Ten Things That Were Different When I Was 40 Years Old

I've been 50 years old for a month now, and I'm feeling pretty much the same as before I turned 50. I'm still just me. But I have been thinking about my life these days and how it's different than, say, a decade ago.

So here, for my own amusement, are ten things that were different when I was 40 years old.

I wasn't a runner. Sure, I had run when I was in the Marine Corps. But that was back in my late teens and early 20's. As a 40 year old, I wasn't running anywhere. That changed on Sunday, October 3, 2010, when I ran my first 10k in less than an hour.









I had never run an eight-mile obstacle race. That changed on Saturday, February 26, 2011, when I ran the Super Spartan.

I had never run a half marathon. That changed on Sunday, March 13, 2011, when I ran the Safari Park Half Marathon.







I had never run a 200 mile relay race. That changed on Friday, April 16, 2011, when I completed my first ever Ragnar Relay.









I had never run a Tough Mudder. That changed on Saturday, May 28, 2011, when I ran the event in the San Bernardino Mountains.






I had never run a marathon. That changed on October 30, 2011, when I ran the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, D.C.








I had never been a featured participant in a documentary film. That changed in January 2013 when we filmed From Fat To Finish Line.





I hadn't run the same marathon more than once. That changed in October 2013 when I ran the Marine Corps Marathon for a second time. And it was just as spectacular as my first experience years earlier.


I had never walked a full marathon. That changed when I walked the majority of the San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon and then walked nearly all of the Long Beach Marathon. Both times, I chose to walk to accompany another runner, and I have zero regrets about either event.


And most significantly... more important than any other item listed... I wasn't part owner of a health & fitness company.  But that changed this year, because I now own stock in From Fat To Finish Line. Who knew that a guy could go from couch potato to part-owner of a fitness company? It's crazy, right? But it's true.

So much has happened over the last decade, far more than I ever could have imagined. But if I've learned anything in the journey from 40 to 50, it's that life can always get better, things can always improve, and the future holds more amazing surprises.

Here's to 50 and beyond. It's going to be a wild ride.

So, How's That "Back In My Groove" Thing Working Out?

Short answer: Great

And now for the longer answer...

I'm feeling good about what and how I'm doing. I'm getting back in a routine and hitting my daily goals. So far, so great.

But let's talk about those goals, because I've made some very specific changes. First, I've changed my Daily Step goal from 10,000 down to 5,000. That might seem counter-intuitive, since I'm supposed to be making my physical fitness MORE of a priority. But there's a method to my madness.

I changed my goal down because I am going to focus more on strength training, and I don't want to obsess every day about missing steps. And on my running days, I will more than cover the daily goal of 5,000.

Does that make sense? I mean, why set myself up for failure by having a large step goal on days I am planning on focusing on strength training? It just gives me an excuse to fail elsewhere, too.

Results

I'm happy with how things are going so far. I've hit nearly every goal for the last five days. And after today's four mile run, I expect I'll hit every goal today, too.

This feels good.

Start Anew Sunday, or "How Captain Awesome Got His Groove Back"

My fitness tribe, From Fat To Finish Line or FFTFL, has created a new hashtag called #StartAnewSunday. It's a way to recognize those who started a fitness journey, made great progress, perhaps even reached their weight goals, but then struggled and lost their way.

Right now, that's me.

It's a tough thing to admit, to really put the truth out there. I mean, even my blog is named Runner 12 in honor of my involvement with the documentary, From Fat To Finish Line. There's a certain public expectation that I am going to maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle. It's almost embarrassing to have to say, "Captain Awesome has totally lost his way." But it's true. I have. I have gone from leading the pack to hiding away from everyone. And that's not who I want to be at all.

But I'm only human. And like everyone else at some point or another, I have lost my way. And sadly, it's been a long, slow descent. I could have stopped it at any point but each step in the wrong direction seemed to lead to another.

Skipping a workout led to junk food for dinner, which means I felt like crap and didn't go to my next workout. Worse, I stopped even planning to go. I was still signing up for big events, but I didn't train for them. And my results showed that. I wasn't finishing well at all. I was barely getting across the finish line before the course closed. That's not something to be proud of if it's because I failed to train properly.

Eating crap. Drinking too much. Not working out or running. It's exactly how I put on all the weight year after year, so it's no shock that those same behaviors caused the same result again. And here I am now, seriously overweight and feeling miserable.

This sounds familiar. Haven't we heard this before?

Well, here's a fun fact, while we're talking about this. I have written several different blogs about me losing my way and "finding my way back." But still, I never really turned things around. I just stumbled around for a few days and then started back on the wrong path.

Some might wonder just what is wrong with me? I mean, I know what to do to help with my own physical fitness and health. So why don't I do it?

Fair question. And I really have no single answer. I think a lot of it has to do with my mental health battle. I have shared openly about my struggle with anxiety and depression, and even though I have finally found my way through it, the physical fitness struggle hasn't really turned around. But that changes now.

