There is no version of justice that excludes transgender people from dignity, safety, or equality.

Yet here we are, again, watching a second Trump administration continue the same pattern of hostility toward transgender people that we saw the first time around. Policies, proposals, and public statements that target transgender Americans have not slowed down. They have intensified. The message is loud and clear. Some people in power believe transgender people should not exist in public life.

And I am tired of it. I am tired of pretending this is anything other than what it is. A targeted attack on human beings who deserve better.

The Reality Trans People Live With Every Day

Transgender people face discrimination in nearly every part of life. Healthcare. Employment. Housing. Education. Public spaces. Safety. Even something as basic as using a restroom becomes a battleground because some people cannot handle the idea that gender is more complex than what they learned in a middle school biology class.

Imagine being qualified for a job, doing the work, showing up every day, and still being passed over for promotions or pushed out entirely because of your gender identity. Imagine being a teenager who cannot walk down a school hallway without fear of harassment. Imagine being denied medical care because a provider refuses to acknowledge who you are.

This is not hypothetical. This is daily life for far too many transgender people.

And it is not because there is something wrong with them. It is because there is something wrong with us. With our systems. With our politics. With our refusal to see transgender people as fully human.

Awareness Is Not Optional

Transgender awareness is not a feel good project. It is not a trendy social cause. It is a necessity. Awareness is what pushes back against the ignorance that fuels discrimination. It is what challenges the myths and lies that get repeated so often people start to believe them. It is what helps create communities where transgender people can live without fear.

Think about a transgender teenager in a school where no one understands what it means to be trans. They are bullied. They are isolated. They are treated like a problem instead of a person. Now imagine that same school with real education, real awareness, and real support. The difference is life changing.

Awareness saves lives. It really is that simple.

The Trump Administrations and the Attempt to Erase Trans People

During the first Trump administration, there were attempts to redefine gender in a way that would legally erase transgender people. The proposal was to define gender by genitalia at birth and genetic testing, ignoring decades of scientific research and the lived experiences of millions of people.

That effort did not disappear. It evolved.

The second Trump administration has continued to pursue policies that restrict the rights of transgender people. These include efforts to limit healthcare access, weaken civil rights protections, and narrow the legal definition of gender in ways that exclude transgender Americans. These actions are not neutral. They are not accidental. They are deliberate attempts to roll back progress and make life harder for transgender people.

This is not policy. It is cruelty.

Rescinding Protections Hurts Real People

When federal guidelines protecting transgender students were rescinded the first time, it was not a small bureaucratic change. It was a message. And the second Trump administration has continued to send that same message through new directives and policy shifts.

Imagine being a transgender student who had finally been allowed to use the restroom that matched your identity. Then imagine that right being taken away. Imagine the fear. The humiliation. The message that your identity is something to be corrected or punished.

This is not policy. This is harm.

The Wave of Anti Trans Legislation

The number of anti trans bills introduced in recent years is staggering. Hundreds of bills designed to restrict healthcare, limit legal recognition, ban participation in sports, and push transgender people out of public life entirely.

These bills are not based in science. They are not based in medical expertise. They are not based in compassion. They are based in fear, misinformation, and political theater.

And they are dangerous.

They deny life saving healthcare. They increase violence. They isolate transgender youth. They tell an entire group of people that their existence is a problem to be solved.

Homophobia and Transphobia Are Public Health Crises

This is not dramatic language. It is reality. LGBTQ people are far more likely to be victims of violent hate crimes. Anti LGBTQ incidents have skyrocketed. Discrimination creates barriers to housing, healthcare, education, and employment.

Organizations like NASTAD, MPact Global, and GATE have declared homophobia and transphobia public health crises because the data is undeniable. When a society targets a group of people, their health suffers. Their safety suffers. Their lives suffer.

And we should all care about that.

Equality Is Not Complicated

Transgender equality is not a radical idea. It is the simple belief that transgender people deserve the same rights and protections as everyone else. Healthcare. Housing. Employment. Safety. Legal recognition. Respect.

Imagine a world where transgender people can access gender affirming care without barriers. Where they can work without fear of discrimination. Where they can live openly without being targeted. That world is not impossible. It is simply a matter of political will and human decency.

Education Matters

If we want a future where transgender people can live safely and authentically, we need education. We need schools that teach the truth about gender. We need workplaces that understand and respect transgender employees. We need healthcare systems that treat transgender patients with competence and compassion.

Education is how we build a society that values every person. It is how we break the cycle of ignorance that fuels discrimination.

Healthcare Should Not Be a Battle

Transgender people deserve healthcare that affirms their identity and meets their needs. They deserve providers who understand their experiences. They deserve insurance coverage that does not treat their care as optional or experimental.

Imagine walking into a clinic and knowing you will be treated with respect. Imagine not having to explain your identity to every new provider. Imagine receiving care without judgment.

