A Blaze of Apathy

It's been nearly a month since I posted a blog, and that seems just about right. The joke is that I'm going out in a blaze of apathy. Not cool. And not funny.

I've shared elsewhere that I'm taking some new medications, and although they are great for my mental health, they have not been as kind in other ways. One, the side effects are increased appetite and weight gain. Two, without my edge, I've been feeling somewhat "blah" and not really motivated to do anything.

It's a bit of a trade-off, actually. It's good that I am not experiencing manic or depressed stages. It's really good. Because those tend to get me into trouble. But I am also having to learn to work a little harder to stay motivated and focused on my physical goals. It's just so easy to be "okay" and let it go at that.

But physically, I'm not okay. I'm behind on my running schedule, I'm out of my workout routine, and I'm way off with my eating habits.

Sure, I'm having some good days.

But two days aren't a very strong pattern, are they?

In fact, the only pattern I see is that this is YET another blog from me talking about how poorly I have been doing and about how much I need to get my act together.

So that's a bit discouraging.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to turn this around long-term. But there has to be something, because I'm not happy where I am right now. But apparently, I'm not unhappy enough to take any real action.

Like I said, a blaze of apathy.

Some Days Just Suck.

Went to Vegas with the From Fat To Finish Line tribe. Had a lot of fun hanging out with the team. Then I ran/walked a cough-filled 5k.

And the good went to bad.

Woke up Sunday morning coughing and congested. Never felt better despite resting all morning, so opted to not run the half-marathon. And that sucked, watching everyone else run and not being able to join them. I was proud of all of them for crossing the finish line, but I'll admit it felt crappy to not be out there with them.

Got home on Monday, saw a doctor on Tuesday, and I'm now assigned to bedrest until tomorrow morning at the earliest. Apparently, running a full marathon, two half marathons, and a 200-mile relay race in just over a month is considered "pushing the limits" of what my body can handle. And now I'm paying the price.

Cue the blues.

I feel like crap. Instead of basking in the glow of a wonderful weekend with amazing people, I'm wallowing in a terrible mood of failure and sickness.

So, yeah, some days just suck. But at least I'm honest. I trust tomorrow will be better, but my expectations for today are going to stay right here at the bottom rung.

The Long Road to Long Beach

After the emotional experience that was my San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon, I really struggled to find any motivation. And as has happened before, I fell further and further into a spiral of bad moods and bad choices.

You know how that works, right? You don't feel like working out or going for a run, so you don't. And since you already feel bad, you give in to the food cravings. And since you overate junk food, you don't feel like running. And since you skipped your workout, you eat more crappy food. And on and on it goes, a spiral of poor choices and worse results.

That's been the last couple of months for me. There's more to the story, of course, but that's for another blog. I'll just say that these have been very dark days. But they haven't been the end of me. Nope, that's not happening.

So I had to find a way to get myself back on track. An unexpected invitation to run the Marine Corps Marathon was just the push I needed. And though I am not going to be able to get to Washington, DC, this October, I found another local event happening about the same time and signed up for it.

My next big race will be the Long Beach Marathon on October 9th. I'm not looking to set a PR at the event, but I do want to cross that starting line feeling confident that I am ready for the full 26.2 miles. That means I need to be focused and committed for the full nine weeks available for training.

Good news. I'm off to a fantastic start. Turns out, that spiral can work the other way, too. One good choice can lead to another. I went for a run and completed a simple 5k. That made me want to make better food choices afterwards. And eating a healthier dinner made it easier to wake up the next morning and go for another run. And there it was again, the "one thing leads to another" effect, but this time it was a positive chain that has had an immediate impact on my mood.

After gaining way more weight than I ever imagined I would, I have turned it all around with a few healthier choices. I have:

1. Engaged Rik Akey as my running coach
2. Begun tracking every single thing I eat on my FitBit
3. Committed to four runs each week
4. Added strength training
5. Started Yoga (for stretching and relaxation) 

But this, friends, is perhaps the single more important thing I have done. I made a promise to myself that I would write this blog, honestly and openly, and that I would post it before I had the chance to over-think it or worry too much.

And here it is, the whole ugly truth. I'm featured in a documentary about weight loss yet I've gained the weight back. I'm cited as an inspiration for others but I've been feeling like a complete fraud. And I'm trying to encourage others while I've been completely falling apart myself.

Sometimes, the truth sucks. But if I've learned anything over the course of nearly fifty years, it's that there is a big difference between being down and staying down. I've been down for a very long time, but I'm finally seeing the way back.

So here's the good news. After only one week of healthy eating and consistent workouts/runs, I am already feeling better. The numbers on the scale are better. And most importantly, I am looking ahead to what's coming instead of dwelling on what has happened behind me.

In one week... seriously, one week... I have lost 5.4 pounds. It's not something I was actually trying to do, and it is not a weight loss I expect to repeat week after week, but it's a nice affirmation that the basics are still the way to go.

I'm not starving myself. I'm not overdoing it at the gym. I'm just making good choices. And I'm seeing positive things happen because of them.

Eat healthy. Be active. Repeat consistently.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know that. But it all starts with a decision to change the things that are making me unhappy. So I am.

And that's how I am going to successfully complete the #LongRoadToLongBeach.

This is me on Monday, Aug 8th. And that
might actually be a smile on my face.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

My mood seems all over the place. I'm happy, feeling pretty good, and I really don't have a care in the world. Life is good. But I feel like something is waiting, floating just beyond where I can see. And it's something bad. 

As a child, I was in denial about these feelings. I would just ignore them and pretend that they weren't happening. But that just increased my anxiety level.

As an adult, I used to react very differently to such a feeling. I would have forced a good time, heading out with friends for drinks and burying the angst under a flood of cocktails and laughs. But I know better. That type of solution really isn't. Not only do I still have to deal with whatever worries I had, I also have to deal with the drama that I created the night before. It's just adding bad to bad. 

These days, I handle this type of feeling differently. Rather than deny it, or fight it, I accept that is where I am emotionally and make my peace with it. I don't wallow but I don't pretend, either. Instead, I take the time to care for myself. I make sure I do something that requires me to move around and burn off energy, then I eat something good and good for me. Finally, I hunker down with a good book and quiet time alone. 

It's not hiding. It's not brooding. And it's not pouting. It's just a little quiet me-time that helps me sort out whatever is making me anxious. And soon enough, often with the rising of the morning sun, I'm back to my old self. It might not work for everyone, but it gets me through the lower points. 

And with that, I'm heading home for a little "take care of SDJ" time. Happy Easter, all.