The Long Road to Long Beach (Marathon Recap)

After nearly three months of preparation and training, the Long Beach Marathon - my Marathon Number Eight - is now just a memory. My training was not great but it was definitely better than my training for the San Diego Rock 'n Roll Marathon, so I consider the whole experience an improvement.

Hello, Dexter

The event was in Long Beach, which is at least a ninety-minute drive from my home in San Diego. With such an early start time, I decided it made sense to stay overnight before the race. Hotels in that area are costly and often unavailable the night before a major event, so I opted for AirBnb, instead. Good call. For $80, I found a private room in a beautiful home only a few miles from the start/finish line and two blocks away from the 12-mile mark on the course. That meant a good night sleep before the race instead of having to drive all the way up from San Diego.

The house was also featured throughout Season 8 of Dexter, which is kind of cool. The host was super friendly, too, which reinforces the idea of AirBnb instead of hotels whenever possible.

Pack Carefully

The night before a race is always a little stressful. I have more gear than I can possibly carry or use, but I do like to have options. I opted to carry a few things with me at the start and pick up extras (like my water bottle and sunscreen) from my husband when I saw him at Mile 11/12. 

The Start Line

It's always emotional for me at the start line. I was alone with my own thoughts this time, so it was an opportunity to really think about all the choices I had made that led me to that moment. From a guy sitting on the couch to a man about to run a marathon, it has been quite a journey. 

After crying my way through the National Anthem, we were off.

What A View

The Long Beach course was overall not the prettiest, but parts of it were spectacular. I really enjoyed the sunrise shining down on the water and the Queen Mary. It was so gorgeous, I stopped for several pictures and didn't care one bit about how much time it was taking me. Always notice the scenery, folks.

On Pace

After running a seven-hour marathon in San Diego, I set a goal for myself of 6:30 for Long Beach. I knew that sub-15:00 miles were easy enough to maintain and that would bring me in right around my goal time. My second 5K was actually faster than my first and I still felt strong after hitting ten miles. But me being me, that was all about to change.

Don't Talk To Strangers

Maybe I need to add Rick Springfield's song to my running playlist, because talking to strangers seems to be impacting my finish times. (I tease, I tease. I will always talk to people on the course. That's half the fun of entering a race.) 

I met a man named Rich while we were still finishing our run along the water's edge. He was a friendly guy, running by himself, and we struck up an easy conversation as we ran/walked. Turns out he is normally a sub-four hour marathoner, but he was not prepared with his training for Long Beach and he was paying the price. I opted to slow down a bit to stay with him, since he seemed to be struggling and hadn't yet fully committed to sticking with it and finishing. What can I say? I'm a sucker for helping other people.

Meeting Ric

This race was unusual in that my husband had come along. I expected he would be meeting me near Mile 11/12, and that's right where he was. Seeing him gave me such a boost of energy and momentum just when I needed it the most. I introduced him to Rich and explained that we were going to run the rest together, and he wished us well and sent us back out on our way.

The Long Miles

If you have never run a marathon, let me tell you about the "back miles." They are the ones that you have to run after the half-marathoners have peeled off for their own course. They are miles 14-19, where you have been running for a long time but still have so, so much to still run.

I felt pretty good on these miles, but candidly, Rich was really having a tough time. His body did not want to be out there, and he was physically sick a few times. But he dug deep and refused to quit, so I just kept pulling him along. And by the time we cleared the Cal State University Long Beach campus and hit Mile 20, he was finally convinced that he was going to finish.

No Regrets

I crossed the finish line with an official time of 7:20:XX. It was much slower than I thought I would be, but I am absolutely proud of the race I ran. I could have left Rich and stuck with my original race plan, but that wasn't the point of being out there. I was supposed to catch up to Rich and make sure he finished, and that's what I did. There will be other marathons for me to improve on my last time.

Fun Fact: When we took off at the start line, a Jet Blue Airlines (the marathon sponsor) jet was taking off from Long Beach to La Guardia. The challenge to each runner was, "beat the jet." The scheduled time was 6:20:00, so most people felt confident they would finish before the plane landed. But the unexpected twist was the phrase, "if you can't beat the jet, join it." Several of us that finished AFTER the jet landed were rewarded with a free, round-trip ticket anywhere Jet Blue flies non-stop from Long Beach. Yep, I won a ticket to New York just because I chose to stick with a slower runner.

Who's awesome now? This guy. 

6,000 Members. Seriously. 6,000.

Before the day is over, I expect we are going to hit 6,000 members in our From Fat To Finish Line Facebook group.

Six thousand people in one group. That's a lot of folks, to be sure. But thanks to my teammate, Linda, we have a way to visualize just how many people that is.

This is our team of twelve people featured in the documentary From Fat To Finish Line, captured at the finish line of the Ragnar Florida Keys:

From the original twelve, our group began to grow as fans became friends, friends became teammates, and we all became a tribe.

This represents what our group looked like when we were sixty people:

And then six hundred:

And now, in the next few hours, we'll be at six thousand members. And it will look like this:

 

Thank you to everyone who has made our original group and our passion project become a movement that continues to grow every single day. We are all so grateful to be part of the ever-expanding tribe of people going From Fat To Finish Line.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
~ Margaret Mead

Talk Is Cheap. ("Life, Medicated." Part 4)

Status Report

It's been nearly two weeks that I've been taking my medication, and I really don't have an opinion as to how well it's going. On one hand, I feel fine, I suppose. On the other, I've still been dealing with mood swings. Is it because the medicine is still building up? Maybe. Is it because medication only takes the high and low edges off but I still have to deal with the emotions in the middle? Maybe. Time will tell, I suppose.

All the basics are still the same. I'm committed to taking medication to help me deal with the anxiety and the depression that have done their best to take me out. I don't want to spend so much time and energy battling emotional extremes. So yeah, I'm in this.