Why should we believe you, John? Isn't this just another attempt that will last a day or so and then fail?

It might be, yes. It would really suck, but it's certainly possible. And if it happens, I hope that I find the strength to start again. And again. And a hundred times, if that's what it takes. Because it matters. I matter. And I want to live my life as a healthy, active, physically fit person. So I will keep trying even if I fall.

So what's your plan? How are you going to succeed?

I've spent some time looking back over my fitness journey, and I can see that having a solid plan made the difference for me. I am big on charting out specific goals and then tracking them to completion. That's how I lost the weight originally and got down to 180 pounds back in 2010. And that's how I'm going to succeed again.

My plan is simple but, I'm confident, will be successful. It focuses on fueling my body for training, rather than diet and exercise. Healthy food in is the most important part, since we all know you can't out-train a bad diet. I'm tracking my nutrition through my FitBit, and when I track consistently, I eat better and I lose weight. Simple as that.

My plan also includes a long-lost piece, strength training. In fact, later today, my husband is accompanying me to the gym and is going to help me plan out a weight training program for the next month. I'll know exactly what I am supposed to do and how to do it. That's big for me, since my earlier attempts at strength training felt awkward and confusing. I just sort of wandered from machine to machine with no real clue about what to do. This time, though, I'll work from a fully-developed strength training plan.

And, of course, there's running. I'm going back to what worked before. It's a basic plan, but I'll be running a warm-up mile each day that I strength train and then I'll have three run days each week.

So my schedule looks like this:

Mon - 1 mile warm-up run, strength training, 30 mins bike (easy pace)
Tue - 3-5 mile run
Wed - 1 mile warm-up run, strength training, 30 mins bike (easy pace)
Thu - 3-5 mile run
Fri - 1 mile warm-up run, strength training, 30 mins bike (easy pace)
Sat - 5-10 mile long run
Sun - Well earned rest day

It seems like a lot, and it is. But it's something that I know I can do for one month. At that time, I'll reevaluate the program and decide if I need to add more or cut back.

I can do this. I will do this. And I hope that people watching realize that they can do this, too. They can fight their way back no matter where they are now. It's all about starting where you are and doing the right things to get you where you want to be.

#StartAnewSunday

Let's do this!

Some From Column A, Some From Column B. ("Life, Medicated." Part 09)

When last I blogged about this, in early December, things were okay. And they still are, for the most part. But there's change on the horizon and I'm going to share it because that's what I do.

If there's one thing I've learned from my still relatively new journey through the land of psychotropics (those are mind medications, folks), it's that there is no such thing as "fixed."

• Conditions are managed. 
• Medications are balanced. 
• I'm coping.
• Things are handled. 

But we never say, "ok, this is fixed." It's always more of a "good enough for now, let's try this and see what tomorrow brings."

Which brings us to where we are now. It's time to make some changes. I'm currently on two different medications, the Abilify and the Restoril. The dosage for the Restoril seems right, in that it is allowing me to get several hours of uninterrupted sleep each evening. That is really, really helping.

The dosage for the Abilify has been extremely low, and we are now going to bump it up just a bit. It's been helping me soften the edges a bit, so to speak, but there are still some extreme highs and lows that we think would be better off rounded off.

It's a little scary, I'll be honest. Things are working right now and increasing the dosage could adversely impact that. But, this isn't an exact science, and while I feel okay, I think things could be a little better. So I'm willing to follow my doctor's recommendation and see how this change affects me.

Why blog about something as inconsequential as a dosage change? Two reasons. One, because I made a commitment to share all the details of this process to help others understand what it all feels like. And two, a dosage change might seem small but the ripple effects can be significant. It's important that I track all of this as completely as possible.

Thanks for riding along on this journey with me, friends. I don't always know where it's going, but I'm always happy for the company on the way.

Daily Dose Of Good, or, "When Giving Up Isn't Giving Up"

I haven't written anything recently. Or more specifically, I haven't written anything and posted it here at this blog. I've been writing, but I'm concerned with the dark tone of all of my words.

I don't know what's happening with me, exactly. I seem to be caught somewhere between disappointed and disgusted, and I presume that's all a response to what is happening in this country right now.

People aren't talking. We're yelling. We're assuming. We're insulting and ridiculing and attacking. But we aren't talking.

Perhaps this is when writers are needed most, to help bridge the gap between warring factions. Or maybe that's just me being presumptuous and arrogant, acting as if should someone be able to calm the seas that have been raging for generations.

At any rate, I am not feeling comfortable sharing most of what I have been writing recently. Its tone is too dark and, frankly, too pessimistic. And since that isn't how I like to think of myself, I've been working on a counterbalance to that.

Introducing Daily Dose Of Good. It's my way of forcing myself to start the day with a positive thought and a better outlook.

