Don't Talk To My Friend Like That.

Imagine you are visiting with your friend at her house, enjoying drinks and catching up. Someone else shows up and starts saying these things to your friend:

"Wow, you got so fat. What the heck happened to you?" "Why do you even go to the gym? You quit everything you ever start." "Don't bother with the mirror. Of course you look fat." "You know you are the fat one in the group, right? They're laughing at you." "You look ridiculous trying to run." "Why sign up for that? You won't finish it." 

What do you do? If you're like me, you immediately stick up for your friend. You tell this other person (nicely) that they are being hateful and hurtful and should probably mind their own business or you tell them (not so nicely) to shut their pie hole before you put your fist in it.

Either way, you don't just sit there and let it happen. You protect your friend. And after the idiot leaves, you spend time encouraging and supporting your friend, convincing her that she can do anything she puts her mind to. You tell her that she should sign up for any race she wants and that you will be right there with her to cheer her on. You tell her the only thing ridiculous is being afraid to get out there, to run, to exercise, to make her life better. You make sure she knows that she has the power to make whatever change for the better she wants to make.

In other words, you encourage and support your friend. And you do it because she matters, because she is important to you and you hate to see her struggling or in pain. So why on earth don't you treat yourself with the same courtesy?

How often do you say those words above to yourself? How many times a day do you fill your head with "I can't" or "I won't"? What do you say when you see yourself in the mirror? When you try on clothes? When you get dressed to go out?

You would never let someone else talk to your friend the way you talk to yourself. You would say, loudly and directly, "don't talk about my friend like that." So the next time those negative thoughts come to your mind, send them right back where they came from. Learn to be a friend to yourself. Learn to protect yourself from your own hateful comments.

Is it easy? Heck, no. I've spent a lifetime running myself down, so learning to encourage and support myself still takes work. Old habits die hard, right? But I'm worth it. I deserve to be treated with respect, and that starts with my own thoughts and opinions about myself.

Today, I will protect myself the same way I would protect any other friend. Because I'm worth protecting.

Front Yard Silliness

"Then We Are Not Friends."

This was not at all the post I thought I would be writing this morning, but sometimes, the day takes me in a completely unexpected direction.

I logged on to Facebook to see this:

"Tearing down and tearing apart traditional institutions that have been pillars of our society and civilization. And I'm not just talking about marriage. Military being transformed."

This was posted by a friend, and a Marine Corps brother, as part of a bigger anti-liberal post. And all I could think was, do you NOT understand what this is saying to me? Me, who could now serve in the Marines openly instead of hiding. Me, who is now legally married to my partner of 17 years.

What it says to me, friend, is that these very positive changes for me are bad for this nation.

So, what I am saying to you in return is this: If you honestly believe this, then we are not friends. Because I don't need people in my life who think this nation is better off denying me the full rights of citizenship. Because I don't want people in my life who think that gay Marines who stand up to serve this nation somehow make the military weaker. And because I won't have people in my life who think that my marriage to my husband is anything less than a blessing in a world desperate for love and compassion.

I am not saying that all of my friends must share my opinions on everything. That's nonsense. I have very conservative friends, very liberal friends, and a bit of everything in between. And I respect the different opinions and often learn much from listening to them.

But this is more than a different viewpoint. This is as clear as it can be, that recognition of me just as I am is somehow a bad thing for this nation. And that's an opinion I don't have to invite into my life.

And for those who don't know, this is Ric, my partner since May 1997, my husband since July 2003, and my legally wedded spouse since July 2008. You can think whatever you want of him, but what you cannot do is change the fact that he is the single greatest person I have ever known and that loving him - and being loved by him - has made me the man I am today.

(If this post bothers you, and you agree that equality for gay men and women is somehow a bad thing for this nation, feel free to unfriend me. Because I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for what I'm not.)

(Originally posted on Runner12.com.)

"Then we are not friends."

This was not at all the post I thought I would be writing this morning, but sometimes, the day takes me in a completely unexpected direction.

I logged on to Facebook to see this:

"Tearing down and tearing apart traditional institutions that have been pillars of our society and civilization. And I'm not just talking about marriage. Military being transformed."