Drugs Aren't Enough

Even assuming my doctor hit a home run on the first pitch and managed to prescribe (a) the right drug in (b) the right dosage without (c) any complementary medications, I know that the medicine itself isn't a cure-all. It's just a helping hand to get me in a better head space. What I do in that space is a different challenge.

Not at all the kind of therapy I get, but how cool would this be?

Enter William K. He's a licensed therapist that I have decided to see on a regular basis. I first met him more than a year ago, when I decided that I would benefit from having an objective person to talk to about all of the trauma and drama that was happening in my life. He really helped me at the time, and he gave me some very specific advice as to how I could be more mindful in my thinking and in my healing.

Anyway, after I saw him a couple of times in June 2015, I felt "cured" and didn't make any follow-up appointments... until late October 2015 after the man I pulled from a burning car ended up dying at the hospital a few weeks later. William was a great sounding board and, once again, helped me pull myself back together. So it only makes sense that I start seeing him again now.

Talk Really Is Cheap

I mean that in the best way possible. Because my husband is a Kaiser employee, we have no insurance premiums and no deductibles. We each only pay a $5.00 cost sharing payment for any medical treatment we receive. Doctor visit? $5. Surgery? $5. And yes, mental health counseling sessions? $5. So I can't use money as an excuse to not go to counseling.

For anyone wondering, yes, I absolutely know how fortunate we are to have this benefit. Many people are unable to afford mental health treatment, or their plan doesn't cover it at all. I think it should be more affordable for everyone, because who wouldn't benefit from a chance to talk openly and privately with a great listener?

What's The Plan?

Whenever I see William K, he always makes it a point to send me away with a very specific list of to-do items. (He knows I'm a list person.) In the past, he has challenged me to spend time in pursuit of silence and solitude and to focus on the reality of what happened instead of dragging myself through the wringer playing "oh, you know what else even worse could have happened?!" games.

The plan now is for me to be more compassionate towards myself, so I guess that means no more attacking myself for being a jackass and forgetting my medication. He also wants me to be mindful of the moments I'm in, the good moments, instead of always jumping ahead to to the stressful things I have coming up. And finally, he wants me to try to stay in a positive headspace about the many great things going on in my life right now. Apparently, I have developed a bit of a callous around a few really amazing things and have been taking them for granted.

Medication is only a piece of the puzzle. Awareness of my own mental state is another. And counseling sessions - honest and candid - are another. I'm taking the first, I'm working on the second, and I've committed to the third.

I can do this.

______________________________________________________________________

If you're just catching up, here's what you missed earlier on "Life, Medicated":

"I am tired of being tired. I need help. It's time to talk to the doctor about medication." (Part 1)

"Okay, so I have meds and I'm taking them. Should I feel something, yet?" (Part 2)

"Oh, crap. I already forgot to take my pill." (Part 3)

Well, That Was Fast. ("Life, Medicated." Part 3)

Previously on "Life, Medicated":

"I am tired of being tired. I need help. It's time to talk to the doctor about medication."

"Okay, so I have meds and I'm taking them. Should I feel something, yet?"

Yeah, actually, that's about all you've missed so far. But here's where it starts to get good... or messy. Not sure which way this is going to go, yet.

That Was Fast

It didn't take long for me to screw up. Yesterday was only Day 10 and I already forgot to take my pill. Because it's new, I really don't know what the impact might be of missing or delaying a dose. My doctor said it was important to establish a routine with the medication, but she didn't say it was critical. Still, no matter, my takeaway was that I had already found a way to screw things up.

I was nearly at work twenty-five miles away when I realized I missed it, and there was no way I was going to fight morning traffic in both directions just to get back home for it. I tried a couple of different ways to get the pill (have a friend who was already driving up swing by the house first, get the doctor to call in a single-dose prescription at the pharmacy across from my office, etc), but in the end, I opted to just wait until I got home late afternoon to take the pill. And I appear to have survived with my faculties intact.

Hello, Emotions

I was driving to work and decided it would be a good time to call and talk with my Mother. I know that she's been worried about me and I wanted to give her an update. As I was playing the conversation ahead in my mind, and thinking about saying, "I'm now taking the meds," I realized that I had forgotten my pill. So instead of calling and talking with her, I started churning on the impact of my mistake.

Right away, I slipped into "you're an idiot" mode. I couldn't just go with, "it's still new and you're going to forget sometimes, so let's find a way to remind you until it becomes a habit." Nope. I went the self-criticism route. And why not? Once I start down that path, I want to go as far as possible. I bottomed-out at, "fuck, I hate this so much." That's when I could feel myself close to tears and realized I was truly losing it.

I switched to problem-solver mode and starting making the calls for help. Ultimately, they didn't work, but taking an action helped me shift from attacking myself to attacking the problem. And that's a lesson I need to revisit soon.

Failure or Fear

From the vantage point of hindsight, I have a better idea of what was happening. I was beating myself up over my failure, and that was definitely a part of it. But more than that, I was afraid of the potential consequences of missing my medication. It wasn't really a rational response, but all of this is new to me. My only experience with anything even close to it is giving my dog, Ruthie, pills twice a day to prevent seizures. Our Vet has made it crystal-clear to us that we are NOT to miss a dose. She said, "she is stable now and has been seizure-free for more than a year, but missing her pills even once could result in a massive, life-threatening seizure." Is that true? Well, I trust my Vet. And if it isn't true, maybe she just says it so we respect the importance of the medications.

Either way, I was playing that in the back of my mind. I forgot my pill and I had no idea what that might mean. Was it no big deal? Or was I going to have a debilitating headache or feel out of control?

Yeah, I know. Drama queen, much? In the end, a phone call to my doctor let me know that I was okay taking the pill as soon as I got home. And that put an end to the fear.

The Big Moment

My big takeaway from this experience may seem obvious to everyone else, but it somehow slipped by me.

I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

Sure, maybe medication is a temporary thing to help me get back on track. But since I'm dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life, I'm thinking that is unlikely. I'll probably have to take medication in some dose for the rest of my life. And that means having to remember each day to take them. So now my desire to be mentally healthy is going to insert itself into every morning of mine.

