Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I'm tired. I'm really tired. I mean, I am so tired I am at the "too tired to sleep" stage.

I'm physically tired. I'm sore, like I have overdone it with exercising. But I haven't been to the gym in a week. (I know, I know... not going to the gym makes me feel sluggish, which makes me not want to to go the gym, and the circle goes round.) But I was feeling like this last week, too, when I was at the gym everyday.

I need to recharge somehow, but I have no idea how to do it. It seems like I spend everyday stressing out about time and money (never enough of either), the house (endless projects), my job and my career (no passion there), and the seemingly never ending demands of friends and family (a little here, little there).

One example of the friends thing. We had the roommate's retirement party this past weekend, and a good friend came from Atlanta to help celebrate. She paid for her ticket out here and a rental car, so we were happy to save her the cost of a hotel room and have her crash on our couch. Her last night here was Sunday and she had a Monday evening flight home. Monday morning, though, a friend of Ric's called to say that he was passing through (northern California to Mexico), and he needed to stay here with us Monday night. So instead of having our home back to ourselves Monday, we had company over for another night. (And not just any company, but the drank-himself-drunk-and-was-no-doubt-stoned-and-wouldn't-stop-talking company.)

Would I have my friend stay here again from Atlanta? Absolutely. And was it her fault that she- good company who even bought us yummy breakfast as a thank you - was followed by a far less courteous friend? No. But in my tired mind, the whole thing runs together in a rant of, "we never have any time to ourselves in our own home."

I go to bed around 10 or 11, wake up several times throughout the night, then finally get out of bed around 5. I putter around online, clear emails, catch up on the news, and spend time with blogs - mine and others. I'm into work around 8, where I go through the motions and pass the time. I work, but paying attention and staying motivated are things I have to focus on these days, rather than general performance characteristics. After work, I come home and nap for a bit, because I can't keep my eyes open. An hour later or so, it's time for dinner, a little TV, and back to bed to toss and turn.

And the future? I have the Mud Run this weekend, a 5k next weekend, creating Ric and John's Halloween village in our front yard the next weekend, a 10k run at Camp Pendleton and a rock climbing weekend. Perhaps I might be just a bit over scheduled?

I'm tired. I just want to go back to bed and sleep the whole day away. I want to watch hours of television, eat comfort food, and ignore the whole world for 24 hours.

Crap. It's nearly 7, so I need to get showered and shaved and head to the office. Another day is starting whether I am ready for it or not.

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