Each day, I share something like these:

It may not seem like much, but at least for a moment, I am thinking of something positive and upbeat. And that may be just enough to keep the darkness at bay.

I'm not sharing my writing, and that can be seen as giving up and giving in to the bad. But I'm sharing these daily posts, so I'm going to look at these as my way not not actually giving up on this world or myself.

I hope you enjoy them and that they bring you a bit of light, too.

A Message for the Resolutionists

Hey, Resolutionists!

We see you. You're the ones who decided to make 2017 the year you finally fill-in-the-blank (lose the weight, start working out, become a runner, finish a 5K, etc). You've spend the first few days of 2017 eating veggies, turning down junk food, and finally bringing your lunch to work instead of going out.

We see you. We see all of you. And truth be told, you're the reason we can't find parking when we go to our gym. You're the reason there's a line of people waiting to use each of the equipment inside. You're the reason folks are standing around hoping to find an unused treadmill. And you're the reason our usually half-empty fitness classes are now overbooked.

Let me be honest here. Statistically, the majority of you will only hang in for a few weeks. A month, tops. You'll backslide on your diet, just a little at first but then a little more each day. Soon enough, you'll be back to your junk food and too-large portions. And another resolution will fall by the wayside.

Or maybe you'll be okay with the nutrition, but you'll be embarrassed at the gym. You'll feel like everyone is staring at you, mocking you in your shiny new workout clothes as you struggle to figure out how to use the machines. Soon enough, you'll just give up because you just feel so damn uncomfortable there.

Well, here's some things you should probably know:

• We were ALL beginners at one point. We all had to find our way, and we made plenty of mistakes of our own.
• Ignore the naysayers. I don't care if this is your first attempt at a healthier lifestyle or your fiftieth, don't listen to people who say you can't do it.
• Those of us who have been here at the gym for a long time are so proud of you for having the courage to begin. We know it isn't easy, and you inspire us.
• Progress is slow, but it will happen. You'll notice little things first, like how your clothes fit a little looser or you feel less winded when you climb a flight of stairs.
• Don't give up. You have to believe that you are worth every bit of effort. Because you are.

Look, I get it. Some people are just critics. They'll complain that too many of you are in their way at the gym and they are tired of the crowds. Too bad for them. Other people in your life will tease and belittle you. They'll be jealous of you and feel the need to knock you back down.

Don't let any of those people come between you and what you really want in this life. If your goals are to be healthier, stronger, and more fit, don't give up.

We're all cheering for you, because we've all been you. We know how it feels to be at the start of a very long road. But here's the good news. You're already on your way. Just keep going!

How To Save A Life.

Year-round but especially during the holidays, some people are desperate and in pain. For some, it's so extreme that they contemplate taking their own life. And being a decent, compassionate human being, you want to prevent that from happening. So here's what you need to know about saving a life:

You can't.

Not what you wanted to hear? Too bad. It's the truth. You can't save someone determined to end their own life. You can't shield them from a weapon of choice nor the opportunity to take action.

That's the reality of the situation. But, not being able to save someone is not the same as not being able to do anything to help.

There are things you can do.

Okay, so maybe you can't prevent a determined person from taking their own life. And that sucks. But you CAN intervene in such a way that you reduce the likelihood the person feels completely abandoned and alone. You can be the reason someone decides to stick around.

It starts with making sure the other person knows you are there for them. There's no reason to be coy or subtle here. Try, "Jane, I know you're hurting, and I want you to know that I am right here when you are ready to talk about what is happening."

Now that you have their attention, try listening to the person in pain. Maybe they want to talk about what is happening with them. Maybe they want to talk about anything but. Either way is fine. Just make sure that the other person understands that they have an ally when they are truly in need.

Rally The Troops

Being a rock for another person can take its own toll. It's tough to be on call 24/7, never knowing what news might be on the other end of your ringing phone. And no matter how much you want to help another person, you have your own life and responsibilities to handle. It can quickly feel like you yourself are drowning in worry and anguish.

That's why you rally the troops early on. If you know someone is in trouble, reach out to their friends and establish a network of support. Again, no need to be subtle here. "Hey guys, I've noticed that Robert is really going through a tough time and I'm worried about him. I need some help supporting him right now."

Be Obvious

There's no need to hide what you are doing from the friend in trouble. "Jane, a few of us know that you are dealing with a lot right now and we are here to help. Tom wants to drop round tomorrow and bring you some lunch, if that's alright." The whole point here is to make sure that Jane knows she isn't alone, that other people care about her, and that people will do whatever they can to help make her days a little less painful.

Maintain Boundaries

Remember, your friend still deserves respect and privacy. They also need to know that they are in charge of what happens in their life. So don't talk around them and don't try to out-maneuver them. You are not saving them, you are helping them see for themselves that they matter and that life is worth living.