And that has to be okay. If living a long and happy life means doing it with meds, fine. I'm still in. Because I need this.

So the story continues...

This is me, this morning, looking oh so glamorous in
a bathrobe with bed-head. So what? I'm still awesome.

The Power of Words

To Full or Not To Full?

In less than eight days, I will be standing at the start line for the Long Beach Marathon. And honestly, right this moment, I can't say if I will be running the full or the half marathon.

A Little History

In 2012, I started a marathon training program that I called Project One Five. Over one hundred days, five tasks each day, I trained to run the Pasadena Marathon. And I was successful. I ran my fastest marathon ever - 4:40 - even taking twenty minutes off of my previous PR. It was a good program and a great performance.

By comparison, I didn't train at all for the 2016 Rock 'n Roll San Diego Marathon. I had an amazing race day experience because of my race companions, but it wasn't a very impressive running performance. The course limit was seven hours and I used nearly every minute of that.

I've run seven marathons so far: 2011 Marine Corps, 2012 Pasadena, 2012 Hercules, 2013 Carlsbad, 2013 Marine Corps, and 2016 Rock 'n Roll San Diego. I know what it takes to finish them. More importantly, I know what it takes to be ready to even start them.

Run The Half Marathon

There are so many good reasons to run the half. I have trained, yes, but not as consistently as I could have. My longest run was seventeen miles, which is enough to know I can finish the full distance but not enough to make me feel comfortable that I'm ready. If I switch to the half marathon, I know I can deliver a solid performance and finish strong.

I also have more events ahead. One week after Long Beach, I am running the Road Runner Sports Craft Classic Phoenix Half Marathon. That is an event with my From Fat To Finish Line team, and it's important to me that I am ready to run another distance event right after. Run the half in Long Beach and I'm more likely to run strong in Phoenix.

There have been some crazy life distractions that have sidelined my training. They aren't excuses, just real-world things that have demanded more of my attention. My husband's fall and concussion meant trips to the hospital/doctor and watching over him, of course, but that took time away from long runs. Starting a job nearly thirty miles from my home took time away. And my own personal drama with depression and anxiety didn't exactly make me want to leave my home, let alone go for a double-digit run.

Most importantly, I have nothing to prove with this marathon. I'm not running it with anyone. I'm not running it for a personal record. And while it is the first in a series of three events in the Beach Cities Challenge, a half marathon qualifies just as well as a marathon. Running either is considered completing the event.

Obviously, running the half marathon is the only choice that makes sense.

Run The Marathon

And yet, there are so many good reasons to run the full marathon. Even with no training, I finished the San Diego marathon in June. I'm more trained now, which means there is no chance I don't finish Long Beach. I signed up for it, I've (kind of) trained for it, and I should run it.

I also owe it to my running coach to give this my very best effort. Dropping down to the half sends a message to him that perhaps I am not the runner he thinks I am. Or worse, maybe I just don't have the commitment that I claim to have.

Why else should I run the full distance? Because maybe... just maybe... I am looking at the half because I'm being lazy. Why go 26.2 when I can run 13.1 and people will still write nice things on my Instagram and Facebook posts? Have I really been taking all the compliments ("Wow, you are running a full marathon?! That's amazing!") without really intending to run it all?

The answer seems obvious. If I can run the full marathon - and we all know I can - then I have an obligation to myself, my coach, and everyone who has ever cheered me on to get out there, suck it up, and do all 26.2.

The Verdict

I'm not a quitter. I'm not sandbagging. And I will push myself as far as I can as long as I can until I can't go any further.

I'm running the full marathon. Let's do this.

The Waiting Game ("Life, Medicated." Part II)

After you tell the world that you're starting medication for depression and anxiety, and nearly two thousand people read all about it, what do you do for an encore? 

Simple. You keep telling the truth. Welcome to the next chapter in my new story, "Life, Medicated."

The Waiting Game

As promised, I met with my doctor last week and we talked medications. I had a lot of questions for her about her choice of meds, the recommended dosage, potential side effects, and what to expect as the drug began to work. She patiently listened to my concerns and addressed them directly and clearly. And we worked out a plan to move forward.

So here I am a week later, taking a daily pill as prescribed. It's too early to really tell if the meds are working, but just taking them has given me something that has been missing for as long as I can remember: hope that the chaos and stress in my head might start to ease.

Interestingly enough, the biggest indicator that the meds are working won't be what happens. It will be what doesn't happen. I'll know I'm on the right track when I can process the ups and downs of my day without kicking in to high gear or dropping in to low mode. I should still be able to feel happy about good stuff and concerned about bad things, but I don't have to feel all the things and do all the things all at once.

A Cautionary Note

Medication for anxiety and/or depression isn't a miracle cure-all. It will help, sure, but it's only one piece of a bigger puzzle. It's not unlike taking medication for high-blood pressure. It will help you, but you also need to eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly. Drugs alone aren't the fix.

That's where I am. I am taking the medication as prescribed, and I will continue to do so. But I am also scheduled to meet with my therapist and to follow-up with my doctor. In addition, I'm changing behaviors that were more likely to take me to dark places. I'm being more candid with friends. I'm asking for help when I need it. And I'm making it a point to surround myself with good, strong, loving people.

I have a responsibility to myself to do everything I can to get and stay mentally healthy. And I'm going to do that. My very life is riding on that. And I kind of like my life, actually. There's a lot of really good things happening.

Why So Public?

I'm a pretty open person, sharing a lot of myself across social media. I've always been like that, living a life on the skyline with everyone watching. I was an early target/victim/survivor of an anti-gay witch hunt in the Marine Corps and lived to tell the tale everywhere from my local Public Television station and newspaper to a multi-day story in the New York Daily News. My wedding photo was published in the New York Times. I'm in a documentary film about weight loss and running. And I've been a blogger for more than a decade.