This was posted by a friend, and a Marine Corps brother, as part of a bigger anti-liberal post. And all I could think was, do you NOT understand what this is saying to me? Me, who could now serve in the Marines openly instead of hiding. Me, who is now legally married to my partner of 17 years.

What it says to me, friend, is that these very positive changes for me are bad for this nation.

So, what I am saying to you in return is this: If you honestly believe this, then we are not friends. Because I don't need people in my life who think this nation is better off denying me the full rights of citizenship. Because I don't want people in my life who think that gay Marines who stand up to serve this nation somehow make the military weaker. And because I won't have people in my life who think that my marriage to my husband is anything less than a blessing in a world desperate for love and compassion.

I am not saying that all of my friends must share my opinions on everything. That's nonsense. I have very conservative friends, very liberal friends, and a bit of everything in between. And I respect the different opinions and often learn much from listening to them.

But this is more than a different viewpoint. This is as clear as it can be, that recognition of me just as I am is somehow a bad thing for this nation. And that's an opinion I don't have to invite into my life.

And for those who don't know, this is Ric, my partner since May 1997, my husband since July 2003, and my legally wedded spouse since July 2008. You can think whatever you want of him, but what you cannot do is change the fact that he is the single greatest person I have ever known and that loving him - and being loved by him - has made me the man I am today.

(If this post bothers you, and you agree that equality for gay men and women is somehow a bad thing for this nation, feel free to unfriend me. Because I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for what I'm not.)

"Thank you."

Sometimes, the only thing to say is an honest and heartfelt "thank you." And that's what this blog post is all about.

Thank you, Nancy (and Shawn) Howard, for your kindness and generosity.

Thank you to my Marine Brother, Bruce, for making it easy for me to say "yes."

Thank you to Dee (and Tim and Taylor) for being a truly gracious and giving host.

Thank you to all of my Mostly-Middle-Aged-Maniacs teammates for running strong and making this relay experiene so great.

Thank you to Jeff for the city-to-city transit and for agreeing that good pictures are worth the time it takes to stop and get them.

Thanks to Paul and Tash for being truly amazing people and welcoming me into their home.

And as always, thanks to my husband, Ric, for encouraging me to take on new challenges. Life is pretty amazing with you, husband.

What You Aren't Seeing

One of the best things about having amazing friends is that they share the best quotes and images.

Case in point, from my friend, Nancy:

As I write this, I'm sitting in a beautiful beach resort, counting down the last few hours before I take part in the Lavaman Triathlon Relay. I've been here since Thursday evening, and I've been sharing photos and fun stories with everyone via Facebook. 

That's my Highlight Reel.

The truth? I am having a great time. But there's been more going on that I haven't shared. I won't go into detail, but I'll just say that two different friends were having pretty bad days on Friday. And it was heartbreaking for me to know they were hurting and I was so far away and unable to do anything to help them. (No, I don't think I can make everything right for everyone, but as a friend, I still wanted to be there to comfort them.)

In addition to what was going on with my friends, I had my own issues to deal with. I'm running this triathlon as a relay with two gentlemen that I met through the race organization. I just met one of them at the expo and the other I'll meet this morning. They are both trained and ready for their events, and they will set a high bar for performance. I hadn't even thought about a time goal, but now I know that my one teammate is hoping for a sub three hour finish. If our swimmer hits his 25-minute goal and our bicyclist rides in his 75-minute goal, I will have 85 minutes to run my 10k. Piece of cake, right? Sure, if they hit their marks. But if they don't, they will start chewing into my time, and that 85-minutes can easily drop down to 60 minutes.

And yes, I realize that a team goal depends on everyone doing their part, but the truth is, all eyes are on the last batter in a game, the last play by the quarterback, and the last swimmer on the relay. And now, today, it will come down to me delivering if we are to hit the team goal.

Am I worried? Oh, yes. I know that all I can do is my best, but that doesn't take the pressure off. I am stressed that I will cramp up, that my pace will falter, that the heat and humidity will take a toll, etc. If there's a reason to worry, I've found it.

Anyway, the point here is that if you were judging my life by what I've posted, you'd think my life was perfect. But there is always so much more going on than what is on the surface. When I posted the picture above on Facebook, I received several comments about me being awesome. But in the dark hours of the morning, I didn't feel awesome. I felt a little sick, actually, worried that I might let my team down.