It's a fine line to walk, I know. On one hand, you want to fix things. On the other hand, you have to leave someone to sort out their own situation. So find a compromise. Give them space but make sure they know they are not alone.

So Now What?

All of this is fine, but what about real life scenarios? What can a person really do to help someone else?

I start with this. It's my Cover Photo on Facebook.

And I mean it. If someone reaches out to me, I reach back. I make sure they know that someone is available to talk... and more importantly... to listen. I try to put them in touch with professionals or organizations that are better able to assist. And I tell them over and over again that we need them here in our lives and that they still have so much to offer this world.

Life is messy. Sometimes, people want to check out. And you can't save them if they are determined to go. What we can do is help them see the good in this world - friendly faces, strong shoulders, and safe embraces.

And hopefully, that will be enough to help someone see the world in a little brighter light.

A Blaze of Apathy

It's been nearly a month since I posted a blog, and that seems just about right. The joke is that I'm going out in a blaze of apathy. Not cool. And not funny.

I've shared elsewhere that I'm taking some new medications, and although they are great for my mental health, they have not been as kind in other ways. One, the side effects are increased appetite and weight gain. Two, without my edge, I've been feeling somewhat "blah" and not really motivated to do anything.

It's a bit of a trade-off, actually. It's good that I am not experiencing manic or depressed stages. It's really good. Because those tend to get me into trouble. But I am also having to learn to work a little harder to stay motivated and focused on my physical goals. It's just so easy to be "okay" and let it go at that.

But physically, I'm not okay. I'm behind on my running schedule, I'm out of my workout routine, and I'm way off with my eating habits.

Sure, I'm having some good days.

But two days aren't a very strong pattern, are they?

In fact, the only pattern I see is that this is YET another blog from me talking about how poorly I have been doing and about how much I need to get my act together.

So that's a bit discouraging.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to turn this around long-term. But there has to be something, because I'm not happy where I am right now. But apparently, I'm not unhappy enough to take any real action.

Like I said, a blaze of apathy.

Do Something. Anything!

Yesterday, I wrote about the importance of asking for help when you need it. But there's the other side of that. There's helping other people when they need it. So let's talk about that.

What

Helping someone else might involve money, time, or other resources that you have and other people need. It can be as simple as donating to a charitable cause or as complex as offering a service to someone else. It's everything from dropping a friend at the airport to babysitting children to keeping someone company while they sit vigil at a hospital for someone else. It's as easy as giving a buddy a much-needed compliment and as difficult as sharing a hard truth with a close friend.

Where

In the digital age, we can help people next door or half a world away. There's no geographic limitation.

When

There are two elements to the question of "when?" The first is identifying the need, and that is either because a person asks for help or someone else speaks up on their behalf. The second element is the timing of the actual help, itself. It may be urgent or it may be something scheduled and delayed. Either way, though, when help is time-sensitive, it's important that is recognized and respected.

Why

This is a question that only you can answer. In general, helping someone is best done altruistically, truly done for the benefit of someone else. But it can be done in honor of someone else, for example. And the most common reason I help someone else? Because it lets me take my attention of myself and my own problems and resets my bad attitude.

How

This is absolutely the best part, the specifics of helping people.

If a friend asks for help, it's easy. Just do what they ask for if at all possible. If they need a ride, or a reference, or a reminder, give it to them. If they ask to talk through a problem, listen to them. If they are struggling with confidence, help prop them up by reminding them of their strengths.

Even if you can't be there in person, you can make a difference for someone. Send them a personal note, or a card, or a little gift. Text them an encouraging message. Call them and give them a reason to smile.

There are a few other things to keep in mind:

• Be honest. 
• Be direct. 
• Be specific. 
• Be mindful. 
• It should be about them, not you.

And now for a more controversial opinion: Prayers aren't the answer. At least, they can't be the only answer. Prayer isn't helpful if it isn't accompanied by actual help. And that is an opinion supported by the Bible, itself.
___________________

Faith and Works

The Book of James

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

If one of you tells him, “Go in peace; stay warm and well fed,” but does not provide for his physical needs, what good is that? So too, faith by itself, if it is not complemented by action, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith and I have deeds.” Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.
___________________

Helping others is truly one of the grandest things we can do as human beings. We can literally change the path of someone's life with a simple word or action. Who wouldn't want to do that every chance you can?

And I'd like to hear from folks with examples of helping others. Don't be shy or fear that your comments may seem like you are bragging. I'm specifically asking, what have you done and how did it help someone else?

Ask For What You Need.

How do you get what you want and need? Ask for it.

It's that simple... and that complicated. Fortunately, I'm here to help you navigate the process. So let's do this.