That should not be a dream. It should be the standard.

The Bottom Line

Transgender rights are human rights. They are not negotiable. They are not political bargaining chips. They are not cultural debates. They are the basic rights every person deserves.

We all have a responsibility to speak up, to push back, to educate ourselves, and to support the transgender community. Because a society that denies rights to one group will eventually deny them to others.

And because every transgender person deserves to live openly, safely, and authentically. Without fear. Without shame. Without apology.

The Shame of American Christianity

I am not a Christian. I do not belong to any church, and I do not speak from inside the faith. What I am is an observer. A witness. Someone who has spent a lifetime watching American Christianity from the outside and trying to make sense of the enormous gap between the teachings of Jesus and the behavior of many who claim to follow Him.

And from where I stand, that gap is not a crack. It is a canyon.

Even as an outsider, I can see the beauty in the teachings of Jesus. Compassion. Humility. Justice. Mercy. Feeding the hungry. Caring for the poor. Loving your neighbor. Loving your enemy. These are powerful, transformative ideas. They are the kind of values that could change the world if people actually lived them.

But that is not what I see in much of American Christianity today. What I see instead is a faith tangled up in politics, power, and money. A faith that often behaves in ways that look nothing like the man it claims to follow. And the shame of that is impossible to ignore.

Where It All Went Wrong

Somewhere along the way, Christianity in this country drifted far from its roots. The message of Jesus did not simply fade. It was buried. Replaced. Used as a tool for influence and control.

Churches that should be sanctuaries became political rally halls. Pastors who should be preaching compassion started preaching fear. And the loudest voices became the ones least interested in living anything like Jesus.

Let us be honest. Jesus did not say, “Blessed are the wealthy.” He did not say, “Love your neighbor unless they vote differently.” He did not say, “Feed the hungry, but only if they pass a drug test.” He did not say, “Welcome the stranger unless they make you uncomfortable.”

Yet here we are.

Jesus and Politics: A Collision That Never Should Have Happened

Jesus did not run for office. He did not endorse candidates. He did not build a political machine. He taught people how to treat one another. He taught compassion, forgiveness, humility, and justice.

Yet modern American Christianity has become a political brand that thrives on outrage, fear, and division. From the outside, it is jarring to watch. Some churches have built entire empires on the idea that the world is out to get them. They preach persecution while sitting in enormous buildings with tax exemptions. They preach love while pushing policies that harm the very people Jesus spent His life defending.

And the shame of it, the real shame, is that many people outside the church now think that is Christianity. They think Jesus is synonymous with cruelty, judgment, and hypocrisy. And who can blame them.

The Prosperity Gospel: Greed Dressed Up as Faith

If Jesus walked into some of these churches today, He would flip more than a few tables. The prosperity gospel, the idea that God rewards faith with wealth, might be the most backward, anti-Jesus theology ever invented. Jesus warned about wealth constantly. He told the rich young ruler to give everything away. He praised the widow who gave her last coin. He said you cannot serve both God and money.

Yet in America, there are pastors flying private jets and preaching that poverty is a moral failure.

It is shameful. And it is absolutely not Christianity.

Hunger and Homelessness: The Test American Christianity Keeps Failing

If you want to know how closely a society follows Jesus, look at how it treats the people who have the least. And by that measure, American Christianity is failing in spectacular fashion.

Jesus fed people. He healed people. He touched the untouchable. He did not ask for paperwork or proof of worthiness. He did not shame people for being poor. He did not blame them for their circumstances.

Yet American Christianity often looks the other way. Or worse, it judges. It moralizes. It excuses itself from responsibility. It builds larger sanctuaries instead of larger shelters. It funds political campaigns instead of food banks.

And that gap, that betrayal of Jesus’ most basic teachings, is where the shame lives.

The Human Cost of All This

Even as an outsider, I can see the emotional wreckage this creates for people inside the faith. Shame is not an abstract idea. It is lived. It is felt. It is the heartbreak of watching people get hurt by the very institution that was supposed to offer healing. It is the disillusionment that settles in when the faith they grew up with does not look anything like the faith Jesus taught.

For many, that shame becomes a breaking point. They walk away. They lose community. They lose identity. They lose the version of God they thought they knew.

But sometimes that breaking is what makes room for something real. Something honest. Something that actually looks like Jesus.

Where American Christianity Goes From Here

American Christianity is at a crossroads. It can keep doubling down on fear, power, and politics, or it can return to the radical, inconvenient, uncomfortable teachings of Jesus. The teachings that demand compassion. The teachings that require sacrifice. The teachings that challenge people to love those they would rather ignore.

There is still hope. There are churches doing the work. There are Christians feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, fighting for justice, living with humility. There are people who are tired of the hypocrisy and ready for something real.

But the faith will not heal until it admits it is sick.

And maybe the shame so many people feel is not a curse. Maybe it is a sign that their hearts are still aligned with Jesus, even when the institution using His name is not.