I know. I know. I will do great, we'll do great, and the whole day will soon be a great memory and a reason to celebrate. But I wanted to share the backstory because it matters. If you are comparing yourself to me, or to anyone else, and you feel like your story is falling short, stop. Knock it off. You are comparing your moments of real-life worry and struggle to the best and brightest moments in someone else's life, and what's the point in that?

You're enough. You're more than enough, in fact. You're amazing. And you're awesome. And those moments when you're down and afraid and insecure? The fact that you fight through them and emerge stronger on the other side is just more proof of your own greatness. Don't forget that.

And now, it's time to prep for my run. Lavaman, here I come!

The Airport Dropoff

Just Stop.

I am asking all of my friends to "Just Stop."

Did you run today?
Yes, but just a 5K.

You look great. Have you lost weight?
Well, just five pounds.

Congratulations on the training.
It's nothing, I just started.

I didn't know you started running. That's great.
Oh, not really. I just run at a 12min pace.

What is wrong with us that we feel the need to minimize our accomplishments? Why must be so self-critical, even when someone is right in front of us saying something positive?

I know that I do this myself, and I'm going to work on eliminating that negativity from my life. It's not just a 5k, it's a 5k and it's awesome. It's not just five pounds, it five pounds that I'm proud I lost.

My successes deserve to be celebrated, not minimized or degraded. And the same goes for my friends. If I hear people taking that same cheap shot at themselves, I'm going to say something about it. Because life is too short to not be proud of ourselves every chance we get.

The Company You Keep.

Perhaps you've heard it before, but you really are the company you keep.

I hear it often. People tell me that I'm awesome. And they're right. (What, did you expect false modesty? Because that isn't happening.) I am awesome, yes. But more important than being awesome is understanding WHY I am that way.

Here's the answer: I'm awesome because I have purposely and specifically placed myself smack dab in the center of a group of amazing human beings. I have sought out, cultivated, and nurtured relationships with friends that expect nothing less of me.

In other words, I have surround myself with awesome people and work every day to rise to their level.

Just a few of the amazing people in my life.

What about you? What forces influence you?

Let's start with an easy source. Facebook. People love it, people hate it, but everyone seems to be on it. And it has become a part of most people's routine.

What happens when you log on to Facebook each day? What do you read in your newsfeed? If you're me, you read post after post from truly wonderful people doing what they can to have another great day. There's silly pictures, clever banter, and a lot of motivating and inspiring words that remind me to get out there and have a great day.

Of course, I live in the real world with real people, so not every post is good. Bad things happen and friends struggle with problems. Sometimes, they share those problems. Maybe they need help to find a solution or maybe they just need to vent. It happens, and both of those things are just fine.

But there is a difference in a person working their way through a tough time and a person who wallows in the negative. There is a difference in a person temporarily upset and a person who is always angry at the world. And there is a difference in a person who needs comfort and a person who is a black hole of emotional need.

I share these distinctions because I think people can get caught up in the negativity of others and not see the damage it does. It's so easy to read negative post after negative post, your mood getting worse and worse until you find yourself trapped in that same crappy mood.

Fortunately, there's a solution. Pay attention to what is coming from the people around you. Look for the positive, the upbeat, and the happy. Celebrate it when you see it. Notice the kindness of others and spread it around. Share the songs and the photos and the stories that make you smile. Be the positive force of nature you want to see in the world.

It doesn't mean dumping friends in need. It means helping them find a reason to smile, even if it's just for a moment. It means leading as an example, avoiding the temptation to see everything in the world in the worst way possible. It means not giving in to the anger and stupidity running rampant.

So, log into Facebook. Catch up with your friends. Join in the silliness. Be quick to laugh and slow to judge. Choose compassion over criticism. Choose happiness over anger. And choose to lead as an example. Believe me, the rewards are so worth it.

P.S. Thanks to my circle of friends for consistently bringing joy to my life. You help me be the person I want to be, and the ripple effects of that are truly amazing.

Yes, You Can Be A Success Story.