In other words, my life has always been open to the public. And sharing personal and painful things is tough, but the rewards far outweigh the loss of privacy. When I blogged about my sexual assault and survival, I received thousands of private messages thanking me for sharing openly what others still felt the need to hide. And not surprisingly, my post last week about seeking out mental health care and medication generated many private messages itself.

I don't share all of that above to brag about myself. I share it to illustrate that I am used to being out in the open and living my life out loud. And the support and encouragement I receive makes it all worth it. But not everyone is in my position, and I feel an obligation to be a public face of what is a very personal struggle. Every part of my struggle that I share is a chance to speak for so many who are still unable to speak for themselves. And I take that obligation very seriously.

If you were one of those people who messaged, texted, or emailed, know this. I am so grateful for your support and I am committed to being open and upfront about this entire journey to health. I'm worth it. You're worth it. And we'll all make it if we just trust in each other and get the help we need.

I'm Still Here

One thing more I need to say. In last week's blog, I was painfully candid about my own sadness and my suicidal thoughts. That scared many of you, and I am sorry for that. But I'm not sorry I was honest. And now, I want to add to those thoughts from last week.

Yes, I have been overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts. I've felt so sad and broken that I thought I would literally just stop existing. But I'm still here. Nothing in my past was strong enough to truly break me. And now that I am releasing a lifetime of guilt and shame over my mental health struggles, I am even stronger.

I'm not going anywhere, friends. I have so much to do in this life that another hundred years won't be time enough. Thank you for worrying and thank you for caring. I'm still here.

"I'm Still Here"

Mindy McCready

I'm okay, I'm alright

Hurricanes and train wrecks only last one night

Would you believe all I've been through?

Had the hands of tempted fate, oh, if you only knew

What it costs, how I wait, what I got, what I gave

I'm still here, after the heartache

After the storm blew through, I kept me and it saved me

I'm still standin' right where you left me

On a cold dark cloud with nowhere to fall but down

Like a single, naked, unrelenting tear, I'm still here

There was darkness all around me

There were times that I was sure I was drowning

There were people, who tried to reach me

But no matter how they loved me, I kept sinking

I got tired of my own hell, I reached inside and I saved myself

I'm still here, after the heartache

After the storm blew through, I kept me and it saved me

I'm still standin' right where you left me

On a cold dark cloud with nowhere to fall but down

Like a single, naked, unrelenting tear, I'm still here

This time I can survive

I ain't dying on nobody else's cross

I ain't sufferin' no more unforgivin' loss, oh, no

I'm still here, after the heartache

After the storm blew through, I kept me and it saved me

I'm still standin' right where you left me

On a cold dark cloud with nowhere to fall but down

Like a single, naked, unrelenting tear, I'm still here, I'm still here

End On A High Note

I got my hair cut yesterday and now it's all standing up. It's got me feeling like this cat, Johnny Bravo. I don't have that body, but a little more gel and I'd totally have this hairstyle.

Johnny Bravo meets Captain Awesome.

I can dig it.

"Life, Medicated."

Less than five hours from now, I will take a significant step in my lifelong mental health battle. And it's just like me to do so with this very public announcement to the world:

"I am taking my doctor's advice and trying medication for anxiety and depression."

There. I said it. And once I post this blog, there's no taking it back. And I'm okay with that. Because I've tried most everything else and it hasn't worked.
_____________________

I've struggled with anxiety and depression all of my life. I've denied it. I've drank myself through it. I've made terrible decisions and life-threatening choices while pretending I wasn't feeling it. And I've spent far too many 3AM's alone with sad songs and a battered soul. I've put myself through so much pain, ironically in an effort to make the existing pain go away.

It doesn't. Not for long, at least. And when it comes back, it doesn't just creep in. It returns with a roar and a vengeance that threatens to take me down completely.

(As I'm writing this, I imagine that people reading it will fall into two camps. One group will understand the words but not really get what I'm describing. The other group, though, will nod along and think, "fuck, that's totally me, too.")

For those who aren't quite getting it, I'll be even more direct. No matter what I am projecting on the outside, no matter the jokes I make or the laughs I share, there is always a voice inside reminding me that these people don't really care if you're here, they'd rather talk with each other than with you, and it doesn't matter anyway because you'll soon be home, by yourself, sitting in the dark and feeling like you are absolutely, completely alone.

Pretty screwed up, right? I mean, cognitively, I know that's not true. My heart knows that I have amazing people in my life who would do anything to make me happy. But it's not my heart that is the problem. It's the insecurities and irrational thoughts that drag me under. And no amount of Facebook "likes" can keep me afloat.

And it's not just imaginary scenarios. Real life plays its part, too. When bad things happen, it's not enough for me to process the reality of the situation. I feel the need to magnify and amplify the pain, like what is already there isn't bad enough.

When we lost our Marine to suicide, it broke my heart. But instead of grieving for the life we lost, I began to obsess about what to do to keep it from happening again. I became consumed with the fear that saying the wrong thing, or not saying the right thing, or not being there for someone in need... any of these would lead another Marine to take their life, and I'd live the rest of my life knowing that I had failed. Again. How screwed up is that sort of thinking, to take an already tragic moment and turn it into a weapon to beat myself up with?

And so much more pain followed. Other suicidal friends. Rescuing a stranger and losing them to their injuries. Another stranger choosing to end his own life by stepping in the path of an oncoming car. A friend falling to his death in a horrible climbing accident. So much pain and loss, with no end in sight. Each of these events were awful, but the combined wave of sadness was too much.

So my outward appearance became more forced and my anxiety and depression became more severe. But I still acted as if I could just make myself feel better. Go places. Drink more. Laugh louder. Have fun. For fuck sake, John, have fun. Hey everyone, look at me and the fun I am having. Life is awesome, isn't it?!