Build the Right Circle

It starts with surrounding yourself with friends that you trust. It may only be one good person, but that's enough. Better to have one or a couple of solid people than to have a whole group of people you can't depend on. Maybe it's an old friend. Maybe it's someone you met online and you've developed a real friendship. Maybe it's a co-worker or neighbor and you just clicked. Where the friends come from isn't important. It just matters that you have someone in your life you can turn to when you are in need.

Know What You Want

Recognizing you are in need is one thing, but it also helps to know exactly what you need from someone. Sometimes, you may want a friend to listen while you talk your way through a problem and possible solutions. Other times, you want someone to distract you from whatever is bothering you. or you may just not want to be alone, and all you need from a friend is their company. Any and all of those things are great, but only you know which of them will help you feel better in any given moment.

For me, there are some days when I just need to be around a friend. I would be okay on my own, I know, but I feel like I would be better off spending some time with a trusted buddy. And knowing what I want makes it easier to do something about it.

Speak Up

This part is so important. People aren't mind-readers, and they need to know what you are thinking.

For example, the other evening, I met a friend out for dinner. On the drive over, I brought her up to speed on an issue I've been dealing with for the last couple of months. We hadn't really had a chance to talk in a few weeks, so there was a lot to cover. After, I said, "oh, and you won't believe what happened when I spoke to so-and-so on the phone."

She said, "okay, but this can't be all about you today. I have some big stuff going on and I need to talk with you about it."

I took just a couple minutes to fill her in on what happened in the phone call, and then she had my full attention. And she was right. Her update was a big deal and I understood immediately why she wanted to talk it over with someone. But the big story here is that she didn't sit quietly and resent me for sharing my stories. She didn't brood and feel ignored. She needed help and she asked for it, direct and to the point. And because she spoke up, there was no chance I was going to somehow misunderstand what she needed from me.

Keep Asking

Sometimes, despite your direct request and a friend's best intentions, you won't get what you need from them. It happens. Maybe they just aren't in a place to give you the attention you need. Maybe they don't have the answers. Or maybe they just aren't listening and are clueless that you are in need.

It happens. But that's no reason to stop asking. Check back in with the person and make sure they know what you need. Or ask another friend. Or ask multiple people. "Hey, I'm just feeling down and would like to spend some time catching up with you." Soon enough, you'll get through to someone and they'll get you the support you need.

Acknowledge Others

This part really matters. Accept the help coming your way and make sure your friends feel appreciated. If your buddy comes through for you, drop them a note afterwards and say, "hey, thanks for coming over, I really needed that time with you." Make sure the good people in your life know how you feel about them and how much it means to you to know you can depend on them. Trust me, doing this will help guarantee they are willing to be there the next time you need someone.

Pay It Forward

Pay attention to other people asking for what they want and, whenever possible, help them get it. This is really the best part. As much as you need other people, realize that they need you, two. Be there to listen, to help, and to make a difference.

Look, life can be complicated enough all on its own. If we all would ask for help, appreciate it when it comes, and offer the same to others, we'd be much better off.

This public service announcement is brought to you by me, a man who has received far more help in this life than he could ever possibly return. And I'm thankful for that.

A New Normal. ("Life, Medicated." Part 8)

Two months ago, I wrote for the first time about my decision to take medication for my anxiety and depression. I've always been an open book, but this was an especially personal admission and I wasn't sure how it would be received.

I shouldn't have worried about that at all. People read "Life, Medicated." and the response was immediate. The blog was read and shared more than anything else I've written here and I'm grateful for all the support.

So what's happening now?

I'm doing okay.

And given how dark some of my earlier days were, this is a pretty big statement for me to make. I still have good and bad moods, of course, and that's okay, too. It means I'm human and I'm not overly medicated to the point of emotional numbness.

I'm taking a very small dosage of Abilify, which is a little scary-sounding given that it is a medication used to treat the symptoms of psychotic conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder (manic depression). No one wants to think of themselves as psychotic, right?

But here's the truth. Before I started taking the medication, I was clearly acting out with symptoms of manic-depression. I was running full steam and all over the place for a time, then withdrawing and isolating and suffering through horrible, painful sadness and loneliness. It was a rollercoaster of too much in either direction, and it was taking its toll on me, on my life, and on my friendships.

I am also taking a sleeping pill called Restoril that affects chemicals in the brain that may be unbalanced in people with sleep problems (insomnia). It is used to treat insomnia symptoms, such as trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Restoril works by slowing down the central nervous system (brain), causing drowsiness which helps patients fall asleep.

Initially, I was concerned about the sleeping pills. But after months and months of barely getting two-three hours of sleep per night, I was desperate. A lack of sleep makes everything worse, and I was feeling ragged and totally out of control. Now, getting to sleep AND staying asleep for seven to eight hours allows me to function throughout the day.

Life isn't all roses for me right now, but it's manageable. When I'm happy, I'm good. I enjoy the moments I'm in and I don't feel like I have to somehow "crank it up a notch" to consider it a good time. Conversely, when I'm down, it doesn't feel like the end of the world every time. It's just a bad mood or an appropriate response to something going on at the time, and I know I'll get through it.

