"By The Time"

By the time the light forces its way into the room, I've already been awake for hours.

By the time my feet touch the floor, I've already imagined the worst scenarios of the day to come.

By the time I'm out the door, I've already fantasized a dozen better alternatives.

By the time I sit at my desk, I'm already in a foul mood.

By the time I leave for lunch, i'm frustrated at how I've wasted the last several hours.

By the time I finish work for the day, I'm naively hoping that I might still be productive later.

By the time I get home, I'm shutting down inside. 

By the time I go to bed, I'm mentally exhausted. 

By the time I go to sleep, I'm already dreading the day to come.

Running? What running?

This has not been a good year for me as a runner. Once again, I've let the craziness of the real world distract me from taking care of my health.

I have a Ragnar Relay in three weeks. And a full marathon two weeks after that. I don't feel trained for either event.

Candidly, I need to get my shit together. This is a bad situation that continues to get worse.

This coming Thursday, I leave town for a ten day mental-health vacation. And I fully expect my calorie intake will be high as I eat and drink my way across the country.

Oddly enough, I'm okay with that. I need to focus on my heart and soul right now. When I return on the 31st of January, I'll make physical fitness a priority.

But, that isn't to say that the next ten days will be a free-for-all. Healthy eating won't be my primary goal, but I will work to make smarter choices when the opportunities arise.

If it all sounds rather muddled and unclear, then you are reading it correctly. I'm not sure exactly how this trip is going to go. But I will do what I can, when I can, and deal with the consequences when I get back.

Healthy living and fitness is a lifelong journey. And sometimes, there will be necessary detours along the way. This is one of them. 

My First Write-cation

It's currently January 18th, 2016, and this is the first blog entry I've posted this year. Honestly, it's poor form to consider myself a writer when I'm not writing. So it's time to do something about that.

I have planned a Write-cation for myself. It's an extended trip that is the right balance between time alone, sightseeing, new adventures, and reunions with long-time friends.

*edit*
I started writing out the details of my planned trip, but I opted to delete that. I think I'll wait and share the details as the trip unfolds.

I will say this: I will be gone eleven days, visit ten different states, (hopefully) catch up with seven different friends, utilize at least six modes of transportation, and write thousands of words.

That's the plan. I leave this Thursday, Jan 21st, and you're invited to follow along through the blog or Instagram.

It's time to travel and write and reconnect.

Aaaaand, go!





(Image credit.)

"Energy"

It surrounds me. It’s the hum of the ceiling fan, steady and constant. It’s the vibration of the floor, fueled by the washing man in a room on the far side of the house. It’s the sway of the trees outside my window, the branches gently pushed back and forth by an otherwise imperceptible wind.

It is hundreds of mourners praying, the silence broken by the random murmured “amen” and “halleluia.” The seated bodies a contrast to the fevered workings of the hearts and souls. “Take him, Jesus, back to the house you have prepared for him,” the preacher pleaded. “Welcome back your blessed servant.” And the energy of the crowd flowed like a wave to the body still and calm.

Energy is alive and dynamic, bouncing wall to wall and floor to ceiling. It’s the voices stepping over each other to be heard, a cacophony of shrieks and remember-whens and joyful accusations, pointed barbs and witty retorts. Perhaps it’s too much, too loud, but it’s a defiant statement to the universe. There is life in this place and it will not be silenced. And the room remembers, the laughter lingering in the air long after the voices have faded.

Energy is the sunshine leaking through the curtains. Subtle at first, then undeniable. It pulls me to the window, to bathe in the warmth of the morning. And it propels me out into the day, to engage and experience and live.

So I do.

"About That Old Time Religion..."

I'll start with the not-so-surprising fact that I consider myself agnostic.
__________________

ag·nos·tic

aɡˈnästik/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

__________________

I say this is a not-so-surprising fact in that my public postings here, on Facebook, and on Twitter, have all implied as much.

But I'm sharing it here, now, in absolute and direct terms.

I am agnostic. I believe that we can not know anything with certainty about the existence (or lack thereof) of any higher power.

Can god exist? Sure, that's possible. But "god" can just as likely be an alien from another galaxy who has created everything known to man as his own version of an Ant Farm.

Sound crazy? Not really. We have ZERO physical evidence of any god. He may be the god of the Bible, the god of the ancients, or the god of "just one of a billion intelligent creatures who have their own little Earth creations."