All the while, my life was steady falling apart. Many of you noticed and tried to help, but I wasn't willing to let you. I just said, "I'm good now, thanks," and went on about my day. I did go for counseling, which was a huge thing. I saw a counselor several times and he was able to help me as much as anyone could. He gave me suggestions for handling the dark moments and, for the most part, they've been effective. I mean, I'm still here, right? But there was also the recommendation that I add medication to my treatment plan. And I said no.

But here I am now. And I'm ready to say yes.

What changed my mind? A painful, tearful conversation with my husband. Listening to myself talk, saying things like, "I'm just done with this, all of this. I'm so fucking tired and I just don't care, anymore."

Yeah, that will set off alarms. Because I know that's not me. That isn't the person I really am. That's the messed up brain chemistry telling me lies. It's telling me that life is too difficult to endure and death is a solution. It's telling me that the joy I experience is a bandaid, that reality is nothing but pain and disappointment.

How fucked up is that?

Fortunately, I know better. In my rational moments, I know better. I may not feel okay right now but I believe that I can feel okay. I know that life can be filled with authentic happiness and joy. The good times in life are the tonic that carry us through the bad times. And as my husband so eloquently put it, "love is the point."

I matter.
I am loved.
And people need me to stay.

So, today marks the next chapter in the journey. I meet with my doctor this morning and I've decided that I am going to have the prescription filled. I don't know if I will be on medication for a few months, a few years, or even the rest of my life. And right now, I don't care. I'm going to focus on the here and now.

And like all the other good and bad things in my life, I'm going to share this experience with any of you that are willing to read along. Because there should be no shame in getting help. No shame in taking necessary medication. And no shame in admitting, "I'm in pain."

Not everyone is comfortable sharing something like this with the world. I'm not all that comfortable with anything about this myself. But I know how important it has been to me to know that I was not alone in times of struggle. Seeing other people going through what I was going through helped me believe that things would get better. If they can do this, I can do this.

I need help. And I'm going to get it. And if you are in the same situation, I am begging you, please reach out to someone. Find the help you need. Because there is no honor in suffering in silence and no reward for standing alone.

Happiness is the goal. But I'll start with my own survival.

Gravedancing Without Apologies.

Phyllis Schlafly is dead. And I'm glad.

There. I said it. No half-measures, no hiding behind subtlety. No pretending there's a moral high road.

If you don't know who she was, then you don't know know the damage she did. And you won't understand why I'm glad that she is no longer able to damage this country with her bigotry. But any woman who was ever raped by her husband and expected to just accept that it is part of marriage should feel free to spit in her general direction. Any gay man or woman who grew up feeling like their very existence was someone an affront to creation is invited to celebrate the end of her miserable life.

Brutal, you think? You have no idea what brutality looks or feels like.

Because this isn't about just one person. It's not about political or social disagreements. And it's most certainly not about rising above the anger and offering forgiveness.

Schlafly is dead. And that's fine with me. But she's not the only grave I intend to dance upon. There are many others. And I offer no apologies. Because some people live their life in such a way that the only appropriate response after they die is to ring the bells and cheer.

First, despite the self-righteous claims of some on the political Right, gravedancing is not the exclusive playground of the Left. Need I remind everyone of the hateful cheers in response to Jimmy Carter's announcement that he had brain cancer? Does "#ACancerHasCancer" ring a bell?

Second, celebrating the death of a terrible person is nothing new. And it's certainly not a defining action by any one side of the political aisle. When Osama Bin Ladin was killed by Navy Seals in 2011, Americans poured into the streets in a spontaneous display of happiness and satisfaction. We not only danced on his grave, we turned his death into a patriotic and joyful parade from coast to coast.

When he died, I don't remember being chastised for my joy. I don't remember being told that celebrating someone's death was somehow macabre or hateful. And I definitely don't remember anyone thinking I was darkening my own soul by rejoicing in the loss of another.

Clearly, it's okay to celebrate SOME deaths. It isn't a question of IF, it's a question of WHO. So what defines a person as so horrible that it's okay to be glad they have died? Where is that line between an appropriate response and a hateful celebration?

To understand my response to the death of someone like Schlafly, or Fred Phelps, or Jerry Falwell, you have to first understand the impact of their lives. Each of these people, and so many others, made their lives more about the people they hated than about anyone they claimed to love. Their public rhetoric was so hateful, so inflammatory, that they made the lives of so many people a living hell.

One example: Schlafly's oft-repeated claim that the rape of a wife by her husband was impossible, in that the wife had already consented to sex by marrying the man. For many years after, lawmakers hid behind that claim and used it to justify their own failure to legally protect victims of spousal rape.

Another example: Schlafly's equally popular claim that sexual harassment in the workplace was "rarely a problem for the virtuous woman." This victim-blaming philosophy was cold comfort to the millions of women who were repeatedly harassed on the job and had no legal recourse in a judicial system that saw them as the problem.

Fred Phelps' hate and bigotry were so extreme as to appear almost a parody. Gays and lesbians suffered his judgement for years, but it wasn't until he turned his attention and actions towards the fallen military servicemen and women that the country recoiled against him.

And what of Jerry Falwell, whose only action that made the world better was his death in 2007? His hateful anti-gay preaching inspired generations of America to judge their gay and lesbian family members, friends, and neighbors as evil, to cast them out and leave them to find their way alone and ashamed. He was a hate-monger and a religious zealot who didn't care about those he judged as sinners.

It's easy to look at these people and see them as outliers, as voices from the fringe. But their actions had real consequences for those they targeted. Specifically, gay and lesbian young men and women grew up ostracized from their "good Christian" families, and people like Falwell encouraged parents to separate themselves from "the evil that has taken root in your child."

How can anyone read these words from Falwell and NOT be happy his tongue is silenced?
"Homosexuals are brute beasts... part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven."

These horrible people had zero respect for the lives of those they judged as "less than," so why am I expected to return that hate with compassion and understanding?

I honestly don't think people understand what it is like to be on the receiving end of such hate and vitriol. It's not just a political disagreement, wherein two people have a difference of opinion on the potential financial impact of raising the minimum wage or the effectiveness of a food-services grant for a public school. Those issues matter, but they shouldn't denigrate to personal attacks.