I am struggling with motivation right now. I feel a little burnt out from running too many major events the last couple of months and from over-scheduling myself. So I've cut back on that, I'm doing a little hibernating and recovering, and I'm finding new ways to engage with fewer people in more meaningful ways. For now, it's a coping mechanism and it's working. And as the weeks go by, and I feel more recharged, I expect I will be back to my old self and reconnecting on a more frequent basis with friends. For now, they seem to understand that I'm taking care of myself first.

Now let's talk hard truths.

I understand there is still a stigma that surrounds mental health, depression, anxiety, and medications. I can't change that in any way except by sharing my own story of pain and recovery. So I am doing that without shame or embarrassment.

I wasn't okay.
I was getting worse.
I sought help.
I'm doing okay.

I can't think of a more direct way to say that. I was lucky in that the first medication prescribed by my doctor seems to be working, and that I am able to sleep at night and function during the day. If you aren't experiencing that same healthy balance of rest and activity, and you feel out of control and desperate for some peace, I recommend you get help. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your doctor. Maybe counseling will help, maybe it won't. Maybe meds will help, maybe they won't. But for sure, doing nothing means that things will not get better, and they quite likely may even get worse.

Get help. You're worth it.
______________________

EDITED TO ADD:
I don't pretend that my solution will work for everyone. And I know that the medication is not a magic-pill. For me, and me only, I feel that the meds have softened the edges of my immediate "all or nothing" mood, good or bad. And that gives me that extra moment to think about what is happening and react in a way that is more authentic and true. That's what is helping me.

This Is What's Wrong With You.

Nothing.

Nothing is wrong with you. And what would make you click on something like this, anyway? Why would you think some random negative words on the internet apply to you?

None of us is perfect, true. And we each have character and personality traits that others may not like. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with any of us. We're just different.

I know, I know. This sounds so touchy-feely, "we're all special," blah blah blah.

But what if I'm right? What if we ARE each special? And what if the biggest thing wrong with us is our belief that we're not okay just as we are?

My Call-To-Action today:
Take a few moments to think about what is right with me, with my life, and with my circle of friends. Spend time celebrating what is amazing instead of looking for reasons to criticize and attack.

Feel free to join me. I mean, we can all use a little more positive in our day, right?

A Limerick for Monday

A wise man who once thought to wait
At the intersection of Chance and of Fate
Decided instead
To get out of his head
And take action before t'was too late.

He started the day in a fog
On the wheel of life, another cog
Then the thought struck
"Man, what the fuck?
I've more to create than this blog!"

A promise was made then and there
The details so sharp and so clear
"I'll publicly say
I'm writing a play"
Imagine the hurrays and the cheers.

I've done it before, back in time.
"Goodbye, David," written in '99.
It was my first
My best and my worst
And I even delivered some lines.

So enough with "what if" looking back
I've got the power to get me on track
If I want to write
I can't say "I might"
I must proclaim it as fact.

Yes, it's true, I'm a playwright
But "one and done" doesn't sound right
What I need to do
Is write number two
A blend of the dark and of the light.

Friends, take note of this date
And then, of course, patiently wait
Because I commit
A play, I'll write it
The whole thing will be done by Feb 28.

The details are beginning to form
But changes, of course, will be norm
Working title, I'll make,
"A Man's Worst Mistakes"
And with that, it's time to brainstorm

"Unlearn"

Some twist of fate left a child here
The corner of heartbreak and fear
Struck by closed hearts and closed fists
And all of the love you missed

Silent mornings become drunken nights
No one should live with this fright
A child accustomed to this rage
Grows up and wants to turn the page

And I know you still feel all that pain
Emotions they all churn
But with time and reasons to change
I know you can unlearn

Your childhood has finally past
But scars from that will always last
It defines you and sets the pace
A sorrow that you can't erase

You think you're broken, torn apart
No one will ever love your heart
How could you know what lies ahead
Or know who you will be instead

Life is more than what happened before
All grown up, it's your turn
And life has much for you still in store
It's time that you unlearn

So much pain but now you're grown
Standing tall out on your own
Making friends and meeting those
Who draw you in, pull you close

You take a risk and love so deep
Someone who's promise they don't keep
Again the pain, a familiar ache
Lost in the dark of love's heartbreak

I know you feel that you can't trust
It never was earned
Closed and defensive was a must
But you can unlearn

Heartbreaking what you're used to
Days and nights alone
No door knocks, no messages
No ringing telephone

But time comes when you finally see
It feels so good to simply be
A person who feels strong inside
A peaceful soul who walks with pride

And I know you felt you weren't enough
But this life can turn
And I know that change can hurt so much
But you, my friend, can unlearn

So rise from what you used to be
And let the world around you see
That inside is a warrior heart
And you love hard, and deep, and smart

Then spread that message wide and far
At church, at work, a local bar
And let the folks who know you know
The pain stops here, only love will go

Look at you, at who you are
The child shall finally return
To love, to dream, to reach a star,
You truly have unlearned.