Not too long ago, I spent a year working for a health and fitness company. I had started there as a member and then became their Success Story Manager. I won't say much about the company or my time there, just that it wasn't the fit I had hoped it would be. But I wish them all the best and I still consider some of the members that I met while on the site to be among my favorite people. So all's well that ends well.

There is a specific reason I bring it up now, though.

One of the biggest challenges I had was convincing the powers that be that a "success story" was more than just those people who had lost half their body weight and were magazine-cover ready. Don't get me wrong, those people are truly amazing. But there are other success stories that deserved to be celebrated.

Jane loses 50 pounds. She still weighs 300 pounds, but her weight loss is enough that her doctor decides she is able to discontinue one of her blood pressure medications. That's a success story.

Joe loses 10 pounds. He still weighs 240 pounds, but he has successfully completed the Couch to 5K Program and is now working on his next challenge, running a 10K. That's a success story.

Mary hasn't lost any weight at all. She's just starting her journey. But she has spent the last week sticking to her plan to track her eating and to walk 10-15 minutes each evening. Yes, that's a success story.

And here's the kicker. We all love the dramatic weight loss stories. We see the before and after photos and we think, "wow, that's amazing!" But many of us can't see ourselves ever achieving that level of success. It's like trying to find the courage to sing out loud and having someone say, "just watch the Grammy's and you can see people doing it."

No. That doesn't help everyone. Some of us need to start on a smaller stage, so to speak. We need to watch someone sing karaoke in a darkened bar somewhere. That's a big enough leap for us but still one that makes us think, "yeah, I could do that."

Again, dramatic weight loss stories are amazing. Those people who accomplish that do so with dedication and commitment, and they are to be celebrated. Definitely.

But there is room for other success stories. Smaller successes, perhaps, but every bit as meaningful to those people on their journeys. So I share this blog to remind people that you are not competing with other people, you are challenging yourself to do whatever it is you are capable of doing.

Start a streak of eating healthy lunches for a whole week? That's success. Walk a full mile three times a week? That's a success. Whatever your first step is, take it. And be proud. And celebrate every bit of success as it comes.

And now, the kicker. The reason this came to mind? Because when I worked for that company, I remember telling my boss that I considered myself a success story for finishing a full marathon, even though I was never going to be one of those elite types featured in Runner's World magazine.

Never say never, right?

Joshua Tree National Park

Keeping It Real.

I stumbled across this article today and honestly, I can't stop thinking about it.

The message is that our bodies are wonderful just the way they are and we should celebrate what we can do with them instead of focusing on perceived flaws and imperfections.

I'm going to walk the walk and share a few of my own "bad" pictures, just because I can.

This was taken at my friend's wedding. My initial reaction was, "oh, damn, my neck is fat and my eyes have bags. I look terrible."

What the hell is wrong with me? This photo captured a moment of pure joy and silliness with a friend that I adore. It's a perfect summary of the amazing experience I had as part of his Steam Punk Wedding. How did I miss all that the first time I saw the picture? Because I was caught up in the supposed flaws of my body instead of seeing the magic of two friends together.

And another picture, even more recent.

My friend, Rik, took this photo as we were waiting to start our California 10/20 Run a couple of weeks ago. What did I see when he showed this to me? I saw my belly sticking out, back fat, a puffy face, and eyes hidden that disappeared behind the bags. Surprised to learn that I'm that critical of myself? Well, it's true. I am. It's something I work on constantly.

What did I miss? This moment was just before an amazing woman sang the National Anthem, before Rik and I started our trek into the mist, and before we enjoyed ten miles of running together, something we rarely get to do since we live on opposite sides of the country. This photo should have brought all that to mind. Instead, I chose to see the bad.

One more, from September.

This is me finishing the first leg of the Ragnar Relay Napa. I had just run across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at sunrise, a true highlight of my running career. I was handing off to our next runner, my dear friend Tammy. This photo captured so many amazing memories for me. But what did I see? My fat stomach, my short legs, and my round face.

Sheesh, what was I thinking? I just finished running nearly five miles, including a portion through soft sand and another section of straight-up stair climbing. I kicked ass and had such a great run. What a fool I was to see this as a bad picture instead of proof of my awesomeness!

I can't explain how much this article from Runner's World has smacked me around this morning. From now on, I'm going to try to see the good that is captured in a photo and not focus on the silly things that don't really matter.

