New Truths, according to today's Conservatives
(or How the Truth Became A Lie and Lies Became Truths)
- There is no global warming.
- There is global warming, but humans didn't cause it.
- Helen Thomas is old and batty.
- Mexicans are taking our jobs.
- Iraq sent its WMDs to Syria.
- Democrats don't want to wiretap terrorists.
- Joe Wilson admitted that Valerie Plame wasn't covert.
- Karl Rove has a faulty memory.
- Scooter Libby has a faulty memory.
- Tom DeLay is like Jesus Christ.
- No one could have anticipated that the levees would be breached.
- We do not torture.
- Howard Dean can't raise money.
- John F. Kerry is a flip-flopper.
- George W. Bush is a decider.
- John McCain is a straight-shooter.
- Dick Cheney is a sober shooter.
- Nobody at the White House knows Jack Abramoff.
- Democrats do.
- The economy is great.
- Evolution isn't supported by the facts.
- Diebold voting machines are secure.
- Fox News is fair and balanced.
- Mission accomplished.
- Bill Clinton did it too.
- No one could have anticipated the Iraqi insurgency.
- The budget deficit will be cut in half in four years.
- Anyone who thinks Dubai shouldn't control our ports is racist.
- No one who thinks we should build a wall along the Mexican border is racist.
- George Allen isn't a racist... anymore.
- Terry Schiavo wanted to live.
- Andrea Clark wanted to die.
- We've turned a corner in Iraq.
- There's a war on Christmas.
- There's a war on Easter.
- The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant
- uantities of uranium from Africa.
- Bush won Florida in 2000.
- Bush won Ohio in 2004.
- We support open, free, and fair elections.
- Bush earned political capital.
- Losing by 2 million votes in 2000 is a mandate.
- Winning by 3 million votes in 2004 is a mandate.
- Bush won a mandate for his conservative agenda.
- The grownups will now be in charge.
- The rule of law is important.
- This administration will hold itself accountable.
- No one could have anticipated Katrina would hit New Orleans.
- Brownie did a heck of a job.
- No one could have foreseen the failure of FEMA.
- Kathleen Blanco never asked for federal help.
- Ray Nagin should have used the buses.
- Ellen DeGeneres caused Hurricane Katrina.
- Gay couples seek to destroy Marriage.
- God plays favorites (just like Dad).
- Ignorance is strength.
- Man existed alongside the dinosaurs.
- There are "Moral Values" voters.
- The earth is 6,000 years old.
- We're not interested in banning contraceptives.
- America is a Christian nation.
- GWB is a Godly man.
- Bush flew F-102s in the Texas Air National Guard.
- Bush is a compassionate conservative.
- Bush is a great guy to have a beer with.
- Bush is no longer an alcoholic.
- Dubya owns an honest-to-God real ranch.
- It's a working vacation. He's working.
- George W. Bush is a genius.
- Dubya is a great cyclist.
- Segways are really easy to fall off of.
- Guns don't kill people... pretzels do.
- George Bush is a war hero.
- John Kerry isn't.
- John Kerry "outed" Mary Cheney.
- John Kerry shot himself in the leg to earn his medals.
- Al Gore thinks he invented the internet.
- FDR was a communist and a terrible president.
- Ronald Reagan was the best president in history.
- Harry Whittington got himself peppered.
- Hillary Clinton will be the Democrat nominee in 2008.
- Jefferson was the anti-Christ.
- Bill Clinton caused 9/11.
- Bill Clinton was once offered Bin Laden "on a silver platter" and turned it down.
- Saddam Hussein attacked us on 9/11.
- 9/11 changed everything.
- No one could have anticipated airplanes flying into buildings.
- No one could have foreseen the effects of nuking Iran (next year's press conference).
- War is peace.
- We have removed the Taliban from Afghanistan.
- The Iraqis will welcome us with open arms and flowers.
- It could take six days, six weeks, I doubt six months.
- Pat Tillman was killed by enemy fire.
- Yellow magnetic car ribbons really help the troops.
- The insurgency is in its last throes.
- There's no civil war in Iraq.
- But even if Iraq IS in a Civil War, its a good thing.
- The only way to get Zarqawi is to invade Iraq.
- We're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here.
- When they stand up, we'll stand down.
- Iraqi oil will pay for the war and the reconstruction.
- Gas prices are high because of liberal environmental regulations.
- Drilling the ANWR will lower the price of oil.
- Gas prices are high because of taxes.
- The 'magic of the marketplace' will solve all problems.
- Unemployment numbers have never been so low.
- Republicans restored the economy after the shambles left by Clinton.
- There was a Clinton/Gore recession.
- The economy is booming!
- As President, Governor Bush will pay the debt down to a historically low level.
- By far the vast majority of tax cuts go to the bottom end of the spectrum.
- Tax breaks for Hummers are good for the economy.
- Tax cuts are super for the middle class.
- Tax cuts increase revenue.
- The estate tax hurts family farms.
- Private Accounts will save Social Security.
- Bush will make health insurance affordable for hard-working, low-income families.
- Healthy Forests Initiative will help forests.
- No Child Left Behind will help all children.
- Healthy Skies Initiative will reduce air pollution.
- Nobody wants reform more than Republicans.
- Republicans are compassionate conservatives.
- Republicans are pro-life.
- Freedom is slavery.
- The government is tapping your phone to protect you.
- Dissent is unpatriotic.
- Valerie Plame is covert and a traitor.
- Karl Rove couldn't have done it because he knew he'd get caught.
- Patrick Fitzgerald is going to indict Joe Wilson.
- Bush and his twin were funny.
- Jeff Gannon is a serious journalist.
- Republicans have a sense of humor.
- Rush is Right.
- The media is liberal.
- No one could have anticipated that Colbert would tell the world the Emperor has no clothes.
- Everything is hunky-dory.
- You're either with us, or against us.
- A vote for John Kerry, is a vote for Al Qaeda.
- George Bush doesn't read the polls.
- ...But he does read all those books.
- Everyone had the same intelligence.
- Iraq is the central front on the war on terrorism.
- All options are on the table.
- Republicans are the party of ideas.
- Those trucks we found in Iraq were mobile biological weapons labs.
- We know where they (the WMD) are.
- These are not assertions. These are facts backed up by solid intelligence.
- Terri Schiavo is responsive. (Bill Frist on the Senate floor).
- I never said she was responsive (Bill Frist, about a week later).
- Anyone who leaks information will no longer be part of this administration.
- Sex Education causes STDs and increases pregnancy rates.
- HPV vaccine will cause teen sex cults.
- Harriet would be a great justice. I know her heart.
- Terrorists didn't know we could use wiretaps
until they read about it in the paper. - We are in a war that is a different kind of war than we've been in before.
- Vice President Cheney is a former CEO of Halliburton.
- I will restore honor and integrity to the White House.
- Nothing is more important in a time of war than cutting taxes.
- Democrats hate America.
- Vince Foster was murdered.
- "Bin Laden Determined to Strike within the U.S."--is a historical document.
- Thousands of tactical errors were surely made in the war against Iraq.
- And when I said "thousands" of tactical errors, I was speaking figuratively.
- America has 'uncontrolled' and 'unprecedented' immigration.
- The national anthem should only be sung in English.
- Jesus would have voted for Bush.
- Bush is a uniter, not a divider.
- Bush is the 'CEO' President.
- Republicans give you back 'your money.'
- Whenever we say 'wiretaps' that means we're going to get a court order.
- George Bush was a successful businessman.
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