Maybe the shame is the beginning of something better.

Without My Sparkle

He said, “Maybe you should tone it down a little,” and he really believed he was being kind. He probably even thought he was doing me a favor by offering that little nugget of wisdom.

He had no idea what would actually happen if I took his advice.

If I toned it down, even a little, the whole world would see the mess underneath. The sparkle is not decoration. It is survival. It is the thing that keeps people from noticing how chaotic it gets inside my head. No one needs front row seats to that.

The truth is simple. The louder, brighter, funnier version of me is not fake. It is the version that keeps me moving. It is the version that keeps me from sinking. It is the version that lets me walk through the world without handing everyone a map to the parts of me that are still healing.

Because yes, there are dark corners. There are old wounds. There are nights when my brain feels like it is trying to fold in on itself. But that is not the whole story, and it is not the part I owe to anyone.

People see the sparkle and assume it is extra. They do not realize it is the shield. They do not realize it is the thing that keeps me from collapsing under the weight of everything I have lived through. They do not realize that if I ever stopped shining, even for a moment, the cracks would show in ways I am not ready to let anyone witness.

So no, I will not tone it down. I will not shrink myself to make someone else more comfortable. I will not dim the parts of me that keep me standing.

The sparkle stays. It has to.

And if someone cannot handle that, they can look away.

Gay Veterans Aren't Hiding

Yesterday, a veterans’ group I am part of posted an image of a rainbow flag and recognized its gay and lesbian members. Most of the feedback and comments were positive, but as you can imagine, there were also a lot of hateful and bigoted responses. The group administrator deleted those as they came in, but some of them were up long enough to be seen. Other responses were not positive but lacked the “hate factor” and were allowed to remain. One in particular caught my attention and prompted me to reply at great length. I share it here with the original poster’s name removed as it’s not my intention to attack or shame any particular person. Instead, I am choosing to use this opportunity to share my thoughts on being gay, being a veteran, and navigating the spaces in between.

First, the response to the gay pride flag being shared:

Honestly could care less about someone elses lifestyle. I live my own life. However, i come to this site to escape the gender poltics of this day and age, and yet here it is. Im a vwteran, and a biologist. As a a biologist, scientifically anything that does not produce offsprings is a waste of resources that ensures a speciea survival, and as a veteran, im well versed in people having beliefs i dont agree with, and living my own life. But as i said, i come here to escape the world of identity poltics. Its a shame thats no longer possible. In my day, we were all green. Your politics and personal identity dont mean shit. Keep it to yourself. You younger folks will never understand.

And my response:

There’s so much to unpack here, but it’s 3:30am, I can’t sleep, and I’m comfortable meeting someone where they are. So here goes.

It’s not a lifestyle. By definition, lifestyle is the”typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture.” It also denotes the choices a person makes in their way of life. For example, a lifestyle might be one of a soldier, a runner, a soccer mom, a hermit, or a party animal. Like straight people, lesbians and gay men are diverse in how we live and in the choices we make. Being gay isn’t a single lifestyle any more than straight people all share the same lifestyle.

Gender politics is the debate about the societal roles and relations of men and women. That has nothing to do with recognizing the diversity of a population.

You say that scientifically anything that doesn’t produce offspring is a waste of resources that ensures a species’ survival. Fun fact, human beings are more than cells in a petri dish. The complexity of the human experience not only allows for but actually thrives on diversity. Did you know that historically, homosexual Native Americans were considered “Two Spirit” and they played an invaluable role in tribes as nurturers and care givers? Who do you think raised the children of warriors who died in battle or mothers who passed away early? In our own more recent history, gays who typically did not have children of their own supported the survival of the species in two ways — they were more likely to be caregivers for aging parents, thus freeing their straight siblings to raise the next generation and they were more often available to provide financial and emotional assistance to those children. And of course, gay men and women have long adopted the unwanted children that straight people brought into this world but were unable or unwilling to care for. Finally, given the technology available currently, gays are just as capable of having and raising children of their own. And studies show that they are often better parents, perhaps because a gay couple is unlikely to “accidentally” get pregnant, so a child of a gay couple is wanted, prepared for, and financially stable.

Now you’ve switched to identify politics, in which groups of people having a particular racial, religious, ethnic, social, or cultural identity tend to promote their own specific interests or concerns without regard to the interests or concerns of any larger political group. I see no evidence that acknowledging the existence of gay and lesbian veterans adversely impacts the military or the greater veteran community, any more than a reunion group of infantry Marines or submariners somehow takes away from the cohesion of veterans overall. We often take time to recognize and celebrate groups of servicemen and women and no one thinks that takes away from our larger identity. We honor those who fought at Iwo Jima and don’t consider that insulting or degrading to those who fought at Belleau Wood. We honor our service members who are parents on Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day and don’t think that is any sort of slight against veterans who don’t have children. We are all many things, and I can be a proud gay veteran and a proud veteran at the same time.