I'm going to work on seeing the real me. The amazing me. The me that runs relays and up hills and across bridges and full marathons. I'm going to see ME!

Ragnar Del Sol?

Last weekend, I ran the 200 mile Ragnar Del Sol relay race in Arizona. I'm still smiling about having such a great time. I'm also going to blog in detail about it, but another night has come and gone and I'm just too relaxed and lazy to spend time typing. 

So, I guess I'll have to blog later. For now, I'll just share some pictures from the weekend. 

Enjoy your Friday and I'll be back soon!

I Love California!

 

Life Is An Adventure

 

Rik Comes To San Diego!

My Fat to Finish teammate, Rik, is flying in for the weekend. Together, we are running the inaugural California 1020 Race along the coast. I'm really excited to run this with him!

Here's my race shirt, my bed, and my brand-new halo headband. I'm ready to run.

And this is the view from the start line. It was 80° when I was there early afternoon. Race temps at 7:30am Sunday should be perfect!

Good Times Ahead.

It's 5:30 AM, and I cannot get to sleep. I guess I have a lot on my mind these days. So rather than toss and turn with random thoughts in my head, I decided to take a moment and write down some of the exciting things I have to look forward to in the months ahead. 

This month, I am running the California 10 Miler with my fat to finish teammate, Rik. Then I'm off to Phoenix to run the Ragnar Relay Del Sol with my Kilty Pleasures team. 

In March, I'm heading back over to Phoenix to run the St. Patty's Day 17K and then head down to Tucson for my friend's wedding. Later that month, I'm off to Hawaii to run a 10K as part of the Lava Man triathlon.

April brings another Ragnar Relay, this time here in SoCal with my new team, "From Strangers to Solemates."

In May, I will celebrate my 17th anniversary with my husband. And in June, I'm heading to New Orleans for my annual Marine Corps Reunion.

So, it looks like it will be a very busy Spring for me. What about you? What are you doing?

Adjust! Adjust! Adjust!

Oh, the best laid plans, right?

Today is a one-workout day, meaning I went to the gym this morning but won't go back this evening. I had a three mile run scheduled, but last night, I got the wild idea that I would run a 10K this morning, instead.

Not only did I plan to run double the scheduled distance, I boasted about it on Facebook.

Best intentions and all, but no. It didn't happen.

I started running and knew after the first half mile that I didn't have six miles in me. Sure, I could have toughed it out, but there would be fall-out for the rest of the week when I am supposed to run again and spend some quality time strength training. Overtraining is how people get injured, you know?

What to do, what to do?

I ran a full mile, then switched over to the bike. I decided that I could get a 10K in, just on the bike instead of running. So I did.

And funny thing. Halfway through the bike ride, I realized that I felt pretty good. I had all the strength I needed to get the distance done. More than that, I felt up for more running. So I moved back to the treadmill and finished with another 2.1 miles.

Instead of running the planned six miles, I did a brick of a Bike 10K and Running 5K. I finished feeling great and completely proud of myself.

So, how does "didn't run 6 miles" become "proud of myself"? Simple. I adjusted my thoughts.

First, my bigger goal of 100 running miles this month depends on me running 10 miles each Saturday and 3 miles each weekday. So far, I'm on track. Running 6 miles this morning would have just been an extra 3. So I met my bigger goal distance and stayed on track.

Second, I didn't let the initial running failure become a complete loss. Instead of walking out of the gym with the attitude of, "well, forget it today," I switched to the bike and get on trying. I knew that 20 minutes of riding was way better than 20 minutes of nothing.

Third, by not quitting, I gave myself time to get over whatever was going on with my body and start running again.

Finally, for another day of committing to my health and fitness, for waking up at 5am and getting to the gym, for keeping my eye on the bigger goal of a solid February, I am declaring myself awesome.

And here, because "why the heck not?!", is a selfie of me at the gym after the run/bike/run. Please note the crazy bedhead and massive sweat-covered forehead. Who says working out is all glamor?

My "But" Is My Problem.

I'm three days into my 28 Day Challenge, and I've discovered one very simple and obvious truth:

My "but" is my problem.

 I should probably explain.