Compare that to the rhetoric of the so-called "Christian Right" against the gay community. The quotes are endless and get worse and worse.

• Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern Says Gays Are 'Worse Than Terrorism'
• Dobson's Dire Warning: Gay Marriage Ruling Will Destroy Christianity And America
• Why Christians Ought to "Hate" Homosexuals
• Michele Bachmann: Gays Pushing Laws Allowing Adults ‘To Freely Prey On Little Children Sexually’

Honestly, is there anything more vile and disgusting than an adult who would sexually prey on children? Imagine it was you that was being accused of this. Would you want to engage in civil, respectful dialog with this person?

No. Simple answer, no. These people cannot be talked to like rational, mature, sensible adults. Because they aren't. They are idiots, hateful little fuckers who choose to attack others in an attempt to raise themselves up as moral leaders. And when they finally die, and are silenced forever, I will rejoice.

Their words and actions have direct consequences. The increased likelihood of suicide by young gay men and women is just one concrete example of the damage done by this hateful rhetoric.

I'm done playing along. I'm a good person. I'm a proud American. I'm a Veteran of the United States Marine Corps. I'm a husband of nearly twenty years. I'm a homeowner and a taxpayer and an active participant in the great democracy of this nation.

What I am not is a person willing to go along to get along. I am done pretending that everyone's opinion deserves respect. It doesn't. Some people are ignorant assholes and deserve to be recognized as such.

Gravedancing? Believe me, I've just begun.

... because you stay in the passing lane when you drive.

Yeah, we know you. You're the person who thinks you should be able to drive in the left lane at whatever speed you want, oblivious to the other cars stacking up behind you wanting to pass.

"But I'm going the speed limit."

Doesn't matter. Other drivers are going faster and want to pass. You need to get out of the passing lane and change back to the right.

"What difference does it make where I am if they are going to pass me, anyway?"

It makes all the difference in the world. Faster drivers passing you on the right create a safety hazard for every vehicle on the road.

"They need to slow down."

You aren't traffic enforcement. You're being an asshole and you're endangering everyone else. So get the hell over to the right lane.

Otherwise, you suck as a person.

... because you treat a movie theater like a trash can.

Yeah, we know you. You're the person who comes to a movie theater, eats a ton of crap for two hours, then walks out leaving a pile of garbage on the seats and the floor.

What is wrong with you? How is this okay?

Do you realize that you can pick up your own trash and drop it in the bin that you are going to walk right by? Of course, you do. But you don't care. Because you're an entitled little shit who thinks the world should clean up after you.

Here's a suggestion. Think about someone else besides your self for a change. Theater workers are already busy trying to get moviegoers into their seats as quickly as they can, and all of that has to stop and wait while they go up and down every aisle trying to remove the piles of trash you left.

Next time, clean up after yourself. Take your wrappers and bags and bottles and throw them away on the way out of the theater.

Otherwise, you suck as a person.

Let's Talk About Last Week (08/15/16 - 08/21/16)

or How It Feels To Make Good Choices

It's Monday, and once again I'm reviewing my workouts, runs, and food choices over the last week. Overall, I'm happy with my actions and my results. So let's get to the details.

Running
I was scheduled to run four times and I got them all done. I completed one 4-miler, one 3-mile speed run, one 5k all-go, no-walk run, and a grueling ten-mile long run. I was going to be out of town on Saturday, so I switched my long run to Friday. Life conspired to keep me from getting to the gym, so I took my run outdoors. It was hot and humid and I was out without sunglasses or water, so my pace fell off quite a bit. But I stuck with it and was super happy to get the miles completed.

Strength Training
The weight training was great, but my Friday/Sunday switch meant I missed one of my four scheduled weight workouts. I compensated with additional miles, but I need to make strength training as much a priority. I'll get them done this week.

Yoga
This was a bit week for yoga. I took my Wednesday morning class at my local gym again, but I took advantage of my out of town trip to take a Saturday glass in Santa Barbara. It was nearly 90 minutes long and definitely NOT an easy class, but I did the best I could and really enjoyed it. I know I will get better, and it's just a matter of committing to the classes and allowing myself the time to improve.

FitBit Steps
I am finding that hitting my ten thousand steps each day is pretty easy. I even hit 10k+ today, Sunday, which is supposed to be a complete rest day. When it comes to this part of my goal, I am killin' it.

Nutrition and Fuel
This was a little tougher for me this week. I indulged a bit more and I was away from home for more meals. That made healthy, low-calorie eating more difficult... but not impossible. I also enjoyed a few beers while I was out over the weekend, and that meant a lot of empty calories added to my totals.

The good news? I tracked every single thing I ate, stayed under my possible calories, and made enough good choices that my few splurges didn't wreck my training.

I have also discovered just how much I love a homemade smoothie. And that is even more delicious when it tastes like a shake. Here's what I do:

• I have precut, pre-weighed frozen bananas and strawberries. They were measured before freezing and each plastic bag holds about 5oz of each fruit. I add one bag of strawberries and one or two of the bananas, depending on how hungry I am.
• I also add two cups of the Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk. Each cup has only 30 calories, so it is a great way to add volume without heavy calories. (No, this is not a sponsored post. I really do love this stuff.)
• Add all of this into a blender and whip it up. The frozen fruit means that this is more of a shake than a smoothie.

The overall calorie count is 330, give or take, and well worth every single one of them. I had to eat mine with a spoon since it was so thick.

Delicious. Healthy. And totally in my calorie range. It's become my post-run meal of choice and I have not even started experimenting with other fruits in the mix. I'll let you know if anything tops this basic recipe, though. It's easy enough that even I can make it.

Overall, it's been another really good week. And I'm feeling good about myself and about the results I am seeing. Today is Monday and I am already starting off with good choices. Let's see where another seven days of healthy eating and increased physical activity take me.