So, in your day everyone in the military was “all green” and your personal identity didn’t mean shit. Sounds good, but I doubt that was true. If everyone was the same, why did married people wear wedding rings if not to tell the world that they had a spouse? Why were there so many battalion “family days” where soldiers were expected to bring their spouses and children? If your personal identity didn’t mean anything, why all the attention on who people were outside the uniform? Why did people working in an office have pictures of their wives or girlfriends on their desks? Believe me, straight people bring their sexuality into the public and into the workplace every single day. They just don’t realize they are doing it.

And you think people should keep their private life to themselves? So why did people feel the need to share where they grew up before joining the service? And why did Marines argue amongst themselves over the tougher boot camp, Parris Island or San Diego? It’s because serving in the military was only a part of our overall identity and it is human nature to seek out commonality amongst larger groups. Marines became brothers and sisters not in spite of their individual identities but because of them. They bonded over stories of childhood and discovered commonalities. They grew closer on weekend liberty, connecting with one another as more than just Marines but as friends with shared lives. You can’t hide your personal identity and expect to engage and be engaged with others.

Hopefully, what younger folks will never understand is that it’s okay to expect that anyone different from the societal norm will hide themselves away in shame and secret. What younger folks will never understand is that there is something inherently wrong with being gay or lesbian. And what younger folks will never understand is that some people are uncomfortable or afraid of gays and lesbians and prefer that they remain in the shadows.

It’s time that gay military personnel are able to serve without other people challenging their very right to exist. And it’s also time that the service of gay and lesbian military veterans is acknowledged and celebrated.

Any questions? You know where to find me.

Burn That Bridge

I realized today that I am very fortunate. My real-life social circle is tight. We have different opinions but we share the same core values and beliefs. And that means I don’t have to endure awkward conversations with bigots, racists, sexists, and homophobes. I just don’t. They aren't allowed into my home or to prattle on at work or show up at family gatherings. Those people are no longer part of my life.

But today, I’m thinking about my many Facebook friends that *do* put up with that shit. They hear their family members and close friends say all kinds of horrible things about people that they see as different or somehow inferior. And they try again and again to build bridges only to be shot down as “libtards” or “snowflakes.”

I’m sorry you all deal with that. You must have your reasons, but please know that you don’t have to go through life burdened by that crap. You don’t have to be an emotional punching bag for people who lack decency and compassion for other people if those other people happen to be a shade too dark, or love someone of their own gender, or care about the less fortunate.

You can choose the people you let into your life. You can choose the people you allow to stay. And you most certainly can choose to cast off anyone who isn’t on board with the values you hold dear.

Wrapping Up The Holistic Challenge

 Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge for Mind, Body, and Soul

During the month of December, I challenged myself to do a new thing each day in an attempt to better myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

So, how did it go?

In a phrase, it worked well. 

Now here are some of the details.

• I tried to be realistic about the things I could do in a single day, especially as they began to stack up through the month.
• I tried to vary the tasks so I was tapping into the different areas of the challenge.
• I struggled later in the month as the holidays and other distractions became an issue.
• Overall, I enjoyed the challenge and might do something similar again later.

And believe it or not, I am still doing many of the things that came out of the challenge. Over the next few weeks, I'll be blogging about them individually and share why I am continuing them.

Thanks to everyone who encouraged me. It was a great experience.

An Atheist Singing Christmas Songs?

​If you know me at all, you likely already know that I’m an atheist. So you might also be wondering why someone who believes as I do would have so many “Birth of Jesus” tracks in my Favorite Christmas Songs playlist. And today, I’m taking the time to explain.

When I was a little boy, raised mostly by my Catholic grandparents, I certainly believed in God and Jesus. My life away from them was chaotic and painful, and I took comfort in knowing that there was a greater power watching over me. It brought me peace and shelter when my life had none of that. And, of course, the Christmas songs that celebrated the Prince of Peace, the Messiah, and the King of Kings resonated with me. I needed to believe that all would one day be good for me.

As I grew older, my questioning nature became problematic for me. I wondered why God would allow horrible things to happen to children, for example. I just couldn’t accept that an all-knowing, all-powerful God would let the world exist as it was. After a time, I couldn’t align my worldly observations with the promise of a loving God. My empirical beliefs began to fall, but I still clung to the emotional feelings it gave me. It was almost like I knew better than to believe, but my heart longed for the love and peace of Jesus. So I accepted the reality but still held the promise in my heart.

Fast forward more years and even the idea of Jesus became painful. Listening to anti-gay voices from the Church screaming on corners that I was an abomination and would surely burn in Hell ultimately severed any feelings and any respect I had for organized religion. I saw anything church-related as adversarial, and it was easy to do. The hateful, angry voices that claimed to speak for God drove me completely and fully away. Even if God existed, he hated me, so fuck him. Fuck all of that and anyone who hid behind their faith while attacking my entire existence. As they say, “there’s no hate quite like Christian love.”