For the most part, I tend to avoid the scale. I don't obsess about my weight or feel the need to chase a specific number. Instead, I pay attention to things that mean more to me.

• Are my clothes fitting more snug this week than they did last week?
• Am I sluggish and tired?
• Was my pace noticeably slower than the last time I ran this distance?

These are cues to me that I need to refocus on my overall health and fitness. And over the last month, my answers to those questions were more often a "yes." To get back on track, I've created a 28 Day Challenge for myself. I'll share the details of the challenge in a later blog (when I have some results to share, too!), but the basic idea is that I am going to be completely focused on fitness and nutrition for all of February.

And that brings us to the title of this blog entry. As I was planning out my month, it became immediately clear that my "but" is my problem.

I will eat healthy and work out the entire month...
... but not the first weekend, because friends are visiting.
... but not Super Bowl Sunday.
... but not the next Friday and Saturday, because I'll be with a friend out of town.
... but not Sunday the 9th, because I'm going to LA to see The Book of Mormon.
... but not the 15th through the 18th, because my friends are visiting from out of state.
... but not the 20th through the 23rd, because I'll be running Ragnar Del Sol with my friends.

See what I mean? I make plans to stay on track with my eating and my working out, then my "but" gets in the way.

What's a guy to do? I want the results that come from completing the challenge, but I also want to have the fun that comes with seeing friends, celebrating good times, and indulging with favorite foods and drinks.

And that, in a nutshell, is my constant struggle. I am a very social person who needs to engage with friends, so hiding away for a whole month is not a solution. I might get through the physical challenge but my mood would be truly foul.

Abandoning the challenge in favor of my social life isn't a solution, either. I'd have fun with friends but be secretly miserable about how I feel physically.

Here, then, is the solution I have come up with. Instead of an either/or, I am going to find a way to respect both my need for consistent workouts and nutrition with my desire for social activities.

Yes, I enjoyed my friends visiting. But while they had a few beers, I was content with a single Diet Coke and a lot of water. It was their company I enjoyed, not the excuse to opt out of the challenge I had just begun.

Yes, I enjoyed Super Bowl Sunday. I had a great time, in fact, commenting non-top on Facebook with the hashtag #superbowlwithjohn. I opted out of traditional Super Bowl Sunday foods and alcohol, though, choosing to go with a healthy menu. And for the day, I was well under my planned calorie intake.

Yes, I am looking forward to spending time with my friend in Dana Point this coming weekend. And I'll indulge a bit with the food and drink. But I'll be very specific about my eating, track the calories, and get out for my scheduled long run.

It will be the same for the rest of the month. I'll enjoy what I'm doing and make sure the social interaction is the focus, not the food or drinks. I can honor my commitment to my physical fitness without sacrificing the fun of life. If not, what's the point of being healthier if not to enjoy the days I'm living?

I guess I don't have a "but" problem, after all.

And with that, I'll share a little something that will soon be hitting the Facebook page of From Fat To Finish Line. There will be a series of images and quotes featuring all of our teammates, and here is a sneak peek of one with me!

Why a Selfie?

As many of you have already heard, today is #SelfieSaturday. I'm encouraging all of my friends online to share a photo of themselves today, whether it's an action shot from a racing event or a just-woke-up bedhead shot or anything in between.

But why? What's so important about posting a photo of yourself online?

I'll tell you why. Because posting a picture can be a very empowering thing to do. Many people that I know, especially those who are unhappy with their bodies, are in the habit of hiding from the camera. They see themselves as unattractive and think the whole world sees them the same way, and who wants a picture of that?

That's crazy talk, by the way. The people in your world already know exactly what you look like, and they don't expect you to become like a mega-photoshopped super model. They love the person you are, just way you are.

Posting a photo of yourself for others to see is a way to fight back against those damaging voices in your head. It's a way to say, "this is who I am and I am proud of myself." It's not about vanity or arrogance, it's about confidence.

I'm going to keep encouraging my friends to share photos of themselves, because I think you are all wonderful and deserve to have your happy, smiling faces out there for all the world to see.

And just to prove that I can talk the talk AND walk the walk, here's a selfie that I just took now. It's one shot, no retakes, and no editing.

#selfiesaturday

Get on board with this, friends. Because this is happening.