Sure, if pressed, I lean strongly towards atheism. But I can't prove the absence of a higher power any more than I can prove the existence of one, so I have to maintain integrity and admit that there is a possibility - tiny, remote, highly unlikely - that there is a god.

Now, all that said, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about religion, spirituality, and the connectivity between beliefs and actions. And I have come to a few conclusions, which are interesting to me though not necessarily to anyone else. (Still, it's my blog, so here they are. Read, skim, or scroll as you desire.)

I realize that I have LONG ago moved away from religion. But the rational, empirical, fact-based response was not the reason I gave up religion. That approach came later.

The reason I gave up religion wasn't that I didn't believe. It was my disgust with all of the people who DO believe and yet lived their lives in such a way that their very faith seemed a lie.

What do I mean by that? I'll give a single example.

Preacher Joe is a self-professed man of faith. Yet he lives in a mansion, preaches hate and damnation, and ignores the plight of his fellow man living with poverty, hunger, and homelessness.

This man considers himself an example of the best religion can do, yet his actions show nothing but scorn for what the Bible calls God's greatest creation, the human being.

Nope. If that was religion, I knew early on that I wanted no part of it.

Fast forward to the last thirty years or so, where religion moved squarely into the political process. And more recently, fueled by the instantly accessible audience, the social media machine. Religion isn't about loving each other and caring for the weak amongst us. It's about attacking those who believe differently than you do. It's about creating and maintaining an Us vs. Them mindset. And it's about hypocrites and sinners proclaiming themselves above the judgement of others.

America, the great land built on religious freedom, is now a nation of hate and bigotry. Here's just one example:

We pretend we want "freedom of religion" in the public square, but we don't. We want "freedom of MY religion," and the Christian majority refuses to allow any encroachment on what they have long considered their domain. Here, an example of a Christian deciding that a non-Christian display in the same public space was unacceptable. Or here and here and here and here, multiple examples of minority religions being discriminated against.

And of course, there's the endless demand to allow religion in schools, but only when that religion is Christian. Native American cultures, minority religions, secularism... all are happily pushed aside because some believe that this country is a Christian Nation. We are not. The Constitution guarantees that.

There are countless other examples, but they all share a common trait. Christians do not respect the religious beliefs of others nor do they believe they deserve the same right to exist and be acknowledged in the public arena.

And this, for the few of you who held on through this long blog entry, is at the heart of where I believe Christianity in this nation has failed so miserably. You cannot require someone to share your beliefs. And in this nation, you cannot require them to pretend to do so to participate in the secular business of government.

Long before my scientific mind understood that ancient religion was merely story-telling, my heart understood that the people of this country were wielding religion like a weapon.

And then, as now, I want none of it.

Joshua Tree Without Ric

I'm not okay.

I'm having a tough time right now. Instead of feeling the holiday spirit, I'm feeling the weight of obligations, expectations, and loss.

It's not a good place to me. Each day, the pressure and stress seem to pile on, and soon enough I'll snap.

And that's not good at all.

But I don't need to struggle with this by myself. I have access to professional help and I'd be a fool to not take advantage of that.

This morning, I made an appointment to see a therapist next week. He is the same person I talked with last summer when I was going through a similar difficult time, and I think that seeing him again will help me clear my head.

There is no shame in knowing that you need help and being smart enough to get it.

Words From My Novel

"I can handle you leaving. It's your coming back that hurts."

The 50 Project - Fitness

Hard to believe, but it was ten years ago that I first started blogging at "Falling Into Forty." I wanted to work on all aspects of my life and the blog was the perfect place to capture it all. 

Now, I'm looking ahead to my next big milestone - Turning 50!

The first component is the most basic, my health and fitness. I would be very happy to be at my goal weight by my 50th birthday, and that only happens with consistent exercise, healthy eating, and moderation with the treats and alcohol. 

I won't be perfect, but I can certainly be better. And today was a great start at the new gym.

It was a challenge to get out of a warm, comfy bed and get to the gym. I'm glad I did it. But my real challenge today will be to make better nutrition choices.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Thinking Out Loud...

"There are more good people out there than bad" is the lie I keep telling myself so I won't just give up on humanity completely.

"15 Things To Do" - A blog entry from Katherine Fritz

I'm proud of my own writing, mostly. But I also know that the world is full of talented, honest, gifted others sharing amazing words of their own. And when I read something that touches my heart, I want to stand on the rooftops and shout about it to the whole world.

But really, what's the point of that? No one can hear me up on the roof, and even if they could, they probably aren't ready to write down a URL and they won't remember it because so many of them are weirdly long and...