But time goes by. Hearts change.

Be clear. I still feel complete disgust for organized religion and the charlatans who use their interpretation of a holy book to fleece the trusting, berate the non-believers, and attack anyone different. But those are not the people that are still in my life.

My life is filled with people who are not lead by “religion.” Instead, their hearts are full of love. They care about other people just as those others are, without demanding they change to align with their own beliefs. And most importantly, they live their faith instead of wielding it like a weapon.

Those people will not convince me there is a god, of course. I am a grown man comfortable with my beliefs at this point in my life. But these friends of mine, and often friends of theirs, walk in the spirit of their beliefs. They love other people as the invaluable and magical human beings they are. They don’t demand change or obedience. Instead, they meet people wherever they are and bring love and kindness to those interactions.

What does all of that have to do with my playlist? It’s simple. These amazing people are my bridge back to those days when the idea of God and Jesus was a comfort. They help me appreciate the spirit of the season - peace, joy, and love to all people.

In other words, because so many of you show me and others like me kindness, love, and true acceptance just as we are, I can appreciate the message that Christmas brings to all mankind. You let me sing of angels, forgiveness, and a hope for tomorrow. So I sing the songs again, appreciating them as calls to love more, to give more, and to be more to those around me.

I’m still an atheist. But these songs help my heart open up just a little wider. And I choose to believe that is a good thing in itself.

Merry Christmas, all. My wish for you is that today brings you peace and joy, whether we believe the same or not. My humanity is surely made greater by your own.

The 22nd. December. And Finding Reasons to Stay.

 (I wrote this last year, but it could have just as easily been written this morning. The only real difference is, I'm now working with a therapist to keep my depression at bay. But it never really goes away completely. If this sounds like you, I'm right here. Talk to me. We'll battle whatever the fuck demons required to make sure we are both still standing come the sunrise. Please get help. We can't lose you.)

Today is the 22nd. On this day each month, I share a post about the high rate of veteran suicides. But this month isn’t like all of the others. So it seems fitting that what I’m going to share today isn’t like my usual posts, either. I’m going to talk about some facts, some truths, and some action items.

First, the facts. And they’re not good. Every single day, approximately 125 Americans die by suicide. That means there is one suicide death in the US every 11.5 minutes. On average, each suicide touches more than one hundred people, with 15-30 considered severely affected. And here’s one more timely fact. Despite Spring and Fall being the times of the year when death by suicide increases, New Year’s Day is the holiday that sees the highest number of suicide attempts.

And there’s more. For every suicide death, there are:

• 4 hospitalizations for suicide attempts
• 8 emergency department visits related to suicide
• 27 self-reported suicide attempts
• 275 people who seriously considered suicide

The exact numbers change slightly depending on the study cited, but this isn’t about a percentage point or a rounding average. It’s about the humanity behind the numbers.

And here’s some truths. Even the most well-meaning of us can easily miss the signs that a loved one is thinking about suicide. Sometimes we are occupied with our own stressful thoughts and the everyday demands of life and we just don’t notice. Or we might get a sense that something is off, but when we ask, our concerns are brushed off with a simple, “oh, no, I’m just tired from work,” or “I’m good, just swamped at school right now.” And if we are really worried and we press the issue, a friend or other loved one may just flat out lie to us and deny there is anything going on at all.

We recently lost a beloved entertainer to suicide. He was described as talented, handsome, successful, loved, and celebrated. And last week, a young activist working with the Human Rights Campaign died by suicide. He was known for his compassion and his dedication to helping the vulnerable and the marginalized. By all accounts, both of these individuals were living wonderful lives surrounded by caring friends and loving families. And yet, none of that was enough to save either man from their own suicidal ideations.

Here’s my personal truth. I am in a lifelong battle against depression and anxiety. Some days are better than others, sure. But some days are truly horrific. When it’s really bad, it feels almost like I can’t breathe. I am sad and hurt and mad and overwhelmed. My emotions churn inside of me to the point that just one more thing feels like it will be my undoing. My depression tells me that I can’t do anything about all the bad things surrounding me while my anxiety fuels my need to fix everything all at once. Yeah, it feels as fucked up as it sounds.

And there’s more. Those same voices that pile on one bad thing after another also lie when they convince me that I am alone in all of this. I know that my friends would drop everything to rush to help me if I would only tell them what is happening when it is happening. I know that cognitively, I mean. But emotionally, when I’m in that spiral, I don’t believe that. Instead, my brain tells myself whatever fuels my emotions.

• Why be kind of depressed when I can bottom out?
• Why be only a little sad when I can replay every horrible moment of my life and be gutted?
• And why feel a little lonely when I can be the guy whose friends wouldn’t really like him at all if they ever really knew him?