Who says a guy has to use a boring straw?

Let's Talk About Last Week (08/08/16 - 08/14/16)

or How I Learned To Stick With A Training and Nutrition Plan

It's Sunday, and I'm resting comfortably while reviewing my workouts, runs, and food choices over the last week. Overall, I'm happy with my actions and my results. So let's get to the details.

Running
I was scheduled to run four times and I got them all done. I completed two 4-milers, one 3-mile hill run, and an 8-mile long run. I have been running intervals and they really seem to be working for me. I run .40 miles, then walk for .10. Then another .40 running, another .10 walking. I also increase the speed throughout the run so I finish with negative splits. I know this sort of pacing isn't for everyone, but I'm finding that I feel strong when I run and I recover quickly when I walk. And my overall per mile pace continues to speed up run after run, so I'm going to stick with this.

My 8.0 mile summary from Saturday

Strength Training
I have finally started strength training and I successfully completed all four scheduled workouts. I'm starting easy, working chest and triceps twice a week and back, biceps, and shoulders twice a week. My weights were fairly light this first week, but I plan to add on slowly every week going forward. (Don't worry, folks. Proper form and technique are more important to me than heavy weights. I don't need any injury to sidetrack my marathon training.)

Yoga
This is new for me, but I am adding yoga into my training routine so I can strengthen my core and help stretch out my back. I have two yoga classes on my schedule each week, but work interfered and I was only able to make one. Instead, after missing the second yoga class, I opted to take a leisurely three-mile walk, instead. Not the same thing, I know, but I felt good about still getting some physical activity and not just blowing it off.

FitBit Steps
This is the hard one for me, but I have to make good decisions that will help me with my overall training plan. I am choosing to let my 10kEveryDay streak end today. I am purposely NOT going to get in 10,000 steps today. I could do it, sure, but I am supposed to have one complete day of rest each week. And as my Saturday long runs get longer and longer, the rest day will become more and more important.

So, I choose to let the streak end. I will likely get 4000-5000 steps in, and that's plenty. It's been a good week and I'll take an overall 100k and consider it a win.

It's been a good week for FitBit steps.

Nutrition and Fuel
I am most excited about this recap of the week. Hitting my fitness goals are important, sure, but it's the calorie intake that most impacts my overall health and weight loss. As they say, healthy bodies are made in the kitchen.

Having all the extra activity really increased my number of available calories, but I didn't use that as an excuse to go crazy. I ate very well, making conscious and healthy choices nearly every time. I've rediscovered how much I love eating fresh fruit (watermelon, grapes, pineapple, strawberries). I've worked up a few go-to quick meals that I can make easily. And I've been able to walk away from the less-healthy choices.  I stayed within my calorie counts all week long, even when I indulged a bit and when I went to a potluck party with snacks and treats in every direction.


Overall, it's been a very good week. I'm proud of myself for sticking with my plans and I'm very happy with the results. The extra pounds continue to come off and my energy levels are through the roof. It feels good to be me right now, and I'll take that as a win.

Fueling The Machine

I'm nearing the end of my second week of my full commitment to training and nutrition, and I'm feeling pretty good. I've hit all my scheduled workouts and I'm still enjoying them. That's a good thing.

And the nutrition? That's really made a difference for me. I've made some pretty drastic changes and I don't know that I'll continue them long-term, but they are helping me as I train for my marathon, definitely.

I know that I need to track my food consistently if I want to lose weight. This training evolution, I'm relying completely on my FitBit and logging every single thing I eat. It was a bit cumbersome at first, but I tend to repeat meals often and it gets faster to log things as I build up my own list of "recent foods."

Overall, I'm not having any problems staying within my allotted amount of calories. That's because FitBit calculations automatically adjust all day to reflect the extra calories I've earned through exercise and motion. Of course, I realize that these numbers are all estimated, so I want to make sure I am burning more calories through each day than I am taking in.

Here's what the last two weeks look like. It doesn't appear that I am taking in nearly enough each day, and that is also a concern for me. Starving and depriving myself isn't a healthy way to lose weight, because the body needs fuel to perform. So I need to eat more, which is kind of cool to discover.

Notice that there are two days when I splurged a bit on the calories. In week one, I indulged with a bacon cheeseburger and bacon cheese fries. Week two, I ate a ham & pineapple pizza and sweet potato french fries.

Neither of those meals put me over my calories allotment for those days, because I had plenty of extra activity to cover them. They were little rewards and I earned them. So I don't feel bad at all about them.

I am (once again) discovering that if I choose the right foods, I can eat a lot more of them. For example, I was craving a salad yesterday afternoon, so I decided to make one myself instead of buying one out somewhere.

And that matters. Not only did I save a lot of money, I also was able to control exactly what went into my salad. There were no hidden calories and I was able to track it exactly.

I started with the basics - yellow pepper, carrots, and a cucumber. I used a huge bowl and a big pile of spinach leaves, and the salad looked big enough to feed a family of four. But no, it was all mine.

I added seasoned croutons and an incredible, low-calorie pear gorgonzola dressing, and my lunch was complete.

And here's the calorie count. Considering how much food was in the bowl, I'm super happy that the whole meal was under 400 calories. 

I also discovered yesterday that I can make my own fruit smoothie at home using Silk soymilk, frozen bananas, and fresh strawberries. Talk about a winner! I absolutely loved it. I made one for breakfast with vanilla soymilk and a smaller one for dessert with the chocolate soymilk. Both were right around 200 calories and worth every bit of that.

And I'll end with a positive note. I blogged earlier about how easy it is to drop into a slump. One bad choice leads to another, and another, and before you know it, your entire workout and healthy eating routines have fallen off.

But the reverse is true, too. One good choice can be the inspiration for the next, and after a few good choices, you're back on the right track and ready for more. That's where I am right now. I am wrapping up week two of my #LongRoadtoLongBeach training and nutrition plan, and I already feel better.