Oh. I digress.

Here's the good stuff. Click the link and enjoy:

Fifteen Things for When the World is Shitty and Terrifying

And here's just a snippet:

4. Think of a song you love, preferably by a non-super-famous musician. Even if you already own it, download it again. Think about how that 99 cents is actually telling that musician that their work has value.

 And here's another:

Take a deep breath of gratitude for the people out there who actually do make the world a better place. Challenge yourself to be that person, in whatever small way you can manage right now.

The whole thing is pretty fantastic, so click over and read it. And surprise yourself by actually doing one of the things on the list.

Hey, it's a start, right?

It's Not You, Facebook. It's Me.

For the last ten days, I've been (mostly) logged off of Facebook. I have checked back in a few times, read a post or two, felt instant anger or disgust, and quickly logged back off.

EDIT:
I have written and rewritten the next paragraph half a dozen times, but it always comes out wrong. So I'm going to go with short and sweet, instead.

I'm out. I've had more than enough of the nonsense. Being on Facebook doesn't make me a better person, so I'm choosing to walk away while I still feel like myself.

From now on, the only place I'll be posting anything on Facebook is on my Runner12 page. I'll stick to sharing updates on my fitness journey.

Over the next month or so, I'll make the time to unfriend everyone and lock down my privacy settings. I can't deactivate my account, since it is required to host the Runner12 page. And I'm still active in a few secret/private groups that matter to me. But I won't be posting on Facebook, updating the wall, or checking in on the newsfeed.

Instead, I'll continue to share photos (and enjoy those of others) here on Instagram. And I'll post worthwhile links here on Twitter.

But Facebook? Nope. We're done.

Sixty Hours Later...

And I have no regrets about stepping away from social media this weekend.

Now if I can only figure out how to get what I want from it without dealing with the worst of it. 

Thinking Out Loud...

Veterans defend our freedom of the press, but what good does that do if we all ignore our own responsibility to be aware, informed, and educated?

We know more about red cups than we do about death threats against students at Mizzou. We know more about a drug addicted athlete than we do about combat veterans and TBIs. And we know more about "real housewives" than we do about homeless children.

Our Veterans serve to secure and defend our rights. Let's make an effort to exercise those rights in a way that honors that service.

"My Husband is a One Man USO."

 

"His Name Was TyShawn."

This little boy was murdered and it appears it was gang-related. His father is a known gang member. Allegedly, at some point, his mother was running in that life, too. So they are to blame because this boy's exposure to gangs resulted in his death, right? That's obvious, right?

But here's the other side of it.

Sitting in my safe house, on my safe street, in my safe neighborhood, it's easy to say, "people need to just say no to gangs."

But try saying that when your whole neighborhood is gang-infested. Try saying that when there is nowhere to escape to. Try saying that when the gangs are at your door, threatening you and your family if you won't run with them.

It's easy to tell someone, "just say no," but just saying no in the real world can get you killed. You won't run with a gang, you are either with their rival gang or worse, you are a narc siding with the cops and ratting people out.

What choice would you make? Be honest. If you grow up in that life, and everyone you know is in that life, how can you even understand that there is something else possible?

It pisses me off that kids grow up and live like that. And it pisses me off that those of us who are removed from it have zero fucking idea what it means to be confronted with that and have no safe choices.

And I haven't a damn clue what to do to change any of it.

And my heart breaks because an innocent nine-year-old boy was executed.

And worse, in a week, we won't even remember his name.

‪#‎HisNameWasTyshawn‬

"Asking For A Friend"

How much wrong

Can one man do?

How much hurt

Can he live through?

Asking for a friend.

How far down

Can one man fall?

Before he finally

Loses it all?

Asking for a friend.

I'm asking for a friend.

Someone you don't know.

A man close to the end.

Falling as fast as he can go.

It's crazy, no one knows.

An alarm he'll never send.

All that pain that never shows.

I'm asking for a friend. 

What would you do,
What would you say,
If you found out
How he hurt today?

Asking for a friend.

Could you join him

In the dark?

Be his light?

Be the spark?

Asking for a friend.

Would you take his hand

And hold him tight?

Tell him that

He'll be alright?

Asking for a friend.

Yeah, I'm asking for a friend.

Me, Today.

I'm feeling this now more than ever, and that can't be a good thing.

Thinking Out Loud...

What if you write something so personal, so honest, that you don't dare let anyone read it?

I Believe...

Good people will find each other, given time and technology. Enjoy it when they do.