And here’s one last fucked up truth. I promise my friends that I will reach out to them if I ever find myself in such trouble that my suicidal thoughts are becoming ideations and actual plans. But I won’t. Because even before I pick up the phone, I run the whole conversation through in my mind. And if they were to ask, “John, are you thinking of harming yourself?”, I know that I would answer, “no, of course not, I’m just having a really tough time.” And since I know what I would say, I don’t call them. I don’t drag them through my own nightmare. I just let myself go as low as I need to before I take a deep breath, stuff it all back down in my little shame and guilt compartments, and pick myself up and walk on.

Do I worry that one day my low point will be so low that I can’t come back? Yeah, sometimes. And for my own sake, I hope that I would reach out then. Hard to say for sure, but I think so.
So what is the point of all of this self-disclosure? One of the things that grounds me is feeling like I am helping somebody else. I’m a helper-junkie, for lack of a better term. So I share just about everything that bounces around in my head in hopes that other people struggling with similar challenges will take comfort knowing they aren’t the only one. And putting this stuff out there candidly and without embarrassment may just empower someone else to do the same, to let other people see more than just the surface smiles. Things really do get better outside the comfort zone, right?

And finally, the promised action items. I should start by saying that writing all of this out like this has me thinking that it might be a good time to get myself a little more one on one time with a therapist. Living with depression and anxiety does not also have to mean being miserable and an emotional wreck beneath the happy, shiny surface. So that’s on my own to-do list.

Bigger than me, though, are some good to know things that may help someone else. The CDC has a lot of great information, and here are two of the simple things to be aware of:

What to Watch For
Individual, relationship, community, and societal factors may influence the risk of suicide. Know the suicide warning signs including:

• Feeling like a burden
• Being isolated
• Increased anxiety
• Feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
• Increased substance use
• Looking for a way to access lethal means
• Increased anger or rage
• Extreme mood swings
• Expressing hopelessness
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Talking or posting about wanting to die
• Making plans for suicide

How to Get Help
Safeguard the people in your life from the risk of suicide and support them:

• Ask. Be direct.
• Keep them safe.
• Be there.
• Help them connect. You can start with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org).
• Follow up.

(I’m not going to go back, read what I wrote about myself, and edit it to something watered down and safe. Honesty and full disclosure are more likely to help me and others, so it all stays as written.)

Day 21 - Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge

Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge for Mind, Body, and Soul

Challenge Day: 21 of 31

Action Added: Create Facebook Friend Lists

Benefit Type: Mental

___________

Each day I will spend a few minutes creating and arranging my Facebook Friend lists.

I use Facebook a lot, and part of that use includes posting things that are really targeted at a sub-group of my friends. Some posts are for runners, others are for Marines, and still others are for local types for shows or concerts. It would be super helpful to have Friend lists so I wouldn't have to select people individually. It will take a while, but it will be worth the effort.

___________

Previous Challenge Dropped: Stop drinking diet soda.

Reason Dropped: Because I am not feeling any benefits from it, even after two weeks. I don't need to drink as many per day as I used to, but diet soda with lunch or dinner is perfectly fine.

and

Previous Challenge Dropped: Spend 5 mins silent and without any tech.

Reason Dropped: After ten days, I can honestly say that I am not ready for anything like this. With so much going on right now, spending even five minutes completely inert is torture. Nope, no thanks.

Here is the link to the full spreadsheet with more details, updated daily.

Day 20 - Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge

Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge for Mind, Body, and Soul

Challenge Day: 20 of 31

Action Added: Gather My Encouraging Words

Benefit Type: Physical

___________

Each day I will spend a few minutes transcribing and categorizing my daily encouraging words.

My long-term goal is to offer a collection of my encouraging words as a daily calendar and/or as illustrations for an upcoming book. Either way, I need to make them all more readily accessible. With this challenge and enough time, I will be able to get this done.

___________

Previous Challenge Dropped: Stop drinking diet soda.

Reason Dropped: Because I am not feeling any benefits from it, even after two weeks. I don't need to drink as many per day as I used to, but diet soda with lunch or dinner is perfectly fine.

and

Previous Challenge Dropped: Spend 5 mins silent and without any tech.

Reason Dropped: After ten days, I can honestly say that I am not ready for anything like. With so much going on right now, spending even five minutes completely inert is torture. Nope, no thanks.

Here is the link to the full spreadsheet with more details, updated daily.

Days 18 and 19 - Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge

Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge for Mind, Body, and Soul

(I'm okay if I need to blog two or three challenges at once. The challenge itself is more important than writing it all down each day like clockwork.)

Challenge Day: 18 of 31

Action Added: Stretch It Out

Benefit Type: Physical

___________

Each day I will engage in a gentle physical stretching session.

I will hold a stretch for 30 seconds and avoid bouncing, which can cause injury.