It's not about the pounds. It's not about the number on a scale. It's about feeling stronger, healthier, and more in control of my life and my actions. That's how I feel right now, and I want that feeling to continue. So the good choices I've made over the last twelve days are now motivation for me to keep making those choices today... and tomorrow... and on and on.

I'm feeling more like me each day. And that makes me very happy, indeed.

The Long Road to Long Beach

After the emotional experience that was my San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Marathon, I really struggled to find any motivation. And as has happened before, I fell further and further into a spiral of bad moods and bad choices.

You know how that works, right? You don't feel like working out or going for a run, so you don't. And since you already feel bad, you give in to the food cravings. And since you overate junk food, you don't feel like running. And since you skipped your workout, you eat more crappy food. And on and on it goes, a spiral of poor choices and worse results.

That's been the last couple of months for me. There's more to the story, of course, but that's for another blog. I'll just say that these have been very dark days. But they haven't been the end of me. Nope, that's not happening.

So I had to find a way to get myself back on track. An unexpected invitation to run the Marine Corps Marathon was just the push I needed. And though I am not going to be able to get to Washington, DC, this October, I found another local event happening about the same time and signed up for it.

My next big race will be the Long Beach Marathon on October 9th. I'm not looking to set a PR at the event, but I do want to cross that starting line feeling confident that I am ready for the full 26.2 miles. That means I need to be focused and committed for the full nine weeks available for training.

Good news. I'm off to a fantastic start. Turns out, that spiral can work the other way, too. One good choice can lead to another. I went for a run and completed a simple 5k. That made me want to make better food choices afterwards. And eating a healthier dinner made it easier to wake up the next morning and go for another run. And there it was again, the "one thing leads to another" effect, but this time it was a positive chain that has had an immediate impact on my mood.

After gaining way more weight than I ever imagined I would, I have turned it all around with a few healthier choices. I have:

1. Engaged Rik Akey as my running coach
2. Begun tracking every single thing I eat on my FitBit
3. Committed to four runs each week
4. Added strength training
5. Started Yoga (for stretching and relaxation) 

But this, friends, is perhaps the single more important thing I have done. I made a promise to myself that I would write this blog, honestly and openly, and that I would post it before I had the chance to over-think it or worry too much.

And here it is, the whole ugly truth. I'm featured in a documentary about weight loss yet I've gained the weight back. I'm cited as an inspiration for others but I've been feeling like a complete fraud. And I'm trying to encourage others while I've been completely falling apart myself.

Sometimes, the truth sucks. But if I've learned anything over the course of nearly fifty years, it's that there is a big difference between being down and staying down. I've been down for a very long time, but I'm finally seeing the way back.

So here's the good news. After only one week of healthy eating and consistent workouts/runs, I am already feeling better. The numbers on the scale are better. And most importantly, I am looking ahead to what's coming instead of dwelling on what has happened behind me.

In one week... seriously, one week... I have lost 5.4 pounds. It's not something I was actually trying to do, and it is not a weight loss I expect to repeat week after week, but it's a nice affirmation that the basics are still the way to go.

I'm not starving myself. I'm not overdoing it at the gym. I'm just making good choices. And I'm seeing positive things happen because of them.

Eat healthy. Be active. Repeat consistently.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know that. But it all starts with a decision to change the things that are making me unhappy. So I am.

And that's how I am going to successfully complete the #LongRoadToLongBeach.

This is me on Monday, Aug 8th. And that
might actually be a smile on my face.

"I'm Not Quitting. I'm Changing."

I'm done, friends. I know I've said it before, and I've meant it before. I couldn't really go through with it. But this time... enough is enough.

I am done posting about political and social issues on Facebook. 

I know, I know. You've heard it before. But this time is different. Before, my reasons were me-based. All of the negative and outrageous and hateful stories I was sharing were making me upset and anxious, and my decision to stop posting them was an attempt to regain my own sanity.

But it never really kept me from posting for long, did it? I might go a few days in the new groove, but I'd quickly be back to ranting about the latest social injustice or bigoted, hateful words making the rounds. Just like that, I was back to my old habits.

This time, it's different. And it's going to stick. Because I'm seeing this in a whole new light and with a truly mind-blowing realization. Posting about political and social issues on Facebook does nothing to change anything. (No, that is not the realization. I've always know this.)

The realization? There ARE things I can... and have... posted that have actually impacted other people in a positive way.

I've spearheaded efforts to raise money to provide a toddler basic educational toys. To make repairs on a home for a family in crisis. To give impoverished children a joyous Christmas. To help a Marine brother and his family weather a financial storm. To help families recover from devastating medical situations.

I've reached out to more people than I can even remember, offering shelter, food, safety, and often most important, a safe place to settle while struggling through tough times.

I've rallied friends and strangers to walk through the night with a solo athlete on her 55-mile journey. To celebrate the accomplishments of a young man halfway around the world from his family. To welcome home Marine after Marine after Marine from combat deployments. To honor strangers and help supply classrooms and make sure travelers in distress complete their trip cross-country.

If this sounds like I'm bragging, you are correct. I am. Absolutely. But not about me and my actions. I am bragging about those around me and their unwavering commitment to helping others whenever possible. No matter the time of year, or the cause, or the recipients, friends in my social circle (and beyond) are there to provide whatever assistance they can. They just need a direction to move and they go. And that is the lesson here that leads me to the important realization:

Posting about people in need and offering specific avenues through which people can assist changes lives.

That's it. That's the simple truth. I can continue to be just-another-person posting about the awful things people are saying and doing OR I can lead the way and help connect what I refer to as the Good-Hands-People to folks who desperately need their assistance.

No, I'm not starting another charity. No, I'm not losing myself in a campaign against all social injustice. But I am going to think carefully about the stories I share and the words I post. Because the old way does nothing to make me a happier person or this world a better place. But with this newly focused way? I think there's a real shot at doing some good.

So, here's me going forward, trying to be much more selective with my Facebook posts.

Wish me luck.