"The 22nd."

A boy leaves home, becomes a man.
Stands tall, does proudly what he can.
Serves to defend a greater plan.
But knows nothing of himself.

Days, then weeks, and months again,
Fighting in the desert sand.
Sees things his friends can't understand.
But can't think about himself.

His mind is out beyond the wire.
Thoughts of those caught in the fire.
The innocents in funeral pyres.
Taking pieces of himself.

Then finally, "you're going home,"
A place that he no longer knows.
Cannot tell a friend from foes.
No longer knows himself.

Long days become longer nights,
Eyes closed but still engaged in fights,
Shadows that don't fade with lights,
A stranger to himself.

That's when the voices come to call.
"Fuck this pain, just end it all."
A hero now becomes so small
He cannot see himself.

A bottle, a gun, a quiet descent,
Hopeless, broken, fully spent.
Too numb to fight, to cry, to vent,
An ending for himself.

How many more will we watch go?
Or worse, backs turned, not even know?
Heroes once, now broken souls,
Nothing left of themselves?

Enough has got to be enough.
The toughest can't always be tough.
And finding words might be rough,
But we owe it to ourselves.

Because we need each one of them.
We need them whole and home again.
So let today be the day when
We truly offer help.

There's so much that we each can do.
Reach out and offer a piece of you.
To one, or two, perhaps a few.
Give them part of yourself.

They may recoil, they may resist.
But steady on, you watch their six.
There is no quick or easy fix,
But trust they'll find themselves.

And when they do, and they stand tall,
When thankful that you heard their call.
When words won't come to them at all,
Know that you've saved yourself.

"I'm Broken."

I'm broken.

It's three am, a pitch black room,

And not a single thought.

It's so much pain and emptiness.

It's everything... and not.

I'm broken.

Hard to hear when said aloud,

Harder to believe.

Harder still to own these words

And wear them on my sleeve.

I'm broken.

It's not like in the movies,

A public spectacle.

It's more a quiet stepping back.

A silence and a lull.

I'm broken.

It's all the fear that follows me,

A past that won't let go.

It's shame for wrongs that still go on.

The me that no one knows.

I'm broken.

Maybe you don't see it,

Or do but look away.

Maybe you are damaged, too,

And don't know what to say.

I'm broken.

It's every day, the struggle,

The battle waged within.

Not wanting this, not wanting that,

But showing up again.

I'm broken.

It's therapy, it's "talk it out,"

It's "learn to let it go."

It's medication, numb myself,

And no one has to know.

I'm broken.

And then there are the moments,

When heart and mind connect.

The friends, the times, the feelings,

So good, it feels perfect.

I'm broken.

It's looking back at fifty years,

And all has come to this.

A broken man, who alternates,

Between despair and bliss.

I'm broken.

But awesome is as awesome does,

And I continue on.

It's six am and still it's dark,

And always comes the dawn.

Some Days Just Suck.

Went to Vegas with the From Fat To Finish Line tribe. Had a lot of fun hanging out with the team. Then I ran/walked a cough-filled 5k.

And the good went to bad.

Woke up Sunday morning coughing and congested. Never felt better despite resting all morning, so opted to not run the half-marathon. And that sucked, watching everyone else run and not being able to join them. I was proud of all of them for crossing the finish line, but I'll admit it felt crappy to not be out there with them.

Got home on Monday, saw a doctor on Tuesday, and I'm now assigned to bedrest until tomorrow morning at the earliest. Apparently, running a full marathon, two half marathons, and a 200-mile relay race in just over a month is considered "pushing the limits" of what my body can handle. And now I'm paying the price.

Cue the blues.

I feel like crap. Instead of basking in the glow of a wonderful weekend with amazing people, I'm wallowing in a terrible mood of failure and sickness.

So, yeah, some days just suck. But at least I'm honest. I trust tomorrow will be better, but my expectations for today are going to stay right here at the bottom rung.

Back To The Future, America.

It happened. America elected a thrice-married, four-times bankrupted, repeatedly failed businessman to the highest office in the land. And it happened with the full support of evangelicals, white supremacists, and suburban women.

Congratulations, America. You did what no one thought possible. You took America back to the 1950's. And now, we have to figure out where to go from here.

I'll be honest. The thought of a Trump Presidency, a Republican led House and Senate, and a conservative Supreme Court is just too much to deal with right now.

Marriage equality. Women's reproductive health rights. Immigration. Equitable tax laws. Environmental protections. Religious freedom (and freedom FROM religion). All of these will likely suffer under a self-proclaimed "business first" President.

And me? I'm done. I'm almost fifty years old and tired of fighting the same battles. 