Engaging in a gentle stretching session each day will offer me numerous physical benefits. Here are some of the key benefits I hope to notice:

1. Increased Flexibility: Regular stretching will help increase my flexibility, which is crucial for my overall health. Improved flexibility will help me perform everyday activities with relative ease and will also help delay the reduced mobility that can come with aging.

2. Improved Range of Motion: Being able to move a joint through its full range of motion will give me more freedom of movement. Regular stretching will help increase my range of motion.

3. Muscle Health: Stretching will keep my muscles flexible, strong, and healthy. Without it, muscles can shorten and become tight, which can put me at risk for joint pain, strains, and muscle damage.

4. Improved Posture: Regular stretching will help improve my posture.

5. Increased Blood Flow to Muscles: Stretching will increase blood flow to my muscles, which can help deliver nutrients to my body and my muscles.

6. Injury Prevention: By increasing flexibility, I will reduce the risk of muscle imbalances, which can lead to poor posture and injuries.

7. Reduced Muscle Soreness: Stretching after a workout will also help reduce muscle soreness.

8. Relaxation and Mental Wellbeing: Stretching will provide me with relaxation and relief, which is beneficial not only physically, but mentally as well.

Challenge Day: 19 of 31

Action Added: Find My Calm

Benefit Type: All-Around

___________

Each day I will access my Calm app and spend 10-15 minutes feeling calm and relaxed. 

Using an app like Calm in the future will offer me numerous benefits. Here are some of the key benefits I hope to experience:

1. Ease of Use: The Calm app is user-friendly and visually impressive, making it easy for me to navigate and use.

2. Mindfulness and Meditation: The app will provide me with hundreds of meditation practices and sleep stories, helping me to find inner peace and navigate life's stressors. It will also offer me a variety of wellness goals, such as sleeping better, reducing anxiety, and building self-esteem.

3. Improved Sleep: The app will offer sleep stories and relaxing music that will help me fall asleep faster.

4. Reduced Anxiety and Stress: The app will offer mindful guided meditation that can decrease my anxious state, allowing me to function more productively. It will also provide me with tools to manage stress and anxiety.

5. Increased Focus and Self-Improvement: The app will offer sessions on how to train my mind to focus, which will be beneficial for my overall mental health and productivity.

6. Variety of Content: The app will provide a wide range of content suitable for adults and children, from guided meditations to bedtime stories and soundscapes.

___________

Previous Challenge Dropped: Stop drinking diet soda.

Reason Dropped: Because I am not feeling any benefits from it, even after two weeks. I don't need to drink as many per day as I used to, but diet soda with lunch or dinner is perfectly fine.

and

Previous Challenge Dropped: Spend 5 mins silent and without any tech.

Reason Dropped: After ten days, I can honestly say that I am not ready for anything like. With so much going on right now, spending even five minutes completely inert is torture. Nope, no thanks.

Here is the link to the full spreadsheet with more details, updated daily.

Days 16 and 17 - Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge

Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge for Mind, Body, and Soul

(I'm okay if I need to blog two or three challenges at once. The challenge itself is more important than writing it all down each day like clockwork.)

Challenge Day: 16 of 31

Action Added: Check in with Myself

Benefit Type: All-Around

___________

Each day I will take a few minutes to think carefully about how I am feeling, decide if I need a little more attention in one area or another, or just need to throw up a hand and ask for help.

Taking a few minutes to think carefully about how I'm feeling and assessing my needs is a valuable practice for several reasons:

1. Self-awareness: Reflecting on my emotions and mental state helps me become more self-aware. Understanding my feelings allows me to identify patterns, triggers, and potential areas of concern.

2. Emotional regulation: Taking the time to assess my emotions enables me to regulate them more effectively. If I recognize that I'm feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious, I can take steps to manage these emotions before they escalate.

3. Prioritization: By evaluating how I'm feeling, I can prioritize my needs. This helps me focus on what truly matters at the moment and allocate my time and energy accordingly.

4. Decision-making: Being in tune with my emotions can enhance my decision-making process. I'm more likely to make thoughtful and rational decisions when I have a clear understanding of my emotional state.

5. Communication: Knowing my emotional needs allows me to communicate more effectively with others. If I need support or assistance, expressing my feelings and needs can strengthen my relationships and help others understand how they can best support me.

6. Preventing burnout: Regularly checking in with myself can help prevent burnout. If I notice signs of stress or exhaustion, I can take proactive steps to rest and recharge before reaching a point of burnout.

7. Increased well-being: Mindful self-reflection contributes to my overall well-being. It encourages a proactive approach to mental health and can lead to a greater sense of balance and fulfillment in various aspects of my life.

8. Building resilience: Understanding my emotions and needs allows me to build resilience. I can adapt more effectively to challenges and bounce back from setbacks when I have a clear awareness of my emotional landscape.