This is what you wanted, America, so this is what you get. You wanted a politically inexperienced leader and a gaggle of sycophants around him, so well done. That's what you have now. Where it goes from here is anyone's guess, but it certainly won't be good for progressives.

As much as it pains me to say this, I give up. I'm through trying to be a voice of reason. I'm through explaining to those who seem completely unaware of what life is like for a non-Christian, non-white, non-straight person in a nation of religious extremists.

"Gays are destroying America."

"Homosexuals are worse than terrorists."

"Atheists should be hung from a cross and crucified like Jesus was."

"Go back to Africa, niggers."

So this is the country the majority of people wanted, where racism, sexism, and homophobia are casually accepted and supported. I mean, the KKK is absolutely celebrating the election results. And you are the company you keep.

Honestly, at this point, there is nothing more for me to do. It doesn't matter. So I'm going to back away from politics completely. Because what has happened in this country makes me feel like my fellow Americans hate me and those like me. And what's a guy supposed to do when he feels like that?

My actions from here on out are simple. Protect my home. Protect my husband. Protect our friends. And protect my tribe. I'm armed and I'm fully prepared to do whatever it takes to keep those I love safe.

Welcome to America in 2016. Where even the most optimistic of us have moved from "make the world a better place" to "I'll protect mine and the rest of you are on your own."

The Increasingly Selfish World of Me, Me, Me. ("Life, Medicated." Part 7)

I already know this is going to be a tough piece to write, because it's only worth writing if I'm completely honest. So let's do this.

Sometimes, I am a really crappy friend. I am oblivious to what's going on around me, and I act like the only things that matter are whatever is happening with me at the time.

There. I said it. And it's true.

What I don't know is how much of this is because of my anxiety and depression and how much is just because I can be an asshole.

That part really stinks. Because I honestly don't know.

No, John. You're such a good guy. Look at all the people you help with your fundraising and community activities.

Yes, that's true. But one doesn't negate the other. I can do the big things and still fail to do the small things. And those small things matter.

For example, a friend of mine recently took a long driving trip. She visited a few states, lots of people, and had quite the adventure. But it was while I was sorting through all of my no-sleep drama and I was mostly oblivious to her travels. Worse, when she returned, I didn't take the time to pull her aside, look her in the eye, and ask, "so, how was the vacation trip?"

Sure, we chatted a bit about it. But looking back, I feel like I really just glossed over it. I didn't press her to share details, say what was great and fun, and tell me all about it. And that's not cool. As a friend, I should want to hear all of that. And I do. I just don't think to ask sometimes, at least not in the moment. Instead, at 3am, I wake up thinking, "well, that was rude."

There are plenty of other examples. I was just asked by a friend if we wanted to join them for a movie. I thought it would be fun, but I needed to check with my husband to see if he felt up to it. But by the time I got back into the house and spent some time talking with him and our house guest, I completely forgot that I was supposed to text the friend back and confirm yes/no for the movie. She had to message me again asking about it.

Rude.

Am I just a bad friend? Is my depression and anxiety impacting my memory and awareness? Are the meds affecting me?

Here's the really suck part. I have no idea.

And I don't know exactly what to do about it to make things better.

I need people. And when I want to be around them, I really, really want to be around them. Other times, it's like a switch is flipped and I just really want to be alone. In those moments, I don't care about other people or what is going on with them.

Again... rude.

I suppose, like everything else I am dealing with right now, I will just handle this one person, one moment, one interaction at a time. I'll be honest with friends and make sure they know what is happening with me and why I may not be at my best right now.

Mostly, though, I need to make more of an effort to acknowledge other people and remember that they have an entire life of their own. They are also worried about things, happy about others, and interested in talking about themselves to someone who is actually listening.

I can handle this. It's just one more thing I need to do, right?

*sigh*

Lose Some, Win Some.

If I've learned anything about running, it's that it is always a little unpredictable. And that keeps it interesting.

But every now and then, "unpredictable" means that I'm going to have a crappy run. Maybe it's the weather, or my feet, or my legs, or the road, or any of a dozen other things. But it's a crappy run, for sure.

That was my Friday.

Not sure why, but when I started running, my legs felt awkward and clunky. I tried to run, then to jog, and ultimately to walk, but nothing felt smooth and comfortable. I just couldn't get into a groove.

Fortunately, I was running at the gym on the treadmill, so I had other options. I slogged through a mile, then I moved to the bike for four miles and the elliptical for another single mile. I was happy that I didn't give up, though, and that I stuck with the workout.

Contrast that with today. I started out with the same awkward feeling, but soon enough I found my rhythm. The run felt so good that I decided to keep going at the 5K mark and ran a total of 5 miles, instead.

Running. It doesn't always work like you think it should. But that's no reason to quit. Because when it's good, it's really good.

5 miles and lots of sweat later