In short, taking time to reflect on my feelings and needs is a crucial aspect of self-care and personal development. It empowers me to make informed decisions, maintain healthy relationships, and prioritize my well-being.

Challenge Day: 17 of 31

Action Added: Take a Micro-Vacation

Benefit Type: All-Around

___________

Each day I will take 5-10 minutes and act as if I am planning a wonderful vacation. 

Taking a few minutes each day to imagine and plan future vacations benefits me in several ways:

1. Stress Reduction: Imagining and planning vacations serves as a mental escape, helping me disconnect from daily stressors and triggering positive emotions.

2. Increased Motivation: Having a future vacation to look forward to serves as a powerful motivator, providing a goal to work towards and helping me stay focused on tasks.

3. Improved Well-being: The anticipation of a vacation enhances my overall sense of well-being, contributing positively to my mood and life satisfaction.

4. Enhanced Creativity: Engaging in the imaginative process of planning a vacation stimulates my creativity, positively affecting problem-solving and other cognitive functions.

5. Quality Time with Loved Ones: Planning a vacation with family or friends strengthens our relationships, providing an opportunity to share ideas and build excitement together.

6. Financial Planning: Planning a vacation involves budgeting and financial considerations, helping me assess my financial situation and make informed decisions about resource allocation.

7. Cultural Exploration: Researching potential vacation destinations allows me to learn about different cultures, histories, and customs, broadening my perspective and knowledge.

8. Increased Sense of Control: Planning a vacation gives me a sense of control over my future experiences, allowing me to make choices that align with my preferences.

9. Positive Visualization: Engaging in positive visualization of a future vacation contributes to a more positive and optimistic outlook on life.

10. Savoring the Experience: The process of planning a vacation allows me to savor the experience in advance, extracting enjoyment from the anticipation and enhancing overall satisfaction.

In summary, taking a few minutes each day to imagine and plan future vacations is a simple yet effective way for me to incorporate positive thinking, goal-setting, and enjoyment into my daily routine.

___________

And, for the first time since I began this project on December 1st, I am dropping a challenge. Two, actually. Here's what and here's why.

Previous Challenge Dropped: Stop drinking diet soda.

Reason Dropped: Because I am not feeling any benefits from it, even after two weeks. I don't need to drink as many per day as I used to, but diet soda with lunch or dinner is perfectly fine.

and

Previous Challenge Dropped: Spend 5 mins silent and without any tech.

Reason Dropped: After ten days, I can honestly say that I am not ready for anything like. With so much going on right now, spending even five minutes completely inert is torture. Nope, no thanks.

Here is the link to the full spreadsheet with more details, updated daily.

Days 13, 14, and 15 - Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge

Embracing December: The Holistic Challenge for Mind, Body, and Soul

(I've been running behind so I'm catching up with multiple days.)

Challenge Day: 13 of 31

Action Added: Play a Game

Benefit Type: Mental

___________

Each day I will take 10-15 minutes to play a simple game, like Solitaire, Tetris, or Words with Friends.

Taking time each day to play a simple game provides vital mental benefits. It promotes cognitive function by engaging the brain in strategic thinking, problem-solving, and decision-making. This leisure activity serves as an effective stress reliever, diverting attention from daily pressures and fostering a sense of enjoyment. Games also stimulate the release of dopamine, enhancing mood and motivation. Furthermore, regular play fosters social connections, whether in person or online, contributing to a sense of community and reducing feelings of isolation. In summary, incorporating a daily game into my routine not only sharpens mental acuity but also positively influences emotional well-being and social interactions.

Challenge Day: 14 of 31

Action Added: Quick Clean-Up

Benefit Type: Emotional

___________

Each day I will take 5-10 minutes to tidy up an area of the house. 

Making time each day to tidy up the house provides emotional benefits by creating a sense of order and control. The act of organizing and decluttering fosters a calming environment, reducing stress and anxiety. A tidy space promotes mental clarity, allowing for better focus and relaxation. Additionally, accomplishing small cleaning tasks daily instills a sense of achievement, boosting self-esteem and overall well-being. It transforms the home into a sanctuary, positively impacting mood and fostering a more positive emotional state, ultimately contributing to a healthier and happier mindset.

Challenge Day: 15 of 31

Action Added: Find Some Good News

Benefit Type: Emotional

___________

Each day I will make it a point to seek out positive news or other upbeat stories.

Seeking out positive news stories can have profound emotional benefits by fostering feelings of hope, optimism, and joy. Consuming uplifting content provides a mental break from negativity, reducing stress and anxiety. Positive news stories can inspire a sense of community and restore faith in humanity, promoting a more positive outlook on life. This intentional focus on the good in the world enhances emotional well-being, encouraging individuals to approach challenges with resilience and a renewed sense of possibility.

___________

Previous Challenge Dropped: None

Reason Dropped: 

Here is the link to the full spreadsheet with more details, updated daily.